My place has been party central as we celebrated our seismic shift towards inevitable majority government and the utter capitulation by Quasimodo over the Throne Speech. The Moustache that Roared even claims we already have a majority because Quasimodo is so weak-kneed. Well I guess every court needs its goofy jester. Does El Presidente like this fool? No - but he does not shoot the messenger who speaks the truth.
But with the most important election in Canadian Conservative history just around the corner not everything is smiles and kittens in our heartland. Some our core Reform support-our-troopers and patriotic Kandihawks are getting restless even though we've painted Quasimodo into a dunce-hatted dead-end corner on Afghanistan with the throne speech.
I've heard the rumblings of cry-baby concern that I've rolled the dice with the manly panel and they may come up lyin' brian snake-eyes and call for tail-between-the-legged cutting and running home to mommie. Some hardcore armchair generals are even muttering about bringing Hillier as party leader. So I want to kneecap these scurrilous scuttlebutsters before they get out of control.
First and foremost, never doubt the strategy of your blessed leader - have I ever lead my flock astray? No, I took you straight to the milk and honey of 24 Sussex - and the promised majority land is but a confidence vote away.
Second, the panel are all proud US flag waving, military cheerleading, PM-saluting, bully-boys (and girls) so the chances of them calling for ignominious retreat that will piss-off the Americans are nil to none. And just to make sure they're consciences stay on track we'll be giving them fat expense accounts and stage-managed, tear-jerking tours of the fine work our soldiers are doing to make Kandahar safe for the Afghan occupiers.
Third, and most importantly, is that we're not just standing still waiting for the manly panel's macho report, we have already activated Plan B - as in Blackwater.
Our good friends at Blackwater are already conducting special training for some of the Canadian forces heading to Afghanistan but that is only the beginning. We are negotiating for Blackwater to provide a wide range of "advisors," "logistics" and "training" on the ground in Camp Kandahar. God knows some of our candy-assed ex-peacenik soldiers need toughening up so they shoot first and ask questions later of the gang of suicide bombers known as Afghan "civilians."
And it turns out that we can get a pretty good deal per thousand "civilian contractors" since Blackwater's little contre-temps in Iraq means they have plenty of staff and blackhawk helicopters sitting idle.
First we'll rent some 'copters from them to help protect our valiant troops from roadside bombs - and to stop us from being a laughing stock in military circles. Of course these complex machines would require private Blackwater pilots and maintenance staff as well as trainers and advis\ers about how to best use them.
We can easily build our need for advisers and trainers from there until we double our "military presence" in Kandahar without sending another single Vandoo for the frogophones to whine about.
Would it be expensive with all those $1500/day private contractors there? You bet, that's the beauty of the plan. We can gobble up billions of the surplus that the opposition keep demanding we spend on God-forsaken social programs.
There are so many advantages to this plan, you'll be surprised you didn't think of it yourself. When a civilian contractor gets killed there are no honor guards or flag draped coffins to worry about - in fact they are not even part of the official casualties. George loves this because the official US military death toll in Iraq would increase 30% if he had to include his private mercenaries.
We'll have tons of kick-ass, state-of-the-art, shock-and-awe military hardware at our disposal, without having to approve a penny of capital expense. Finally we'll have a real army, just like the big boys. Big Dick has been begging me to let Haliburton in on the deal but they don't have such nice shiny toys to rent us.
So you inbred sissies, even if we have to pull every ill-equipped, under-trained Canadian soldier out of Kandahar, we'll still have more than enough firepower to continue the combat roll there. The whole manly report will be beside the point. QED.
God bless the New Private Army of Canada.