Sunday, January 27, 2008

Hell hath no fury like a Harpie scorned

It's the worst kept secret in Ottawa that General Hellier envies me and desperately wants my job as Conservative Party Honcho and PM. Everyone in this great country is entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness but, Big Cheese of Defense Staff or not, treason is not an acceptable path to achieve your dreams.

Here am I, the PM who without fanfare has done more to build the prestige, power, and privilege of the Canadian Forces from the halls of Ottawa to the stores of mainstreet Canada. But instead of supporting me and thanking me for my valiant efforts, Canada's chief soldier has done everything in his power to undermine and usurp me.

But his latest outrage has crossed the line big time! How dare this Queen's Hussar in a tight-assed uniform undercut the credibility and imperil the viability of Sandra, my personal spokesmouth and right-hand man eater. His limp-wristed posturing and asinine antics threaten to scuttle my government's entire Afghan PR policy.

Hellier has always had a hate hard on for Sandra, maybe he just doesn't like women who can boss him around. But now this infantile infantry imbecile thinks he can outwit me, the strategic supreme commander of both the Conservative Party and Canada? What unbridled arrogance and fellatial folly for a man who doesn't know his sodomy from his gomorah.

How could this cereal-box star crossed dress-up general have allowed the military briefing of our sworn enemy, Liberal Leader Quasimodo, on the top secret change in Afghan detainee policy? I know that he purposely laid this backdoor landmine as some kind of perverted insurance policy. He realized that it was bound to blow up in the my face and leave Sandra twisting in the news breaking wind coming from the collective Canadian media sphincter.

The next thing you know, humped-up homey Hellier will invite some pansy media whore for a private briefing about my Government's new and improved Afghan Take no Prisoners Policy. We make sure our Afghan Army "partners" are always on hand to "detain" the raghead terrorists and then they drag them to the same local jails we used to frequent but are now barred from.

This torturific strategy is a water-boarding win-win: the evil scumbags get the vital intelligence we need excruciatingly extracted from them along with their fingernails and we get to keep our hands and noses squeaky clean. A stroke of brilliance but now Hellier is chafing and giving us the shaft because it was my idea and Sandra's, not his. General Hasbeen wants to stick with the old fashioned policy of handing the enemy non-combatants over to the US for a little Guantanamo therapy.

I always suspected that Hellier was playing both sides of the street -- pretending to want only me while snuggling up to Liberal deputy macho-man Iguana-face in case of electoral inversion. But now he has blown his cover and exposed himself for naught. I will not tolerate his type of johnny-come-lately loose lips that not only sink ships but give the enemy a ball licking to keep their career on ticking.

And if he thinks he can go all Tony Soprano on me and mine, fuggedaboudit. I've got enough dirty lingerie on this hairy ass to have him busted down to buck naked private -- enjoy the cold showers and forced hard marches at boot camp, bigus dickus.

God bless the New Whup-ass Government of Canada.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Manley yes, but I like it too

The Report of the Independent Panel on Canada’s Future Role in Afghanistan is a triumph. It is a Triumph of the Will of the New Government of Canada.

But more importantly, it is a Triumph of the Spirit of Canadian Bi-partisanship - a Liberal and Conservatives coming together to defeat a common enemy in time of war. Not the Taliban but another fanatical cult that is a greater threat to the Canadian military -- the pacifist cabal of Liberal leader Quasimodo, Bloc Cheesehead and the Moustache that Roared. When will these fanatics wake up to the fact that sometimes you just have to kill poor people to help them, it's the only humane thing to do.

The Manley Report, or Manly Report as I prefer, has 30 action-packed pages that read like a Hollywood movie treatment. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and then you'll realize it's a remake of Wag the Dog meets the Green Berets starring Stalone as the Manly lead.

And in the best blockbuster tradition, a sequel is built right into the plot-- see recommendation 1a: "Early appointment of a high-level civilian representative of the UN Secretary-General to ensure greater coherence in the civilian and military effort in Afghanistan." Don't fret GI Johnny, we've already forwarded your impressive resume with a glowing cover letter to Ban Ki-moon.

But we are going to really seriously study all the report's really serious recommendations: indefinite military mission, more troops, more military helicopters, more spy drones, more Canadian Forces coordination of CIDA development projects, more effective PR to promote the mission to Canadians, more control of the mission by the PM. Okay, we don't need to study them too hard because we wrote them.

Some terrorist-huggers and pacifistopaths are trying to make a big deal of how GI Johnny plagiarized his Chair's Forward to the report from an article he wrote in Policy Options last October. How absurd, how irrelevant can you get. Even closet wikipedophiles should know that the definition of plagiarism is stealing someone ELSE's work -- it is impossible to plagiarize yourself.

Secondly, these mind-numbing morons obviously have no idea how democratic governments work. The whole point of an "Independent Panel" on policy options is to produce a report with predetermined conclusions. What better way than to have an pre-existing article from the Panel Chair that serves an introduction to the required report.

GI Johhny provided the intro, we provided the recommendations and the Panel had the hard job of jetting around the world on their expense accounts to provide the comic relief in the middle part. Don't be too hard on them, after all they are Mulroney yes-people and they had to produce a report over the Christmas holidays while spending time with their families.

One of my favorite jokes in the report is how Canadian Forces should threaten to abandon Kandahar if our allies don't come up with a thousand more troops under our command to ensure victory in South Vietnamistan. Call it the Made-in-Canada Mini-Surge. George loses more than a thousand US soldiers if he coughs too hard, so I'm sure he and Gates can find plenty of volunteers from Falujah and the Triangle of Death to come and show the aw-shucks canucks how to run a real counter-insurgency, without the white gloves. Then there's always my Plan B for Blackwater.

And what is it with GI Johnny's eyes? It can't just be contacts -- brainwashed POW, robot, sleeper cellmate, alien or zombie-- only his hairdresser knows for sure.

God bless the indefinitely extended mission of the New Government of Canada.