Promoting peace on the world stage

I've escaped the hellhole of Uganda where I single-handedly battled to stop a ragtag club of ex-colonials and tinpot dictators from screwing my pooch on Climate Change. As I was doing my little bit there to make the world safe for tarsands, I couldn't stop thinking of that shining place where world peace could break out this week -- Annapolis.

I'd much rather be on the real world stage -- with George and Condi -- instead of the motley collection of bemedalled buffoons pumping hot air in Kampala. So I was pondering what the New Government to Canada can do to help promote peace in the Middle East and I've come up with a brilliant plan...

I will give an honorary Canadian citizenship to that prince of peace in the middle east, former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. After all, few have done more to the cause of peace than Sharon, the mentor of current Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

I personally know that Arik is a man of peace even though I never met him because George has told me himself many times. General and then Prime Minister Sharon was a peacemaker for many reasons and many seasons...

Sharon became the patron saint of Israeli settlers when he doubled the number of illegal settlements in the West Bank and Gaza strip in the 1970s. This settler of peace said "Everybody has to move, run and grab as many (West Bank) hilltops as they can to enlarge the (Jewish) settlements because everything we take now will stay ours... Everything we don't grab will go to them."

Arik was a wall-builder of peace as prime minister in 2002 when he started the building of a 650 km long wall, 80% of which lies within the Palestinian West Bank. The wall slices Palestinians from their fields, schools and hospitals and dices their territory to fulfill Sharon's peaceable promise of turning Palestine into a "pastrami sandwich."

Sharon was also a bulldozer toward peace whose army flattened an entire neighborhood of more than 100 Palestinian houses in the Jenin refugee camp into a rubble pile the size of 16 football fields during 2002's "Operation Defensive Shield." What could be more peaceful than empty football fields?

Arik believed so passionate in peace that he was willing to commit massacres to advance its cause. He was personally responsible for the massacre of 69 Palestinian civilians in the West Bank town of Qibya in 1953 and for the 1982 massacre of more than 1000 Palestinian civilians in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps of Lebanon. What selfless man of peace could do more?

Of course some of the hardcore anti-semites and uber-peace-mongers in the opposition ranks will object to giving Sharon an honorary Canadian citizenship based on the fact that some obscure Belgian court once indicted him for war crimes. But that is a non-starter because George twisted a few arms to have Belgian laws changed and the charges were dropped. And what the hell does Belgium know about peace anyway.

But this motion will split all three pseudo-peace-freak opposition parties into warring factions. If they oppose Sharon's citizenship, they will royally piss off their pro-Israel supporters and if they support the government their pacifist-maniac supporters will stay home, either way they lose.

My pal Gerry Schwartz of AIPAC-North says it's a sure fire plan to pry some of those big urban seats from the cold dead hand of Quasimodo and the Moustache that Roared.

One of our big problems in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver is that the Jewish vote is even more liberal than the rest of the ethnic vote. But this motion will amputate the other parties from their urban supporters and pave the way to a New Majority Government.

The Su Ang Ki gambit was only the first step in a long term majaority strategy of promoting peace on the world stage. After Ariel Sharon my government will also be proposing honorary citizenship for President Pinochet for smiting the socialists and making Chile safe for Miltonian market economics, President Suharto for crushing the commies to unite Indonesia and East Timor in personal prosperity, as well as the Shah for his heroic efforts to keep Iran out of the murderous grip of the evil mullahs.

God bless the true peacemakers in the New Government of Canada.

The kids are alright

The UN commissars are totally out of control -- now they are trying to tell us how to raise our own children! These petty socialist bureaucrats waste all their time criticizing people and governments who live in the real world because they don't measure up to some ivory-tower crypto-communist fantasy of how the world should be if only they ran it.

Get a clue you morally bankrupt morons, if you ran the world we'd all be working in soviet-style collectivist work camps, with mandatory Maoist morning calisthenics and enforced singing of praises to our glorious Stalinist dictator. And we'd be huddling in canvas yurts and eating gruel because your collectivist central planning would have destroyed the economy and set our standard of living back 500 years.

But these pathetic global apparatchiks are more than happy to gorge themselves on truffles, champagne and foie gras at UN cocktail parties with one side of their mouth while out of the other side they denigrate and disparage the very free market capitalism whose surplus bounty fills their golden troughs.

Worst of all, these arrogant leeches, whose knowledge of economics wouldn't fill a small piss pot, have the gall and temerity to issue reports condemning my New Government for failing to protect Canada's most precious resource, our children.

Normally I wouldn't even bat an eye at such bureaucratic buffoonery because it's just par for the course at the UN and its freedom-hating anti-American cabals such as Unicef. But dumping their reeking rubbish report right on the heels my New Government's most important and most cherished child-protection initiative -- our youth criminalization bill -- is too cynical even for them.

Not only do these fat-cat paper shufflers criticize Canada's rates of child poverty, child mortality, child care and incarceration -- they actually have the audacity to claim that the solution is more bureaucrats and red tape regulations to control our priceless children.

My New Government's first and most solemn duty is to protect Canadian children from forced social engineering experiments conducted by busybody bureaucrats -- whether they be UN mandarins or Canadian civil service functionaries. These proxy Dr Frankensteins and Baron Munchausens want to tear our children from the bosom of their family and dump them into the gulags of collectivist daycare or state-run schools so they will be molded into good party members.

I, however, believe that parents know what is best for their children, not bean counters. That's why we make every policy effort to keep the kids at home with mom instead of shunted off to anachronistic state institutions.

And if overworked parents can't control the little hellion, our child crime plan will be there as a safety net. By making juvenile delinquents and youth criminals face up to their responsibility in society, they learn important life lessons about the real world. Coddling them and excusing their vile actions on account of age, whether it be graffitti or murder, only sets them up to fail. Processing the rowdy young troublemakers through the adult justice system will be an eye-opener that changes their whole perspective on adult hoods and their future of incarceration.

Let's face facts, artificially dredging children out of poverty with government handouts is not only a waste of honest tax payers money but it creates a culture of expectation and entitlement that predisposes the little tykes to tantrums of criminal behavior whenever things don't go their way. We are actually doing them a favor by leaving them in their natural state of poverty -- they get properly prepared for the low wage mcjobs and diminished horizons that will define their adult life.

God bless our New Government's dedication to Canadian children.

Let's we forget

This past Rememberance Day weekend was supposed to be a golden age of glorious photo-ops -- me looking sage and Prime Ministerial with venerable veterans and saluting soldiers. And since I'm solemnly doing my official duty no media or opposition grinches would dare sneer that I'm being partisan or political or puffed-up.

But instead of a beautiful dream team parade to downtown Majorityville it was a non-stop nightmare hellish death spiral I can't forget. I didn't even get to enjoy pmo night at TGIFs because I had to do the freaking press conference at 4:30 announcing a probe into the dirty laundry of the Advisor formerly known as PM.

Fortunately I only gave the stupid hacks 15 minutes notice so most of the news knuckledraggers were already completely hammered or counting the minutes until they could get home to their porn videos. They were totally dumbstruck and out maneuvered by our gambit. Sandra said we could comtrol the news agenda and keep the Sunday photo-ops on track with a pre-emptive strike -- like invading Iraq. Unfortunately the analogy was a little too apt and after the moment of shock and awe things continued to unravel.

I blame the Irish dickhead -- I mean what kind of shit-for-brains arrogant prick takes 300 Gs of cash in brown paper bags from a failed arms dealer and world class liar like Kraut Shyster? That may sound like a lot of spinach lasagna but why put your head in a noose and stand on a tippy chair for such chump change? The right honorable wanker could have easily pulled 10 times that from any number of corporate gigs that only required him to warm a chair and do a convincing job of drinking coffee without spilling any.

And when some fleabitten reporter or a Ritalin-addled cop come sniffing around, he pulls out the legal equivalent of a thermonuclear device in order to flatten a couple of buzzing flies that everyone knows feed on shit anyway. His over-the-top shrill denials and oh so wounded demeanor just telegraph to anyone with two brain cells to rub together that he's guilty as Karla Homolka. I only have myself to blame for jumping into bed with the old drag queen but I desperately needed his pandora key to the frogophone chastity belt.

I knew that the commie ragtag Globe was going to crucify the Irish chinwagger but I didn't think they were going to engulf me in the flames of those 7 month old letters from the Kraut which I swear I never saw.

I blame the lackeys -- you just can't get good ones now days, even in Ottawa which used to be the sycophant capital of the universe. I guess the politically correct term is civil servant -- although frig knows why. They don't say "yes massuh," they can't shine shoes worth shit and they can't tap dance -- hell they have no rhythm at all. And none of them are even civil -- silently sullen to haughtily hostile to rightout rude is the usual range.

I hate to sound like a broken record but it's the Liberals fault. Cretin and Martian slashed the lackey rolls by 40% back in the mid-90s causing morale and recruitment to plummet. All the top lackeys headed for greener pastures leaving us with the dregs of the dross.

You'd think any semi-literate highschool dropout would have a lightbulb go on upstairs when they see a ticking letterbomb addressed to the Prime Minister alleging bribery and malfeasance by one of his party's previous PMs -- "hey maybe I should bring this to someone's attention" would sprint to mind. But apparently not. Today's gormless lackey just files it under 'W' for Whatever and goes on their merry bungling bureaucratic way.

So I'm left holding the flaming bag of dog shit and I have to figure out how to put out the fire without soiling my clothes. Why should the sins of the buffonish father-figures and freakish fatherlanders be visited on their far superior progeny? A bloody eminence gris should behave like an elder statesmen not a cash-crazed clown cavorting with greased pigs and wallowing knee-deep in swinish sleaze. If I had my way they'd have both been pushing up poppies last weekend instead of wearing them.

God bless the newly and unfairly tainted government of Canada.

The issue that would not die

This so-called controversy was settled days ago but the media morons keep bringing it back from the dead like so many Romero zombies.

Why would I write a letter asking for clemency for some dumbfuck hick from Alberta who went on a drug-fueled rampage in Montana and killed two young native Americans "for the thrill" or to find out "what it was like to kill." This monster is a prime candidate for a Darwinian final unselection.

Smith did the stupid violent crime so he deserves the end of his brutal subpar line. Where are the aboriginal leaders protesting against special treatment being given to a white racist who killed two intelligent and hope-filled first nations youth whose only crime was to pick up a white hitch-hiker.

Some bleeding heart killer-huggers have ranted and raved that the US Supreme Court has suspended executions by lethal injection while it determines if they are safe and effective. Well I think there should be a permanent moratorium because lethal injection is a coward's way out.

How can some oaf drifting off to sleep provide closure for a family whose loved one has been brutally murdered and raped? They need and they deserve the dramatic moment of justice -- the jolt of the electricity coursing through the veins, the woosh of the trap door opening and the snap of the neck, the coup de grace of the firing squad. I personally would not want to see Capital Punishment return to Canada without the appropriate drama and dignity of such solemn ritual.

Encountering these defining moments between life and death reminds us that we too are mortal. For the betterment of society and especially our young people these extreme unctions should once again become public events - they are powerful morality plays which not only deter crime but make us more complete human beings. And lets no forget they make great TV -- I believe that a national public network such the CBC would have a patriotic duty to broadcast them, certainly no less than the Olympics.

OK, I will write a letter to the Montana governor - asking that this Canadian citizen should be spared from suffering the indignity of lethal injection -- let his passing be celebrated by the praxis of old sparky or hang him high. I will also thank the governor for expunging this embarrassing Canadian scum from the earth since we are unable to clean up our own garbage at present.

God bless the Once and Future Hanging Government of Canada.