I Hate the Corruption of Capitalist Christmas

There's something rotten about Christmas and I'm not talking about the interminable tree-lighting ceremonies, seasonal egg-nog hob-nobbing, abominably animated TV snowmen, secret santa stranger gifting or enforced pretending to have goodwill toward all men, no matter how brain-dead -- although those would be bad enough.

Sandra has pointed out to me that as painful as these seasonal personal appearances can be, they serve the higher purpose of helping me to seem like a down-to-earth, folksy, regular guy in preparation for the next election.

But at this time of year I'm constantly pissed that Christmas has been distorted and deformed from it's original meaning as celebration of mankind's salvation through the Virgin birth and sacrifice of God's only son -- a divine product which has succeeded spectacularly in the free market of faith and commerce.

Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with commercialism. I'm not one of those homespun hand-wringers who denounces Christmas consumerism, bemoans the demise of crafty-wafty handmade toys and then bombards the kids with a boatload of garish chinese plastic crap.

I enjoy the sight of conspicuous consumption in the stores, the sound of cash registers ring-a-ling-ing, the heartwarming aroma of overheated lights, fake snow and plastic trees in the mall -- all the happy tidings of seasonal profits. Christmas and capitalism go together perfectly like ham and cheese -- or like Christianity and capitalism. But unfortunately the joy of Christmas capitalism is just a veneer that hides a dark secret, a diseased heart.

What I hate is that fat evil man in the red underwear, the crypto-communist double-agent who has insinuated himself into the center of Christmas -- Socialist Santa. I know Santa is only a myth, but like most liberal myths he is a trojan horse with a rotten core that threatens to destroy society, and in this case Christmas, from within.

Think about it, Santa celebrates the classic socialist canard of equality of outcomes -- in his world all the nice children are entitled to the same net present value whether they are rich or poor. Socialist Santa makes no reference or allowance whatsoever for the child's material circumstances -- flying in the face of every law of economics. This undermines the very fabric of our socio-economic system which demands that the capitalist class deserve more privileges and rewards for the same effort.

Don't call me a Scrooge for exposing Santa at this time of year because Scrooge is even worse -- the Engels to Santa's Marx. Don't get me started on how Scrooge all but destroys his successful and efficient business model in the name of cheap sentimentality.

Similarly, Santa's insidious and sanctimonious naughty/nice paradigm has no basis in classical economics and can easily be manipulated into anti-capitalist propaganda. No doubt any young entrepreneur who harnesses the low-wage labour of his less-fortunate schoolmates to turn a tidy profit would be unfairly dumped into the Socialist Santa's undeserving 'naughty' category.

Nice guys finish last in business for a reason and we shouldn't be deluding our children with the fantasy that being nice by itself will gain them future material rewards. We should be teaching our future leaders about the sanctity of private property and free markets not filling their heads with the cottonwool of niceness.

An even more serious problem is Socialist Santa's Soft-on-crime attitude. My New Government of Canada is trying to make sure that youth offenders get more jail time so they can learn the difference between right and wrong because a coddled kid is a career criminal. But Soft-on-crime Santa's only punishment for young violent criminals is a lump of coal. Where's the justice and deterrence in that -- the juvenile delinquent will probably lob it through a school window and get sucked ever deeper into a cycle of crime and vandalism.

On the production side, Socialist Santa is virulently protectionist and anti-globalization. He uses one inefficient local factory to service his entire market. No global supply chain, no economies of scale, no rationalization of manufacture to free trade zones, no product assembly in minimal wage jurisdictions, no worker monitoring or wastage surveillance, no just-in-time inventory control.

His workshop must be run as some sort of socialist cooperative or communist collective because there is no management chain-of-command. The worker/inmates running the asylum are happy and jolly and obviously overpaid.

The pernicious message we are sending our children is that a fat old fart is able to run a successful global enterprise by breaking all the cherished laws of business and economics. Christmas should be a time of family values and capitalist celebration, not hijacked for partisan anti-free market propaganda.

It is no coincidence that most experts locate Socialist Santa's headquarters within the borders of Canada. Under 60 years of almost uninterrupted Liberal rule, this country has a sad history of being a second-rate socialist regime. This once-proud country had become a tawdry haven for communist dictators, socialist engineering experiments, anti-capitalist terrorists, and anti-American propagandists.

But my New Government of Canada will use all our resources to protect our true capitalist north. Our patrol planes and ships will root out all socialist threats, whether they be Soviet-style red armies or Socialist Santas.

Merry Capitalist Christmas from my New Year's Government of Canada.

Canada Grabs Gold at Bali!

In yo face Quasimodo! The Liberal unleader is quaking in his pointy frogophone boots because the results are in and Canada's Conservatives have cleaned-up big time at the Bali Climate Change competition. Canada tied for first in the Climate Action Network's final fossil medal count with the US, despite having only 1/10th the population of our southern kissin' cousins.

And Canada really deserved to take the whole cake because we had four first place Golden Dinosaur awards, more than any of the other 180 countries participating at Bali. Of course those of us who hail from Alberta are not surprised at Canada's proud showing because dinosaurs are in our blood -- both our oil and tourist industries are fueled by fossils.

Canada has held its head high again on the international stage in Bali and I've given those liberal losers a bloody nose. Sure some frogophone carpers and crapules have tried to belittle our stellar performance at Bali but I know Bairdy did a heckova job.

First and foremost he managed to keep the main Bali agreement text from degenerating into a cacophony of meaningless he said 25%, she said 40% targets. By tying Bali to specific numbers today we would be prejudging the negotiations of tomorrow with the statistics of yesterday. Now we have another two years to hammer the final accord into proper shape and incorporate the important advances in climate change science sponsored by the good corporate citizens in the petroleum industry.

Now admittedly some inconvenient targets did get slipped into the Kyoto group side agreement at the last minute but all is not lost. Most importantly, George doesn't care because the US is not part of Kyoto so the side agreement doesn't bind them to anything. But the kicker is that because we've declared Kyoto legally dead in Canada with Quasimodo's acquiescence (and because Bairdy had his fingers crossed behind his back) these tyrannical targets don't apply to Canada either. Game, set and match, Quasimodo!

I called Bairdy to thank him for all his hard work in Bali and was amazed that he'd been able to achieve all this success without even showing up at some of the key sessions. This guy is one lean mean negotiatin' machine and a wild party animal to boot.

Watch out world, Canada's on a roll -- and we're peaking just in time for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Let's all pray for snow and hope that they don't get canceled because of warm weather.

God bless the world beating New Government of Canada.

Commies need not apply

Some no-it-all nitwits and economic neanderthals are criticizing Jimbo's recent speech about foreign investment in Canada. They ludicrously claim that we are discouraging foreign investment or that we are "hollowing out" the Canadian economy.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the "For Sale" sign is emphatically and permanently up in Canada. We welcome and will do all we can to encourage foreign investment that strengthens Canada's family values and business fundamentalism such as the Coors takeover of Molson. On the other hand we need to ensure that our economy does not fall prey to a backdoor communism.

Canadian governments, including my own, have steadfastly and sometimes heroically moved to privatize assets and services over the last two decades, bringing the shining light of free enterprise to some dark and dank corners of our economy. The last thing we all want is for this beautiful and natural process to be undermined by communistic government-owned institutions from other less desirable parts of the world.

Such reverse-privatization would hurt ordinary tax-paying Canadians and make us all less free to embrace the capitalist brand of our choice.

To ensure that our economy continues to advance toward miltonian market freedom as God intended, My New Government of Canada is developing a National Privatization Strategy. In the new world of globalization and competition, Canada's piecemeal and haphazard privatization of yesteryear is no longer good enough.

Top notch corporate outsourcing services are not interested in a clinic here or a prison there anymore. We need a National Privatization Strategy to get all three levels of government cooperating to create multi-jurisdictional package deals. The potential economies of scale will make world class outsourcers like Sodehxo and Maximus sit up and take notice of Canada.

Canada has the raw materials to become a world leader in privatization. In fact, we have an embarrassing wealth of bureaucratic, inefficient, anachronistic government-purveyed services just crying out for the discipline of the market and the precision of the profit motive.

Healthcare is the most obvious example - Canada's anti-capitalist system has a sclerotic over-publicized Stalinist structure that's top-heavy with self-perpetuating paper shufflers and nest-feathering union functionaries who sabotage reform and change out of sheer inertia.

Canadian so-called medicare is a veritable herd of white elephants wandering aimlessly and stampeding everything in its path. The only way to restore a sustainable, natural balance is to cull the herd with the capitalist scalpel of the profit motive.

My government of Canada is ready to do it's part by outsourcing federal services from agriculture to zoology. But we have an even more important role to play in creating the National Privatization Strategy. That will enable cities across the country to cooperate in outsourcing their garbage or library services, provincial governments would be able to work together to negotiate the best deal for nationwide private health care delivery, federal and provincial jurisdictions could collaborate to rationalize and privatize prison services in concert.

We can all dare to dream of a day when bureaucrats and commissars are banned in public the way smoking is now. The government of Canada would consist solely of Parliament and the PMO - all services would be streamlined and contracted to cost effective, highly motivated, and professional corporate delivery providers.

God bless the New Privatized Government of Canada.

A clear and present crisis

I know this may shock some of you, but I now believe that climate change is a serious existential crisis. It threatens our very existence not next century or next decade but today and next year. Defeating this global threat or at least mitigating the damage will require a sustained and substantial effort on our part.

Don't get me wrong, I still think the immoral eco-terrorist emotional blackmail campaigns are dangerous and manipulative. But the undeniable fact is that there is a lot more at stake in this crisis than some cuddly polar bears or unpronounceable island pseudo-nations.

That's the reason Big Baird is going to Bali this week -- to fight the good fight for maintaining our conservative principles while tackling this menace -- well, that and to check out the white sand beaches, hot nightclubs and wild hippy chicks which he says are worth the trip anyway.

My New Government of Canada has a solemn duty, not only to protect our own jurisdiction but to prevent this scourge from engulfing the planet. The hellish flames of global warming have already scorched our cousins in Australia. I'm not talking about the drought-fed brush fires but the doubt-fed defeat of the honorable John Howard who had only recently invited us to to address his parliament.

The warning signs are clear and unmistakable, the human cause is known and irrefutable, and our response must be strong and indefatigable. If left unchecked, not only does this global menace put our future majority in mortal danger but it threatens the very existence of my New Government of Canada.

So all of you who, like me, were prudently skeptical that global warming was a threat to our way of life, I urge you now to reconsider. The science is in, and the polls show that this issue could lead to our defeat in the next election. For my New Conservative government of Canada, it is not hyperbole or alarmism to call it a dangerous existential threat.

There can be no doubt that, as I have always maintained, Kyoto is part of the problem not part of the solution. Despite all our efforts to undermine and discredit the Kyoto Mistake and our success of making Quasimodo an accomplice in the death of the accord with our Throne Speech, the Canadian public still supports it. In the face of our incessant repetition of talking points, they unfortunately don't realize that Kyoto would destroy their economy, slash their standard of living, raise their taxes, threaten their lifestyles and poison their puppies.

Fortunately, a brighter day is around the corner and we have a chance to shape the post-Kyoto future into a sunnier place in Bali this week. Our proposals have been compelling and reasonable so what right-thinking person could reject them?

My New Government has been very clear that any new climate change agreement must include all the big polluters and have bindingly aspirational greenhouse gas reduction targets. That is why we will pushing for any international treaty to require ratification not only by the 180 countries represented in Bali but also by their largest corporate polluters.

It is obvious that no international protocol could be effective without the participation of the big corporate greenhouse polluters, so the sooner we bring them into the process the better. I firmly believe that the exclusion of corporate input from Kyoto lead to its downfall and irrelevance.

In Canada, any post-Kyoto (love that phrase) accord would need to be ratified by such national icons as Suncor, Syncrude, Transalta, Inco, Alberta Power, Imperial Oil, Alcan, Stelco, Petro-Canada, Barrick, GM-Canada - or whoever their current parent companies may be. The power of the free market would then ensure that any national mandatorily aspirational emission targets were reasonable, achievable and credible.

God bless the New Corporate Government of Canada.

Promoting peace on the world stage

I've escaped the hellhole of Uganda where I single-handedly battled to stop a ragtag club of ex-colonials and tinpot dictators from screwing my pooch on Climate Change. As I was doing my little bit there to make the world safe for tarsands, I couldn't stop thinking of that shining place where world peace could break out this week -- Annapolis.

I'd much rather be on the real world stage -- with George and Condi -- instead of the motley collection of bemedalled buffoons pumping hot air in Kampala. So I was pondering what the New Government to Canada can do to help promote peace in the Middle East and I've come up with a brilliant plan...

I will give an honorary Canadian citizenship to that prince of peace in the middle east, former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. After all, few have done more to the cause of peace than Sharon, the mentor of current Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

I personally know that Arik is a man of peace even though I never met him because George has told me himself many times. General and then Prime Minister Sharon was a peacemaker for many reasons and many seasons...

Sharon became the patron saint of Israeli settlers when he doubled the number of illegal settlements in the West Bank and Gaza strip in the 1970s. This settler of peace said "Everybody has to move, run and grab as many (West Bank) hilltops as they can to enlarge the (Jewish) settlements because everything we take now will stay ours... Everything we don't grab will go to them."

Arik was a wall-builder of peace as prime minister in 2002 when he started the building of a 650 km long wall, 80% of which lies within the Palestinian West Bank. The wall slices Palestinians from their fields, schools and hospitals and dices their territory to fulfill Sharon's peaceable promise of turning Palestine into a "pastrami sandwich."

Sharon was also a bulldozer toward peace whose army flattened an entire neighborhood of more than 100 Palestinian houses in the Jenin refugee camp into a rubble pile the size of 16 football fields during 2002's "Operation Defensive Shield." What could be more peaceful than empty football fields?

Arik believed so passionate in peace that he was willing to commit massacres to advance its cause. He was personally responsible for the massacre of 69 Palestinian civilians in the West Bank town of Qibya in 1953 and for the 1982 massacre of more than 1000 Palestinian civilians in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps of Lebanon. What selfless man of peace could do more?

Of course some of the hardcore anti-semites and uber-peace-mongers in the opposition ranks will object to giving Sharon an honorary Canadian citizenship based on the fact that some obscure Belgian court once indicted him for war crimes. But that is a non-starter because George twisted a few arms to have Belgian laws changed and the charges were dropped. And what the hell does Belgium know about peace anyway.

But this motion will split all three pseudo-peace-freak opposition parties into warring factions. If they oppose Sharon's citizenship, they will royally piss off their pro-Israel supporters and if they support the government their pacifist-maniac supporters will stay home, either way they lose.

My pal Gerry Schwartz of AIPAC-North says it's a sure fire plan to pry some of those big urban seats from the cold dead hand of Quasimodo and the Moustache that Roared.

One of our big problems in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver is that the Jewish vote is even more liberal than the rest of the ethnic vote. But this motion will amputate the other parties from their urban supporters and pave the way to a New Majority Government.

The Su Ang Ki gambit was only the first step in a long term majaority strategy of promoting peace on the world stage. After Ariel Sharon my government will also be proposing honorary citizenship for President Pinochet for smiting the socialists and making Chile safe for Miltonian market economics, President Suharto for crushing the commies to unite Indonesia and East Timor in personal prosperity, as well as the Shah for his heroic efforts to keep Iran out of the murderous grip of the evil mullahs.

God bless the true peacemakers in the New Government of Canada.

The kids are alright

The UN commissars are totally out of control -- now they are trying to tell us how to raise our own children! These petty socialist bureaucrats waste all their time criticizing people and governments who live in the real world because they don't measure up to some ivory-tower crypto-communist fantasy of how the world should be if only they ran it.

Get a clue you morally bankrupt morons, if you ran the world we'd all be working in soviet-style collectivist work camps, with mandatory Maoist morning calisthenics and enforced singing of praises to our glorious Stalinist dictator. And we'd be huddling in canvas yurts and eating gruel because your collectivist central planning would have destroyed the economy and set our standard of living back 500 years.

But these pathetic global apparatchiks are more than happy to gorge themselves on truffles, champagne and foie gras at UN cocktail parties with one side of their mouth while out of the other side they denigrate and disparage the very free market capitalism whose surplus bounty fills their golden troughs.

Worst of all, these arrogant leeches, whose knowledge of economics wouldn't fill a small piss pot, have the gall and temerity to issue reports condemning my New Government for failing to protect Canada's most precious resource, our children.

Normally I wouldn't even bat an eye at such bureaucratic buffoonery because it's just par for the course at the UN and its freedom-hating anti-American cabals such as Unicef. But dumping their reeking rubbish report right on the heels my New Government's most important and most cherished child-protection initiative -- our youth criminalization bill -- is too cynical even for them.

Not only do these fat-cat paper shufflers criticize Canada's rates of child poverty, child mortality, child care and incarceration -- they actually have the audacity to claim that the solution is more bureaucrats and red tape regulations to control our priceless children.

My New Government's first and most solemn duty is to protect Canadian children from forced social engineering experiments conducted by busybody bureaucrats -- whether they be UN mandarins or Canadian civil service functionaries. These proxy Dr Frankensteins and Baron Munchausens want to tear our children from the bosom of their family and dump them into the gulags of collectivist daycare or state-run schools so they will be molded into good party members.

I, however, believe that parents know what is best for their children, not bean counters. That's why we make every policy effort to keep the kids at home with mom instead of shunted off to anachronistic state institutions.

And if overworked parents can't control the little hellion, our child crime plan will be there as a safety net. By making juvenile delinquents and youth criminals face up to their responsibility in society, they learn important life lessons about the real world. Coddling them and excusing their vile actions on account of age, whether it be graffitti or murder, only sets them up to fail. Processing the rowdy young troublemakers through the adult justice system will be an eye-opener that changes their whole perspective on adult hoods and their future of incarceration.

Let's face facts, artificially dredging children out of poverty with government handouts is not only a waste of honest tax payers money but it creates a culture of expectation and entitlement that predisposes the little tykes to tantrums of criminal behavior whenever things don't go their way. We are actually doing them a favor by leaving them in their natural state of poverty -- they get properly prepared for the low wage mcjobs and diminished horizons that will define their adult life.

God bless our New Government's dedication to Canadian children.

Let's we forget

This past Rememberance Day weekend was supposed to be a golden age of glorious photo-ops -- me looking sage and Prime Ministerial with venerable veterans and saluting soldiers. And since I'm solemnly doing my official duty no media or opposition grinches would dare sneer that I'm being partisan or political or puffed-up.

But instead of a beautiful dream team parade to downtown Majorityville it was a non-stop nightmare hellish death spiral I can't forget. I didn't even get to enjoy pmo night at TGIFs because I had to do the freaking press conference at 4:30 announcing a probe into the dirty laundry of the Advisor formerly known as PM.

Fortunately I only gave the stupid hacks 15 minutes notice so most of the news knuckledraggers were already completely hammered or counting the minutes until they could get home to their porn videos. They were totally dumbstruck and out maneuvered by our gambit. Sandra said we could comtrol the news agenda and keep the Sunday photo-ops on track with a pre-emptive strike -- like invading Iraq. Unfortunately the analogy was a little too apt and after the moment of shock and awe things continued to unravel.

I blame the Irish dickhead -- I mean what kind of shit-for-brains arrogant prick takes 300 Gs of cash in brown paper bags from a failed arms dealer and world class liar like Kraut Shyster? That may sound like a lot of spinach lasagna but why put your head in a noose and stand on a tippy chair for such chump change? The right honorable wanker could have easily pulled 10 times that from any number of corporate gigs that only required him to warm a chair and do a convincing job of drinking coffee without spilling any.

And when some fleabitten reporter or a Ritalin-addled cop come sniffing around, he pulls out the legal equivalent of a thermonuclear device in order to flatten a couple of buzzing flies that everyone knows feed on shit anyway. His over-the-top shrill denials and oh so wounded demeanor just telegraph to anyone with two brain cells to rub together that he's guilty as Karla Homolka. I only have myself to blame for jumping into bed with the old drag queen but I desperately needed his pandora key to the frogophone chastity belt.

I knew that the commie ragtag Globe was going to crucify the Irish chinwagger but I didn't think they were going to engulf me in the flames of those 7 month old letters from the Kraut which I swear I never saw.

I blame the lackeys -- you just can't get good ones now days, even in Ottawa which used to be the sycophant capital of the universe. I guess the politically correct term is civil servant -- although frig knows why. They don't say "yes massuh," they can't shine shoes worth shit and they can't tap dance -- hell they have no rhythm at all. And none of them are even civil -- silently sullen to haughtily hostile to rightout rude is the usual range.

I hate to sound like a broken record but it's the Liberals fault. Cretin and Martian slashed the lackey rolls by 40% back in the mid-90s causing morale and recruitment to plummet. All the top lackeys headed for greener pastures leaving us with the dregs of the dross.

You'd think any semi-literate highschool dropout would have a lightbulb go on upstairs when they see a ticking letterbomb addressed to the Prime Minister alleging bribery and malfeasance by one of his party's previous PMs -- "hey maybe I should bring this to someone's attention" would sprint to mind. But apparently not. Today's gormless lackey just files it under 'W' for Whatever and goes on their merry bungling bureaucratic way.

So I'm left holding the flaming bag of dog shit and I have to figure out how to put out the fire without soiling my clothes. Why should the sins of the buffonish father-figures and freakish fatherlanders be visited on their far superior progeny? A bloody eminence gris should behave like an elder statesmen not a cash-crazed clown cavorting with greased pigs and wallowing knee-deep in swinish sleaze. If I had my way they'd have both been pushing up poppies last weekend instead of wearing them.

God bless the newly and unfairly tainted government of Canada.

The issue that would not die

This so-called controversy was settled days ago but the media morons keep bringing it back from the dead like so many Romero zombies.

Why would I write a letter asking for clemency for some dumbfuck hick from Alberta who went on a drug-fueled rampage in Montana and killed two young native Americans "for the thrill" or to find out "what it was like to kill." This monster is a prime candidate for a Darwinian final unselection.

Smith did the stupid violent crime so he deserves the end of his brutal subpar line. Where are the aboriginal leaders protesting against special treatment being given to a white racist who killed two intelligent and hope-filled first nations youth whose only crime was to pick up a white hitch-hiker.

Some bleeding heart killer-huggers have ranted and raved that the US Supreme Court has suspended executions by lethal injection while it determines if they are safe and effective. Well I think there should be a permanent moratorium because lethal injection is a coward's way out.

How can some oaf drifting off to sleep provide closure for a family whose loved one has been brutally murdered and raped? They need and they deserve the dramatic moment of justice -- the jolt of the electricity coursing through the veins, the woosh of the trap door opening and the snap of the neck, the coup de grace of the firing squad. I personally would not want to see Capital Punishment return to Canada without the appropriate drama and dignity of such solemn ritual.

Encountering these defining moments between life and death reminds us that we too are mortal. For the betterment of society and especially our young people these extreme unctions should once again become public events - they are powerful morality plays which not only deter crime but make us more complete human beings. And lets no forget they make great TV -- I believe that a national public network such the CBC would have a patriotic duty to broadcast them, certainly no less than the Olympics.

OK, I will write a letter to the Montana governor - asking that this Canadian citizen should be spared from suffering the indignity of lethal injection -- let his passing be celebrated by the praxis of old sparky or hang him high. I will also thank the governor for expunging this embarrassing Canadian scum from the earth since we are unable to clean up our own garbage at present.

God bless the Once and Future Hanging Government of Canada.

Who gives the orders around here anyway?

I told you that Hellier and his brown-nosed Tory backbench cheerleaders were trying to grass my ass. But for him to virtually call me a liar by omission takes the fucking fudge cake, pardon my French. Look I've cut him some slack on his camo-photo-ops since he's a serving militico but that fast-talking Newfie is not going to have my job while I can still breathe.

First Hellier makes some wild claim that the Afghan Army won't be ready to take on security for a least a decade which, although it may be technically true, directly conflicts with the spirit my stated date of 2011.

Then he has the utter gall not to correct his mistake or retract his date but to waffle on some "we're all on the same page" crap -- as if I knew all along wink-wink that the 2011 date was just a convenient fiction.

Hello? I am the freaking Canadian Commander-in-Chief or what? (Or at least I will be when I change the Constitution or approve the merger with the US.) Some trumped-up little tin-star general doesn't go around contradicting me.

Sure Hellier can probably back up his date with some kind of military-speak acronym-filled mumbo-jumbo but my date was not only government policy but it has a much more important and sophisticated analysis behind it -- in a word, electability. That has a much more far-reaching impact on government policy that whether the Afghan Army can fight their way out of a wet paper opium bag.

I think General Assmunch must have landed on his head too many times playing with the paratroopers. And here's a word of free advice Brigadier Bonehead: lay-off the touchy-feely Rick Mercer appearances and the constant war-is-hell photo-ops -- it looks like you are trying too hard to be PM. Disinterested and slack-jawed wins the day, just look at how well it worked for Cretin.

Hellier is an egomaniac loose cannon who should be court-martialed for insubordination and is the second to last person on earth who I would want to succeed me as leader. Unfortunately, Peter Pan is the very last person on earth so I can't dump Hellier.

Peter Pan is like a walking advertisement for impotence - they should put his picture in all those viagra emails. I told him that his one and only file is Afghanistan and he promised me he could handle it like a man. I told him I would take care of the true north star strong and free arctic sovereignty beat, so that he could put all his thrust into Kandahar.

How does he repay my trust? The good ship Peter Pan finally limps in to Kandahar this week --traveling at wimp factor nine -- only three months too late. Not only has Kid Coderre beat him there (and shaved his Kandahar-Cup beard) but so have Max and Oda, Casey and Finnigin from Mr. Dressup, Tickle-Me-Elmo and Spotty Sam -- a acne-pocked 14-year-old charter member of bed-wetters anonymous.

Peter Pan is the only red-blooded caucasian on the planet that could actually be out-manned by the raghead Afghan army. He and Hillier are a perfectly matched couple. They should go out together for Halloween as Torvill and Dean or, better yet, Bluto and Olive Oyl -- they cancel each other out and keep El Presidente Popeye in the green.

By sinking them both in the Afghanistan quagmire I can keep the leadership rivals, real and imaginary, stuck in the mud.

God bless the New Command-In-Chief of Canada

Plan B is for Blackwater

My place has been party central as we celebrated our seismic shift towards inevitable majority government and the utter capitulation by Quasimodo over the Throne Speech. The Moustache that Roared even claims we already have a majority because Quasimodo is so weak-kneed. Well I guess every court needs its goofy jester. Does El Presidente like this fool? No - but he does not shoot the messenger who speaks the truth.

But with the most important election in Canadian Conservative history just around the corner not everything is smiles and kittens in our heartland. Some our core Reform support-our-troopers and patriotic Kandihawks are getting restless even though we've painted Quasimodo into a dunce-hatted dead-end corner on Afghanistan with the throne speech.

I've heard the rumblings of cry-baby concern that I've rolled the dice with the manly panel and they may come up lyin' brian snake-eyes and call for tail-between-the-legged cutting and running home to mommie. Some hardcore armchair generals are even muttering about bringing Hillier as party leader. So I want to kneecap these scurrilous scuttlebutsters before they get out of control.

First and foremost, never doubt the strategy of your blessed leader - have I ever lead my flock astray? No, I took you straight to the milk and honey of 24 Sussex - and the promised majority land is but a confidence vote away.

Second, the panel are all proud US flag waving, military cheerleading, PM-saluting, bully-boys (and girls) so the chances of them calling for ignominious retreat that will piss-off the Americans are nil to none. And just to make sure they're consciences stay on track we'll be giving them fat expense accounts and stage-managed, tear-jerking tours of the fine work our soldiers are doing to make Kandahar safe for the Afghan occupiers.

Third, and most importantly, is that we're not just standing still waiting for the manly panel's macho report, we have already activated Plan B - as in Blackwater.

Our good friends at Blackwater are already conducting special training for some of the Canadian forces heading to Afghanistan but that is only the beginning. We are negotiating for Blackwater to provide a wide range of "advisors," "logistics" and "training" on the ground in Camp Kandahar. God knows some of our candy-assed ex-peacenik soldiers need toughening up so they shoot first and ask questions later of the gang of suicide bombers known as Afghan "civilians."

And it turns out that we can get a pretty good deal per thousand "civilian contractors" since Blackwater's little contre-temps in Iraq means they have plenty of staff and blackhawk helicopters sitting idle.

First we'll rent some 'copters from them to help protect our valiant troops from roadside bombs - and to stop us from being a laughing stock in military circles. Of course these complex machines would require private Blackwater pilots and maintenance staff as well as trainers and advis\ers about how to best use them.

We can easily build our need for advisers and trainers from there until we double our "military presence" in Kandahar without sending another single Vandoo for the frogophones to whine about.

Would it be expensive with all those $1500/day private contractors there? You bet, that's the beauty of the plan. We can gobble up billions of the surplus that the opposition keep demanding we spend on God-forsaken social programs.

There are so many advantages to this plan, you'll be surprised you didn't think of it yourself. When a civilian contractor gets killed there are no honor guards or flag draped coffins to worry about - in fact they are not even part of the official casualties. George loves this because the official US military death toll in Iraq would increase 30% if he had to include his private mercenaries.

We'll have tons of kick-ass, state-of-the-art, shock-and-awe military hardware at our disposal, without having to approve a penny of capital expense. Finally we'll have a real army, just like the big boys. Big Dick has been begging me to let Haliburton in on the deal but they don't have such nice shiny toys to rent us.

So you inbred sissies, even if we have to pull every ill-equipped, under-trained Canadian soldier out of Kandahar, we'll still have more than enough firepower to continue the combat roll there. The whole manly report will be beside the point. QED.

God bless the New Private Army of Canada.

Mining the harbors for democracy

I have hardly slept a wink for three nights. Sandra, Tom, Mark and I have been too excited and busy laying the anti-liberal minefield that is the New Throne Speech to even think about sleep. We worked proudly and feverishly with a sense of destiny - believing that we were patriots changing history and creating a New Majority in this country.

There are the small anti-personnel mines like cuts to the GST that Cretin promised but never delivered, then there is the bunker-busting, ship-scuttling ordinance such as Kyoto is dead and we're staying in Afghanistan until 2011. If Quasimodo and his cronies votes for our New Throne Speech then not only will he have killed his own pet dog but we will have blown his credibility and his party into tiny unrecognizable pieces.

Our only spiritual guides for the New Throne Speech were the infallible Bible and a case of Tequila Ley Extra Anejo that George sent me. Mark, the adviser formerly known as Dion's, was crucial in constructing the booby traps and double blinds that will confound Quasimodo and his troops and strand them in a Vietnamesque quagmire. As we struggled through the long nights I often thought of other great freedom fighters in history such as Oliver North and the Contras who made terrible sacrifices for the cause of democracy.

I hesitate to compare my meager efforts to such heroism but I began to feel we were part of something bigger -- the global fight against tyranny and oppression. I dared to hope that our New Throne Speech could become a defining moment, a turning point, in the rising tide against despotism in our country - like the mining of the totalitarian Sandinistas' harbors by the brave Nicaraguan freedom fighters put that benighted country on the road to salvation.

For most of the last century Canada has been a virtual one-party state with more than 20 Liberal regimes punctuated by occasional Liberal-lite PC governments. Yes, Canada is nominally democratic but even the Sandinistas held sham elections to mask their dictatorship.

The Liberal tyrants have used their power and privilege to enslave the Canadian public with innumerable social engineering abominations, such as socialized medicine, old age pension dependency, students loan sharking, national welfare addiction, and collectivist childcare.

The Liberal juntas have often colluded and conspired with the totalitarian socialist hordes to oppress Canadians and yoke them to the unfree welfare state. This is similar to the Sandinistas' secret plotting and connivance with communist dictatorships in Cuba and Stalinist Soviet Union to threaten the peace and stability of the Americas.

I am proud to think that our New Throne Speech has thrown down the gauntlet to evil and equality everywhere while providing a roadmap to freedom and democracy here at home.

God Bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Grit your teeth Quasimodo and eat your shit with a manly smile

Politics is usually a fun game but it's just too easy when your opponents are professional village idiots like Bloc Cheesehead, prancing neanderthals like the Moustache that Roared or especially dumbass deer caught in the headlights like Liberal Quasimodo. These three don't have enough brain cells between them to line the bottom of a bird cage. It's like tricking Wiley Coyote, knowing he'll walk into the trap every time takes the fun out of it.

The latest cliff they obligingly walked over with legs flailing is my tory-blue ribbon Manly Afghan commission. This thing kills about twelve birds with one stone: reminds people that the Liberals got us into Kandahar, pulls the red carpet out from under any Afghanistan debates for three months, provides me with teflon coating in case any more vandoos bite le biscuit, makes extending the mission seem non-partisan -- especially after its report supports my position for finishing the job, wink-wink, leaves Quasimodo droolingly slack-jawed, and, most importantly, locks and loads us for our next shot at majority.

Don't think I would have let this johnny on the spot without making sure he was onside with more combat troops. Let's call Manley a recovering Liberal after he chaired the US Council on Foreign Relations task force which recommended North American economic and social union as he was cheered on by his CFR buddies Wolfowitz, Cheney and Irving Kristol.

Even if he manly decides to doublecross me, the majority of the the panel are tried and true tory yes-men who can be counted on to vote their consciences as I dictate. And don't even get me started on hair-flipping Wallin, She's just so excited to be playing with the big boys that she'd vote to send Mansbridge to the electric chair if I hinted it was a good idea. Or at least the ex-Mrs-Mansbridge Mesley - she really has the hates for that neo-hip limousine-left poser.

And now Quasimodo's surrender-monkeys have sprung into action - they've already admitted defeat on the throne speech and now they're trying to smother the manly panel news by offering BIGGER corporate tax cuts, What The Fucking Fuck, pardon my french. Is Quasimodo really trying to outflank me on the right? -- he must have had too much laughing gas.

The pre-election panic is palpable everywhere - the Moustache that Roared has his leather pants on so tight that he's started parroting our line that Quasimodo is not a leader. The socialistas even copied our "what me a dumbshit?" picture of Quasimodo to use on their website.

Oh how the flaky have fallen - right into my trap for bid brains. The so-called opposition has commenced collective suicide on my command. Divide and Rule rulez!

God bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Keeping our streets safe from junkies

I know you will be as angry and upset about this story as I was.

A 41-year old man in Missouri stuffed a 52 cent donut in his sweatshirt and pushed past a convenience store clerk who tried to stop him from leaving. The perpatrator has been charged with strong armed robbery using violence which carries a prison sentence of up to 15 years. Because of his lengthy criminal history he might get 30 years in prison.

I have always believed that the US stood for freedom and was a bastion of justice so I am shocked and saddened by this case. I thought I could sleep soundly knowing that south of the border junkies and criminals received fair judgements for their villainy but I was wrong.

This serial sleazeball has committed a string of violent donut-fueled crimes but he will be back on the streets to assault and rob more innocent citizens of their freedom and their sugar-coated pastries - which is a travesty of justice.

I appeal to the right thinking supporters of law and order in Missouri to rise up and demand that this monster be locked up for life. After all, what is the point of America's much admired "3 strikes and you're out" laws if they are ignored and not worth the parchment they are written on.

And don't think that the scourge of donut-freaks is limited to the US -- we should admit that glaze-eyed donut-junkies are a searious threat to peace and public order here in Canada. That is why my government will put millions of dollars into a new anti-donut enforcement policy. The party is over for the pastry-poppers, danish-fiends and cruellerheads that are making our streets a frosted living hell.

I also pledge that when our New Majority Government passes a Made in Canada "3 strikes" law that the integrity of such an important law will not not undermined by squeamish judges or morally ambiguous prosecutors.

God bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Peter Pan makes Tinkerbell look tough

No wonder that Peter Pan called Denis Coderre's trip to Kandahar "a publicity stunt" -- because it's so fucking embarrassing, pardon my french, that Mr Potato Head hasn't managed to pull off the same stunt himself since he became Defense Minister. Chalk one up for my "no ministers in camouflage" policy -- what's the point of Peter Pan going to Afghanistan without some Ramboesque photo-ops with the troops to burnish his tough guy image.

What tough guy image you say? My point exactly.

Thank god we got Peter Pan out of Foreign Affairs where all his flip-flops and goof-ups were plastered all over the international media outside our spin zone. And Max has already made a much bigger splash at the UN in two months than fairy boy from Neverland did in 20.

In fact Max has also beat him to Afghanistan this weekend -- we needed some one tough and savvy to swoop in there and take the limelight off Crazy Coderre -- not actually that hard since he's spending all his time in the Kandahar canteen packing in the poutine. But needless to say the gutless wonder did not get the call.

Peter Pan is basically a walking embarrassment and national liability that we have to keep on our party balance sheet so that the rest of the government-handout-loving defeatist red tories in the Maritimes don't jump ship. He's also cloyingly clingy and faux-folksy, I'm running out of even slightly plausible excuses for why I can't go and visit him and pa on the potato farm - even being outright rude doesn't discourage the boy who never grew up.

The only positive headlines Peter Pan can generate is through his achy-breaky heartthrob status as arm-candy to the rich and famous. Although that is way overblown according to Sandra. She told me from day one that he and Belinda were doomed -- even as she was busy throwing fresh meat to the gossipy media feeding frenzy.

Sandra says that tough, successful women need strong men (she should know) and she claims that she could bust Peter Pan's balls with one hand tied behind her back and a really small pair of tweezers. Ouch. We had a really good laugh when the New York Times tried to link him up with Condi. As if. Even Laureen thinks he is too wimpy for words.

There were a few sickeningly coy photographs but at most Condi just needed a blond notch in her milehigh bedpost on Airforce 3. It would take her about ten minutes to figure out that he is a world class wuss and get tired of his puppy dog act. Then she would be like, "what was I thinking?" and kick him out with her thigh-high black stilleto boots.

But the thing that really bugs me about Peter Pan is his bleeding heart red underwear. When I took over his anemic PC party and turned it into a real red-blooded conservative one, he secretly believed that he would be leader within three years. He thought that he could wait for me to unify and rebuild the party, and then when I stumbled short of government he would ride in on his nice-guy white horse and trot to 24 Sussex.

Over my dead body. I would rather burn this party to the ground than see him as leader. He would turn it back into the namby-pamby, Liberal Lite, Politically Correct party.

Once we get our majority, it'll be time to take this dumb wounded animal behind the woodshed and put it out if its misery.

Capital punishment is harm reduction

I know some of you are disappointed by the anti-drug strategy we announced today in Winnipeg and especially the recent press-released six-month stay of execution for the Insane Injection Site - the government-run heroin shooting gallery in Vancouver.

But do not despair Reform faithful, this is only our Election Drug Strategy - we don't want to give the opposition a big stick they can use to scare off urban voters. At the same time Stock and I have been working hard on another plan - you could call it the New Majority Government of Canada Anti-Drug Strategy.

Call me cynical but I'm going to tell you straight - we need a majority to properly implement our principled agenda. Although we don't have a snowman's chance in la-la-land of winning a seat in loonie-left Vancouver, this issue could sabotage our big push for majority-making urban seats around Toronto and Montreal.

Before you accuse me of abandoning the moral high ground, let me give you a sneak peak at our evolving majority anti-drug plan. It is based on an improved four-pillar approach for dealing with drug fiends and pushers: Punishment, Incarceration, Intimidation and Excommunication.

The knee-jerk narco-freaks and the junkie-coddling medical bureaucracy will whine that we've abandoned harm reduction. But our entire strategy is harm reduction because what could possibly reduce the harm to our children and our property more than locking up the druggie criminals and keeping them off the streets.

I know what you are thinking - that execution is the only effective harm reduction measure for sicko drug dealers and the only safe injection site is a lethal injection room. We are studying execution as a fifth pillar through designating serious drug-dealing as terrorism and a capital crime - today's announcement or mandatory sentencing is just the first step down that road. We all know this approach has been very effective in countries such as Burma, China and even the US.

With the incarceration pillar falling into place, intimidation will become the focus of our anti-drug strategy. Intimidation is crucial for keeping our young people off drugs. We will get a morally benign ad agency to produce a powerful multi-media curriculum of narcotic horror stories that will put the fear of God into any punk who thinks illegal drugs are a joyride.

The youth intimidation campaign will also feature a made in Canada slogan - Just say NO to drugs or Just stay in JAIL! Anti-drug themed video games will stress that imprisoned biker gang members prefer youth drug offenders a sex slaves so don't get caught with a joint or you're biker bait in the joint.

This message will be reinforced by an innovative hi-tech youth intimidation-incarceration program called Bait the Spliff. Based on the successful Bait Car campaign we will be distributing bait joints in high profile locations like Queen Street poolhalls and Commercial Drive cafes.

These specially formulated doobies will include miniaturized GPS and video cameras as well as excreting indelible dyes to stain the fingers. The bait reefers will be electronically monitored by private security firms so as soon as the perp lights up, a broadcast-video-enabled SWAT team can be dispatched to shame and arrest the criminal - all on live television.

The wide-angle hidden cannabis-cam will record the dope fiend's horrified reaction to their arrest as well as documenting any criminal activity the scumbag uses to support his filthy habit. These videos will be invaluable for public intimidation campaigns in schools, nightly newscasts, and on You Tube.

The Excommunication pillar is where we treat drug addiction as a medical issue - helping addicts to escape their narcotic slavery. A new drug-free clause in the Canada Social Transfer will stipulate that no federal funds can be used for procuring illegal drugs. This means medical drug screening tests will become mandatory before people can receive drug-free welfare from provincial agencies.

The Excommunication pillar is best summed up by the recent Globe and Mail headline: Crack or Food - The Choice is Yours. Unless disadvantaged citizens make an effort to end their anti-social and destructive lifestyle, society should not enable and encourage their bad behavior. If you transgress so far outside the norms of society don't expect society to pick up the pieces - you will be excommunicated.

And I personally pledge to you that the day after we win a majority, not only will the criminal code exemption for Vancouver's government-subsidized crack house be yanked but we will send in Canadian Forces bulldozers to wipe that affront to moral decency off the map before it can cause any more harm to our community and our children.

God bless the New - soon to be Majority - Government of Canada.

Call me Mr. President

President George W. Bush, President George H. Bush, President William Jefferson Clinton, President Gerald Ford, and Me - what do we all have in common?

We are all members of an elite club - not just leaders of the free world but honorary leaders of the Presidents Cup - that most prestigious international golf tournament. The burden of history rested on my broad shoulders as I officially opened the competition at the Royal Montreal Golf Club on Wednesday. I thought of all the great Presidents who had gone before me and it brought tears to my eyes.

It is a life-long dream come true to be a member of the elect Presidents club. My name will be forever linked with those other Commanders-in-Chief and etched in history as the first ever Canadian head of state to host the Presidents Cup. Not the Prime Ministers Cup or the First Ministers Cup or even the President's Cup. That's Presidents plural Cup, and now I am one of them.

I came home wearing my Presidents Cup hat and I've been walking on air and feeling extremely presidential ever since. Sandra asked me if I'd cut my hair, Laureen thought I'd lost some weight and Ben wondered if I was taller. It was just the Presidential posture, the Chief Executive aura.

In fact, that is what this country really needs - a President. Being the first minister among many degrades the head of state. You sound like just another civil servant not the supreme executive authority who deals with life and death issues every day. Liberal Quasimodo may be happy as a first minister herding his sheep by consensus but I want to lead, I was born to lead. And that's what el Presidente Steve will do.

Where does this Vancouver garbage come from?

I know I should be basking in the glory of my heart-warming speech a the high-level UN climate change conference in New York and the joy of joining the Awesome Polluters Partnership but some evil corporate clowns rained on my parade.

However another travesty has me tied up in knots right now -- some wacko-fringe commie-freak in Vancouver has written a God-forsaken article comparing my good friend Thomas D'Aquino to the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. How could such outrageous, blasphemous, slanderous, insane mutterings of a conspiracy theorist gone totally fucking bonkers get published? Only because it's Vancouver, land of the lunatic left fringe where I could only sneak in a Conservative MP by bald-faced bribery.

Hasn't Vancouver done enough already to destroy the reputation of this great country by being the birthplace of Greenpeace, terrorizing the US with their narco-freak BC Bud, and breeding criminal drug addicts by giving out free needles, free drugs and a government-subsidized shooting gallery? And instead of learning the lesson that coddling criminals creates more crime, they're whining and demanding more exemptions from the criminal code so they can give the pushers and crackheads an even freer ride.

Some people will say the pea-brained La-la-land pundit is only using ironic grandstanding to make a point and it's better to ignore him. I say he's our own little Ahmadinejad so let's clap him in leg shackles and see how he likes that irony. Its a free country but that does not include the freedom to spout hateful anti-capitalist propaganda.

Anyway, the point is that Thomas is a good Christian and a great Canadian who has done tireless service to this country for more than 20 years. To call him an Ayatollah is a grotesque and blasphemous slur. Tom is patriot and who loves Canada so much that he wants it to be part of the US. We're not losing a country, we're gaining a superpower, as he explained to me.

D'Aquino is righteously famous for his Sermon on the Montroyal which is credited with converting the apostate Mulroney to the one true religion of Miltonian Free Trade. Thomas has since become Canada's cherished Clergyman of Corporate Capitalism and an enthusiatic Rector of Economic Rationalisation but that doesn't give anyone the right to take his name in vain.

Thomas is a prophetic Preacher of Privatisation and the divine Deacon of Deindustrialisation so to compare him to the murderous mullahs of Tehran is an immoral crime against nature, akin to the other sinful sodomite lifestyle Vancouver is infamous for.

The beneficence that D'Aquino has bestowed on our country knows no bounds, he is the Dean of Downsizing, Reverend of Reverse capital flows, Tsar of Trickle-down, Friar of Free market fundamentalism, Thomas More of Tax Cuts, Prelate of Poor-bashing, Bishop of Budget cuts, Richelieu of Rich get richer, and most importantly, the esteemed Reverend of Reaganomics.

Thomas knows that all saints are persecuted in life before being worshiped in death so he bears the slings and arrows with a profound aquinimity. Not to doubt him, but I say why turn the other cheek when you can have an eye for an eye. So lets cut the scaberous writing hand off this viperous scribe that spews such vile filth.

Who let the dorks out?

It's not bad enough that the two dildos - Liberal Quasimodo and Bloc Cheezehead - are gunning for me on Afghanistan and enviro-freaks are crawling up my ass about funding cuts to Migratory birds. What can I say, if birds choose to migrate out of Canada they are not my problem.

Now some so-called corporate leaders who are supposed to be on my team are shooting me in the back over Kyoto. Just who are these business bozos on the National Roundtable on the Environment and Economy that give our fantastic new climate change plan a failing grade on nine out of nine programs.

The dumb-ass eco-terrorist loving journalists may call them the "federal government's own environmental advisory body" but I can assure you they have nothing to do with my New Government of Canada. They're a bunch of Liberal chair-warmers and know-nothing busybodies who wouldn't recognize a sound economic policy if it gave them a lapdance.

We appointed Dave McLaughlin as President (or would that be Knight) of the Roundtable last month to avert this disaster and herd the howling cats in a different direction. Dave had been a good yes-man at Finance after doing some backroom ballbusting for Bernard in New Brunswick and heavy arm-twisting for big pharma at Veritas.

But the Roundtable was too much of a certified clown show for Dave to turn it around fast enough. The Liberal bootlickers were determined to pay back their political masters who had given them the cushy gig - so they piss all over our innovative voluntary plan for dealing with the grave public relations issue of global warming. So, Big Baird had to bury the report in a late Friday afternoon press release after all the media had dozed off in their chairs or headed out early for the bars.

I couldn't go anywhere near that dog turd report because I'm about to do another turn on the global stage extolling our Made in Canada approach to climate change (okay, so the label inside says Made in USA but at least it's not Made in China). I can almost taste the warmth and applause coming from the room full of CEOs and world statesmen.

The last thing I need is a bunch of trust-fund-endowed, neo-hippy "management consultants" spouting off that my gold-plated global warming plan uses double-accounting of reductions and other shady methods. Puhleaze -- this coming from an expense-account-padding, double-dipping dork whose only business background is that your father made a lot of money in shopping malls or used cars. I have a fucking Masters in Economics specializing in Fredrich Hyek. Never heard of him? He won the Nobel prize for Economics and inspired Maggie and Ron to fight for freedom from government program tyranny, you Mercedees-driving country-club-capitalist moron.

What really sickens me about the whole putrid affair is that that some of the Roundtable goons and Judases going after us are actually senior executives of serious companies like Suncor, Alcan and Abitibi! They should be kissing my feet and blessing us for all the tax cuts and privatization fire sales they we've had dropped in their laps. Who was it that got you behind the ring of steel and into the driver seat at Montebello?

Where are the responsible corporate boards and shareholder activists? They should be forcing their executives to toe the line and support the New Conservative Government of Canada no matter what. They don't have the excuse anymore that the Liberals are in power so they have to grease their wheels. And lay off the drug-induced notion that Martin was some kind of economic guru - he only cut spending and taxes because my Reform Party was holding a gun to his head.

I think it should be a firing offense for any CEO to publicly or privately support the crypto-socialist Liberal party that wants to raise taxes and to disembowel the economy on the altar of Kyoto.

And any corporate executive who is mentally-challenged enough to donate to or vote for the commie-terrorist-loving NDP should be punished by public flogging. There is no excuse for such crimes against the economy.

God bless the New Government of Canada.

Fetching Rover for the big game

Some of the faithful are getting restless and questioning my bold strategy - woe betide them. These smarty-pants, self-declared pundits worry that I might provoke a fall election by proroguing Parliament and putting a new throne speech to a vote. These wimps think we should hang on to minority government power as long as possible by not giving any excuse for the opposition to force an election.

Hello, you scaredy-cats, who won the byelection and almost stole a second seat from Bloc Cheezehead? Why should we be satisfied with milque-toast, minority half-power when we are clearly on the march to majority house-cleaning big time, you whiny bed-wetters? The opposition wants a piece of me this fall? I say bring 'em on!

And don't think we've been resting on our well-deserved byelection laurels. We've been burning up the phone lines and getting ready to go the mattresses. The only thing missing is a campaign capo to lead the cannon fodder into battle. Tom is a great friend of mine and a trusted adviser but now that the majority brass ring is within our grasp we need to step it up to a different level.

That's why Tom, Ken and I have been working hard to get Rover up to Ottawa in time for the fall election. After all it's been three weeks since Karl's last day in Washington, so I think he has probably spent more than enough time with his family. God knows Karl must already be getting itchy about retirement if he spends his free time singing and dancing.

That's the one good thing about the White House imploding and George taking gardening leave from his agenda, there's a glut of untapped conservative GOP talent that we might be able to lure into the northern league. Peter Pan is already in discussions with Gonzo about some legal work to help us stickhandle the raghead detainees around the Geneva Convention.

Of course the Canadian league is a tough sell when the 2008 game is heating up down south - but a lot of heavy hitters are realizing it may be better to sit out the next Superbowl. Rover is the ultimate key, if we can lure him up the neo-con dream team will follow. Ken even offered Karl a cushy side gig at Hill and Knowlton where he could bat for one of his favorite teams - big pharma.

So keep the faith and dare to dream about majority power and all it entails - missile defense, ending gay marriage, and all the social programs you can kill.

God bless the New Government of Canada.

Outremont Outrage!

I think Liberal leader Quasimodo might have managed the impossible - he's made me feel sorry for him. How can he and his advisors be so inept that they could lose Outremont which has voted Liberal for 70 years.

I was actually rooting for him on Monday because if there's one thing I hate more than a smug, pointy-headed, frogophone politician who massacres the English language, squeeks like a girl and is wishy washy to the bone -- it's ANY socialist politician. When the Devilspawn leftoid NDPeeps won Outremont after all I've done for Quebec, I lost my fucking lunch, pardon my French.

This riding is full of wealthy, well-educated people who make out like bandits from my tax cuts (and the ones I forced on Paul Martin), I've one-upped the distinct society by calling the Quebecois a Nation (of losers). And yet they are still flirting with the foaming-at-the-mouth socialists - it's an outrage! The Moustache that Roared will be prancing around Ottawa in leather pants like one of the Village People, proclaiming a breakthrough and that the red army is on the march.

I just don't get frogophones - the politicians and voters will cut off their big gaulish noses despite their faces that pinch like a sphincter when they talk. They think they're so bloody superior and to prove they're more European than Anglo-Saxon they'll create a huge white-elephant welfare state they don't even want - like their collectivist nanny-state daycare.

I don't mind Quebec separatists, after all they inspired my call defacto Alberta separation if we can't get rid of the Canada Health Act and Canada Pension Plan on the national level. What really gets my goat is that so many of PQ-nises are card-carrying commie-freaks in separatist clothing like Leveque and Parizeau. What douche-bags would want to leave Canada to become a province of the Soviet Union or Cuba for freaks sake?

I do hate the whiners and snivelers who blame everything on English or Ottawa and hold the country for ransom. All my political life I fought the Chamberlainesque appeasers like Brian, and even Preston, who caved in to the extortion. Then Mulroney convinced me that the only road to 24 Sussex goes through Quebec. So I had to hold my nose and become an appeaser myself but I feel kind of dirty - like I need to shower off some Batiste parade pigeon shit.

Working with Jean and then Mario, I've finally managed to pry the frogophones from the cold dead hand of the crypto-communist PQ on the provincial level, but now they're jumping into bed with the socialists federally. Since the Outremounters were so ungrateful and stupid that they voted totalitarian-left on Monday, all bets are off. I will have to put some of that old Reform stick about and teach them a lesson in hardball politics.

We are all immigrants

There's a media tempest in a pisspot today because my New Government of Canada voted against a sacred cow of cows - the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous People. Hello journo-freaks the leaders of the free world voted with us - including the US, Australia and even socialist New Zealand.

Anyway, I already knocked this sitting duck out of the shooting gallery when some jerkoff reporter tried to bait me at APEC about the declaration. I managed to keep my cool and say that we had "reservations" (nice pun, eh) and we wouldn't support it just to be politically correct. But at least John and I had a great time trashing the abo-freaks at our Prime Ministerial dinner later that night.

In fact, I'd rather cut off my right arm and feed it to wild cannibals than sign that declaration. Flanagan says it is virtually an anti-progress manifesto - symbolic of all that's wrong with the indi-freaks and the aboriginal self-pity industry.

The declaration already had three strikes before I read a word of the sanctimonious prose - first it comes from the UN which is an self-important kindergarten full of rabid anti-American, anti-Semitic, anti-White fundamentalist commies. Second, the declaration was endorsed and co-drafted by the Liberals which means it must be a corrupt and wrong-headed. And third, there is no such thing as indigenous people - we are all immigrants - except perhaps for a few goat-herders still living in the Rift valley.

This is especially true in North America as Tom successfully argues in his book. We are all relatively recent immigrants here - sure some of the half naked savages arrived a few millennia before the rest of us, but on the scale of human history it's a rounding error. Anyway it's not like they did much to fix it up or utilize the land - it was a complete mess when we arrived from Europe to start organizing and harvesting the resources.

It's not our fault they didn't bother to create a proper civilization with defined borders and rule of law and deeded property. They preferred to remain lazy creatures of the elements without culture or government. And don't insult me and my God by calling their backward superstitions a religion - they worshiped rocks for Christ's sake.

I say they are free to live that way as long as they don't impede and interfere with the livelihood of other immigrants but don't go crying to mommy when hard-working people come along and want to make something of themselves and the wilderness you've been wasting all these years.

We Europeans may have showed-up a bit late to the party but we have invested the honest sweat of our brows and out hard-won capital to make this country almost as great as the US. In a misguided attempt at charity were even willing to help some the laggard savages who couldn't make the jump to the real world. But now they spit in our faces and call us oppressors and usurpers and demand that we hand everything over to them on a silver platter.

I say stop asking for handouts and start taking the proffered hand up to better your self and integrate yourself just like any other decent hard working immigrant family.

God bless the New Government of Canada.

A big, big day

First I had to take George aside and explain to him what country we were in and what conference we were at, then I had to personally broker the APEC climate change deal and for an encore I threw down the gauntlet on Iraq oops I mean Afghanistan. But all that didn't stop me from a driveby Liberal Quasimodo bodyslam when I nailed his lip service to global warming.

I wish George would just bite the bullet and make Dick president. As much as I admire the guy, it gets embarrassing to have to keep asking the leader of the free world questions knowing that he always responds "What do you think, Dick?" And then the veep answers "Well, I think what the President is trying to say is... blah, blah, blah."

Dick and I get along well, we could really get things done between us. We're both policy nerds, had real jobs in the oil patch and know the importance of military and energy policies that put industry in the driver's seat. I'll have to invite him lame duck hunting some time soon.

The greenhouse gas deal was a bit of a sweat - you've got the six largest emitters sitting around the table with some island nation leaders that could end up swimming to work while conference sponsors Chevron and GM are looking over your shoulder.

People were throwing around numbers, percentages, dates and targets like there was no tomorrow. So, I say, dudes we all aspire to save the planet for future generations of corporate profits so let's call the climate goals aspirational. And if we make all the targets voluntary, countries may actually reduce emissions more because they are not locked in to a specific number.

After my intervention everyone realized we could take concrete steps to do nothing and get some applause from the peanut gallery while keeping industry on board. They were like, hey sign me up. So Canada is once again a force to be reckoned with on the world stage - we can get people to agree to do nothing about an important issue like no one else.

But my favorite moment was kicking sand in the face of the anti-war wimps back home by refusing to hold a vote on Afghanistan I might lose. Pardon my French, but what's the fucking point of a democratically elected parliament if it won't vote the way I want it to. So lets just ignore the parliamentary buffoons and finish the job.

And then there's the hat, I love my new roo skin hat... don't want to take it off. Helps me get over that Viet Cong thingy.

All in all yesterday was a big, big step... toward majority government.

Time to crack some frog heads

They never knew what hit them. The double dildo tag team thought they could outsmart me by forcing a vote in parliament on Afghanistan. But I pulled the mat right out from under Quazimodo and Mr. Cheezehead. And the Mustache that Roared got hammerlocked in the bargain.

I've prorogued parliament so they won't have an audience for their petty grandstanding ploys for at least another six weeks. As a bonus all their idiotic committee amendments to our sensible and corporately-crafted legislation will be tossed out the window. As if I'm going to pass my clean air act after those opposition monkeys got their filthy paws all over it and turned it into one stinking turd of a bill.

While they are cooling their heels in Ottawa or having temper tantrums about no question period, I'll be looking presidential as I make more government spending announcements with our huge surplus and have photo ops with world leaders. That way I continue to wipe the floor with the opposition "leaders" in the polls.

Then in October they'll be so raging blind they'll bring the government down on my motherhood and apple pie throne speech. Majority here we come.

What I did on my summer vacation

Hands down my favorite moment of the summer was traveling up north to announce the new weaponized ice breakers and deep water military port.

I looked really presidential in my navy hat and wind-breaker when I announced billions in new military spending that even the peace-freaks in the opposition won't dare oppose. Thank god for Canada's Arctic - right off the bat that's $8 billion just for the patrol ships that's out of reach for money-grubbing social programs like child care and medicare.

The new ships have nice guns that will be really useful for photo-ops about protecting Canadian sovereignty. No media will dare mention they're not much use against Russian or American ships that have nuclear missiles and torpedoes.

Most importantly all the new ice breakers will have large helipads so I can fly in for a "mission accomplished" announcement as soon as the first one is built. And by then we'll have lots of freshly trained Arctic Rangers to cheer my speech.

What with global warming melting the Arctic ice and getting rid of the dangerous predators such as polar bears, there's going to be a big new northern gold and oil rush really soon. We'll be there to protect North American corporate interests from European and Russian encroachment.

And as soon as I get a majority government we can use the new northern infrastructure for George and Dick's missile defense shield.

The cabinet maker pulls the strings

People keep asking me why I don't discuss my new cabinet since I'm so fond of talking about my new government of Canada. I haven't bothered to respond because it's such an idiotic question but I guess back-to-school is a good time to teach the chattering classes a lesson in Harper 101.

First of all, in Canada only the cabinet maker matters - cabinet ministers are just political window-dressing. The PMO takes all the decisions and the ministers are just there to insulate the PM from unpopular policies or provide a photo op for announcements that aren't important enough for the PM to take the credit.

Second, cabinet ministers are extra-irrelevant in a minority government because you need to avoid parliament at all costs. There is basically no legislation for ministers to introduce and the whole focus of the government is on the regulation changes, military spending and deals like the SPP that you can pursue until you get a majority.

Finally, ministers in my New government of Canada are just puppets mouthing the words I write for them. I don't trust any of them to think or speak for themselves - especially not world-class imbeciles like Peter Pan. That douchebag has never met a flip he couldn't flop. Defense is not a vote of confidence, it's a chance for him to prove what a colossal moron he is - insurance in case the party gets the crazy idea of holding a leadership review.

Because every once in a while one of the thick-skulled cabinet marionettes gets the bright idea they can operate without any strings. They may even convince some brainless colleagues and party officials that the puppet master is losing his touch and the lunatics should be running the asylum. The inevitable result is a disaster of pinocchioesque proportions. That's why I keep my cast dancing on strings tight enough to choke them into submission but not quite enough to strangle them.

A cabinet shuffle is like a minor change of stage scenery to keep my puppet show looking fresh. A couple of pieces of french toast flipped into the Quebec byelections, a tip of the hat to the oil patch, a puff of wind to blow away the smell from the reservations. Nothing more.