I Hate the Corruption of Capitalist Christmas

There's something rotten about Christmas and I'm not talking about the interminable tree-lighting ceremonies, seasonal egg-nog hob-nobbing, abominably animated TV snowmen, secret santa stranger gifting or enforced pretending to have goodwill toward all men, no matter how brain-dead -- although those would be bad enough.

Sandra has pointed out to me that as painful as these seasonal personal appearances can be, they serve the higher purpose of helping me to seem like a down-to-earth, folksy, regular guy in preparation for the next election.

But at this time of year I'm constantly pissed that Christmas has been distorted and deformed from it's original meaning as celebration of mankind's salvation through the Virgin birth and sacrifice of God's only son -- a divine product which has succeeded spectacularly in the free market of faith and commerce.

Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with commercialism. I'm not one of those homespun hand-wringers who denounces Christmas consumerism, bemoans the demise of crafty-wafty handmade toys and then bombards the kids with a boatload of garish chinese plastic crap.

I enjoy the sight of conspicuous consumption in the stores, the sound of cash registers ring-a-ling-ing, the heartwarming aroma of overheated lights, fake snow and plastic trees in the mall -- all the happy tidings of seasonal profits. Christmas and capitalism go together perfectly like ham and cheese -- or like Christianity and capitalism. But unfortunately the joy of Christmas capitalism is just a veneer that hides a dark secret, a diseased heart.

What I hate is that fat evil man in the red underwear, the crypto-communist double-agent who has insinuated himself into the center of Christmas -- Socialist Santa. I know Santa is only a myth, but like most liberal myths he is a trojan horse with a rotten core that threatens to destroy society, and in this case Christmas, from within.

Think about it, Santa celebrates the classic socialist canard of equality of outcomes -- in his world all the nice children are entitled to the same net present value whether they are rich or poor. Socialist Santa makes no reference or allowance whatsoever for the child's material circumstances -- flying in the face of every law of economics. This undermines the very fabric of our socio-economic system which demands that the capitalist class deserve more privileges and rewards for the same effort.

Don't call me a Scrooge for exposing Santa at this time of year because Scrooge is even worse -- the Engels to Santa's Marx. Don't get me started on how Scrooge all but destroys his successful and efficient business model in the name of cheap sentimentality.

Similarly, Santa's insidious and sanctimonious naughty/nice paradigm has no basis in classical economics and can easily be manipulated into anti-capitalist propaganda. No doubt any young entrepreneur who harnesses the low-wage labour of his less-fortunate schoolmates to turn a tidy profit would be unfairly dumped into the Socialist Santa's undeserving 'naughty' category.

Nice guys finish last in business for a reason and we shouldn't be deluding our children with the fantasy that being nice by itself will gain them future material rewards. We should be teaching our future leaders about the sanctity of private property and free markets not filling their heads with the cottonwool of niceness.

An even more serious problem is Socialist Santa's Soft-on-crime attitude. My New Government of Canada is trying to make sure that youth offenders get more jail time so they can learn the difference between right and wrong because a coddled kid is a career criminal. But Soft-on-crime Santa's only punishment for young violent criminals is a lump of coal. Where's the justice and deterrence in that -- the juvenile delinquent will probably lob it through a school window and get sucked ever deeper into a cycle of crime and vandalism.

On the production side, Socialist Santa is virulently protectionist and anti-globalization. He uses one inefficient local factory to service his entire market. No global supply chain, no economies of scale, no rationalization of manufacture to free trade zones, no product assembly in minimal wage jurisdictions, no worker monitoring or wastage surveillance, no just-in-time inventory control.

His workshop must be run as some sort of socialist cooperative or communist collective because there is no management chain-of-command. The worker/inmates running the asylum are happy and jolly and obviously overpaid.

The pernicious message we are sending our children is that a fat old fart is able to run a successful global enterprise by breaking all the cherished laws of business and economics. Christmas should be a time of family values and capitalist celebration, not hijacked for partisan anti-free market propaganda.

It is no coincidence that most experts locate Socialist Santa's headquarters within the borders of Canada. Under 60 years of almost uninterrupted Liberal rule, this country has a sad history of being a second-rate socialist regime. This once-proud country had become a tawdry haven for communist dictators, socialist engineering experiments, anti-capitalist terrorists, and anti-American propagandists.

But my New Government of Canada will use all our resources to protect our true capitalist north. Our patrol planes and ships will root out all socialist threats, whether they be Soviet-style red armies or Socialist Santas.

Merry Capitalist Christmas from my New Year's Government of Canada.

Canada Grabs Gold at Bali!

In yo face Quasimodo! The Liberal unleader is quaking in his pointy frogophone boots because the results are in and Canada's Conservatives have cleaned-up big time at the Bali Climate Change competition. Canada tied for first in the Climate Action Network's final fossil medal count with the US, despite having only 1/10th the population of our southern kissin' cousins.

And Canada really deserved to take the whole cake because we had four first place Golden Dinosaur awards, more than any of the other 180 countries participating at Bali. Of course those of us who hail from Alberta are not surprised at Canada's proud showing because dinosaurs are in our blood -- both our oil and tourist industries are fueled by fossils.

Canada has held its head high again on the international stage in Bali and I've given those liberal losers a bloody nose. Sure some frogophone carpers and crapules have tried to belittle our stellar performance at Bali but I know Bairdy did a heckova job.

First and foremost he managed to keep the main Bali agreement text from degenerating into a cacophony of meaningless he said 25%, she said 40% targets. By tying Bali to specific numbers today we would be prejudging the negotiations of tomorrow with the statistics of yesterday. Now we have another two years to hammer the final accord into proper shape and incorporate the important advances in climate change science sponsored by the good corporate citizens in the petroleum industry.

Now admittedly some inconvenient targets did get slipped into the Kyoto group side agreement at the last minute but all is not lost. Most importantly, George doesn't care because the US is not part of Kyoto so the side agreement doesn't bind them to anything. But the kicker is that because we've declared Kyoto legally dead in Canada with Quasimodo's acquiescence (and because Bairdy had his fingers crossed behind his back) these tyrannical targets don't apply to Canada either. Game, set and match, Quasimodo!

I called Bairdy to thank him for all his hard work in Bali and was amazed that he'd been able to achieve all this success without even showing up at some of the key sessions. This guy is one lean mean negotiatin' machine and a wild party animal to boot.

Watch out world, Canada's on a roll -- and we're peaking just in time for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Let's all pray for snow and hope that they don't get canceled because of warm weather.

God bless the world beating New Government of Canada.

Commies need not apply

Some no-it-all nitwits and economic neanderthals are criticizing Jimbo's recent speech about foreign investment in Canada. They ludicrously claim that we are discouraging foreign investment or that we are "hollowing out" the Canadian economy.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the "For Sale" sign is emphatically and permanently up in Canada. We welcome and will do all we can to encourage foreign investment that strengthens Canada's family values and business fundamentalism such as the Coors takeover of Molson. On the other hand we need to ensure that our economy does not fall prey to a backdoor communism.

Canadian governments, including my own, have steadfastly and sometimes heroically moved to privatize assets and services over the last two decades, bringing the shining light of free enterprise to some dark and dank corners of our economy. The last thing we all want is for this beautiful and natural process to be undermined by communistic government-owned institutions from other less desirable parts of the world.

Such reverse-privatization would hurt ordinary tax-paying Canadians and make us all less free to embrace the capitalist brand of our choice.

To ensure that our economy continues to advance toward miltonian market freedom as God intended, My New Government of Canada is developing a National Privatization Strategy. In the new world of globalization and competition, Canada's piecemeal and haphazard privatization of yesteryear is no longer good enough.

Top notch corporate outsourcing services are not interested in a clinic here or a prison there anymore. We need a National Privatization Strategy to get all three levels of government cooperating to create multi-jurisdictional package deals. The potential economies of scale will make world class outsourcers like Sodehxo and Maximus sit up and take notice of Canada.

Canada has the raw materials to become a world leader in privatization. In fact, we have an embarrassing wealth of bureaucratic, inefficient, anachronistic government-purveyed services just crying out for the discipline of the market and the precision of the profit motive.

Healthcare is the most obvious example - Canada's anti-capitalist system has a sclerotic over-publicized Stalinist structure that's top-heavy with self-perpetuating paper shufflers and nest-feathering union functionaries who sabotage reform and change out of sheer inertia.

Canadian so-called medicare is a veritable herd of white elephants wandering aimlessly and stampeding everything in its path. The only way to restore a sustainable, natural balance is to cull the herd with the capitalist scalpel of the profit motive.

My government of Canada is ready to do it's part by outsourcing federal services from agriculture to zoology. But we have an even more important role to play in creating the National Privatization Strategy. That will enable cities across the country to cooperate in outsourcing their garbage or library services, provincial governments would be able to work together to negotiate the best deal for nationwide private health care delivery, federal and provincial jurisdictions could collaborate to rationalize and privatize prison services in concert.

We can all dare to dream of a day when bureaucrats and commissars are banned in public the way smoking is now. The government of Canada would consist solely of Parliament and the PMO - all services would be streamlined and contracted to cost effective, highly motivated, and professional corporate delivery providers.

God bless the New Privatized Government of Canada.

A clear and present crisis

I know this may shock some of you, but I now believe that climate change is a serious existential crisis. It threatens our very existence not next century or next decade but today and next year. Defeating this global threat or at least mitigating the damage will require a sustained and substantial effort on our part.

Don't get me wrong, I still think the immoral eco-terrorist emotional blackmail campaigns are dangerous and manipulative. But the undeniable fact is that there is a lot more at stake in this crisis than some cuddly polar bears or unpronounceable island pseudo-nations.

That's the reason Big Baird is going to Bali this week -- to fight the good fight for maintaining our conservative principles while tackling this menace -- well, that and to check out the white sand beaches, hot nightclubs and wild hippy chicks which he says are worth the trip anyway.

My New Government of Canada has a solemn duty, not only to protect our own jurisdiction but to prevent this scourge from engulfing the planet. The hellish flames of global warming have already scorched our cousins in Australia. I'm not talking about the drought-fed brush fires but the doubt-fed defeat of the honorable John Howard who had only recently invited us to to address his parliament.

The warning signs are clear and unmistakable, the human cause is known and irrefutable, and our response must be strong and indefatigable. If left unchecked, not only does this global menace put our future majority in mortal danger but it threatens the very existence of my New Government of Canada.

So all of you who, like me, were prudently skeptical that global warming was a threat to our way of life, I urge you now to reconsider. The science is in, and the polls show that this issue could lead to our defeat in the next election. For my New Conservative government of Canada, it is not hyperbole or alarmism to call it a dangerous existential threat.

There can be no doubt that, as I have always maintained, Kyoto is part of the problem not part of the solution. Despite all our efforts to undermine and discredit the Kyoto Mistake and our success of making Quasimodo an accomplice in the death of the accord with our Throne Speech, the Canadian public still supports it. In the face of our incessant repetition of talking points, they unfortunately don't realize that Kyoto would destroy their economy, slash their standard of living, raise their taxes, threaten their lifestyles and poison their puppies.

Fortunately, a brighter day is around the corner and we have a chance to shape the post-Kyoto future into a sunnier place in Bali this week. Our proposals have been compelling and reasonable so what right-thinking person could reject them?

My New Government has been very clear that any new climate change agreement must include all the big polluters and have bindingly aspirational greenhouse gas reduction targets. That is why we will pushing for any international treaty to require ratification not only by the 180 countries represented in Bali but also by their largest corporate polluters.

It is obvious that no international protocol could be effective without the participation of the big corporate greenhouse polluters, so the sooner we bring them into the process the better. I firmly believe that the exclusion of corporate input from Kyoto lead to its downfall and irrelevance.

In Canada, any post-Kyoto (love that phrase) accord would need to be ratified by such national icons as Suncor, Syncrude, Transalta, Inco, Alberta Power, Imperial Oil, Alcan, Stelco, Petro-Canada, Barrick, GM-Canada - or whoever their current parent companies may be. The power of the free market would then ensure that any national mandatorily aspirational emission targets were reasonable, achievable and credible.

God bless the New Corporate Government of Canada.