Capital punishment is harm reduction

I know some of you are disappointed by the anti-drug strategy we announced today in Winnipeg and especially the recent press-released six-month stay of execution for the Insane Injection Site - the government-run heroin shooting gallery in Vancouver.

But do not despair Reform faithful, this is only our Election Drug Strategy - we don't want to give the opposition a big stick they can use to scare off urban voters. At the same time Stock and I have been working hard on another plan - you could call it the New Majority Government of Canada Anti-Drug Strategy.

Call me cynical but I'm going to tell you straight - we need a majority to properly implement our principled agenda. Although we don't have a snowman's chance in la-la-land of winning a seat in loonie-left Vancouver, this issue could sabotage our big push for majority-making urban seats around Toronto and Montreal.

Before you accuse me of abandoning the moral high ground, let me give you a sneak peak at our evolving majority anti-drug plan. It is based on an improved four-pillar approach for dealing with drug fiends and pushers: Punishment, Incarceration, Intimidation and Excommunication.

The knee-jerk narco-freaks and the junkie-coddling medical bureaucracy will whine that we've abandoned harm reduction. But our entire strategy is harm reduction because what could possibly reduce the harm to our children and our property more than locking up the druggie criminals and keeping them off the streets.

I know what you are thinking - that execution is the only effective harm reduction measure for sicko drug dealers and the only safe injection site is a lethal injection room. We are studying execution as a fifth pillar through designating serious drug-dealing as terrorism and a capital crime - today's announcement or mandatory sentencing is just the first step down that road. We all know this approach has been very effective in countries such as Burma, China and even the US.

With the incarceration pillar falling into place, intimidation will become the focus of our anti-drug strategy. Intimidation is crucial for keeping our young people off drugs. We will get a morally benign ad agency to produce a powerful multi-media curriculum of narcotic horror stories that will put the fear of God into any punk who thinks illegal drugs are a joyride.

The youth intimidation campaign will also feature a made in Canada slogan - Just say NO to drugs or Just stay in JAIL! Anti-drug themed video games will stress that imprisoned biker gang members prefer youth drug offenders a sex slaves so don't get caught with a joint or you're biker bait in the joint.

This message will be reinforced by an innovative hi-tech youth intimidation-incarceration program called Bait the Spliff. Based on the successful Bait Car campaign we will be distributing bait joints in high profile locations like Queen Street poolhalls and Commercial Drive cafes.

These specially formulated doobies will include miniaturized GPS and video cameras as well as excreting indelible dyes to stain the fingers. The bait reefers will be electronically monitored by private security firms so as soon as the perp lights up, a broadcast-video-enabled SWAT team can be dispatched to shame and arrest the criminal - all on live television.

The wide-angle hidden cannabis-cam will record the dope fiend's horrified reaction to their arrest as well as documenting any criminal activity the scumbag uses to support his filthy habit. These videos will be invaluable for public intimidation campaigns in schools, nightly newscasts, and on You Tube.

The Excommunication pillar is where we treat drug addiction as a medical issue - helping addicts to escape their narcotic slavery. A new drug-free clause in the Canada Social Transfer will stipulate that no federal funds can be used for procuring illegal drugs. This means medical drug screening tests will become mandatory before people can receive drug-free welfare from provincial agencies.

The Excommunication pillar is best summed up by the recent Globe and Mail headline: Crack or Food - The Choice is Yours. Unless disadvantaged citizens make an effort to end their anti-social and destructive lifestyle, society should not enable and encourage their bad behavior. If you transgress so far outside the norms of society don't expect society to pick up the pieces - you will be excommunicated.

And I personally pledge to you that the day after we win a majority, not only will the criminal code exemption for Vancouver's government-subsidized crack house be yanked but we will send in Canadian Forces bulldozers to wipe that affront to moral decency off the map before it can cause any more harm to our community and our children.

God bless the New - soon to be Majority - Government of Canada.