Who gives the orders around here anyway?

I told you that Hellier and his brown-nosed Tory backbench cheerleaders were trying to grass my ass. But for him to virtually call me a liar by omission takes the fucking fudge cake, pardon my French. Look I've cut him some slack on his camo-photo-ops since he's a serving militico but that fast-talking Newfie is not going to have my job while I can still breathe.

First Hellier makes some wild claim that the Afghan Army won't be ready to take on security for a least a decade which, although it may be technically true, directly conflicts with the spirit my stated date of 2011.

Then he has the utter gall not to correct his mistake or retract his date but to waffle on some "we're all on the same page" crap -- as if I knew all along wink-wink that the 2011 date was just a convenient fiction.

Hello? I am the freaking Canadian Commander-in-Chief or what? (Or at least I will be when I change the Constitution or approve the merger with the US.) Some trumped-up little tin-star general doesn't go around contradicting me.

Sure Hellier can probably back up his date with some kind of military-speak acronym-filled mumbo-jumbo but my date was not only government policy but it has a much more important and sophisticated analysis behind it -- in a word, electability. That has a much more far-reaching impact on government policy that whether the Afghan Army can fight their way out of a wet paper opium bag.

I think General Assmunch must have landed on his head too many times playing with the paratroopers. And here's a word of free advice Brigadier Bonehead: lay-off the touchy-feely Rick Mercer appearances and the constant war-is-hell photo-ops -- it looks like you are trying too hard to be PM. Disinterested and slack-jawed wins the day, just look at how well it worked for Cretin.

Hellier is an egomaniac loose cannon who should be court-martialed for insubordination and is the second to last person on earth who I would want to succeed me as leader. Unfortunately, Peter Pan is the very last person on earth so I can't dump Hellier.

Peter Pan is like a walking advertisement for impotence - they should put his picture in all those viagra emails. I told him that his one and only file is Afghanistan and he promised me he could handle it like a man. I told him I would take care of the true north star strong and free arctic sovereignty beat, so that he could put all his thrust into Kandahar.

How does he repay my trust? The good ship Peter Pan finally limps in to Kandahar this week --traveling at wimp factor nine -- only three months too late. Not only has Kid Coderre beat him there (and shaved his Kandahar-Cup beard) but so have Max and Oda, Casey and Finnigin from Mr. Dressup, Tickle-Me-Elmo and Spotty Sam -- a acne-pocked 14-year-old charter member of bed-wetters anonymous.

Peter Pan is the only red-blooded caucasian on the planet that could actually be out-manned by the raghead Afghan army. He and Hillier are a perfectly matched couple. They should go out together for Halloween as Torvill and Dean or, better yet, Bluto and Olive Oyl -- they cancel each other out and keep El Presidente Popeye in the green.

By sinking them both in the Afghanistan quagmire I can keep the leadership rivals, real and imaginary, stuck in the mud.

God bless the New Command-In-Chief of Canada

Plan B is for Blackwater

My place has been party central as we celebrated our seismic shift towards inevitable majority government and the utter capitulation by Quasimodo over the Throne Speech. The Moustache that Roared even claims we already have a majority because Quasimodo is so weak-kneed. Well I guess every court needs its goofy jester. Does El Presidente like this fool? No - but he does not shoot the messenger who speaks the truth.

But with the most important election in Canadian Conservative history just around the corner not everything is smiles and kittens in our heartland. Some our core Reform support-our-troopers and patriotic Kandihawks are getting restless even though we've painted Quasimodo into a dunce-hatted dead-end corner on Afghanistan with the throne speech.

I've heard the rumblings of cry-baby concern that I've rolled the dice with the manly panel and they may come up lyin' brian snake-eyes and call for tail-between-the-legged cutting and running home to mommie. Some hardcore armchair generals are even muttering about bringing Hillier as party leader. So I want to kneecap these scurrilous scuttlebutsters before they get out of control.

First and foremost, never doubt the strategy of your blessed leader - have I ever lead my flock astray? No, I took you straight to the milk and honey of 24 Sussex - and the promised majority land is but a confidence vote away.

Second, the panel are all proud US flag waving, military cheerleading, PM-saluting, bully-boys (and girls) so the chances of them calling for ignominious retreat that will piss-off the Americans are nil to none. And just to make sure they're consciences stay on track we'll be giving them fat expense accounts and stage-managed, tear-jerking tours of the fine work our soldiers are doing to make Kandahar safe for the Afghan occupiers.

Third, and most importantly, is that we're not just standing still waiting for the manly panel's macho report, we have already activated Plan B - as in Blackwater.

Our good friends at Blackwater are already conducting special training for some of the Canadian forces heading to Afghanistan but that is only the beginning. We are negotiating for Blackwater to provide a wide range of "advisors," "logistics" and "training" on the ground in Camp Kandahar. God knows some of our candy-assed ex-peacenik soldiers need toughening up so they shoot first and ask questions later of the gang of suicide bombers known as Afghan "civilians."

And it turns out that we can get a pretty good deal per thousand "civilian contractors" since Blackwater's little contre-temps in Iraq means they have plenty of staff and blackhawk helicopters sitting idle.

First we'll rent some 'copters from them to help protect our valiant troops from roadside bombs - and to stop us from being a laughing stock in military circles. Of course these complex machines would require private Blackwater pilots and maintenance staff as well as trainers and advis\ers about how to best use them.

We can easily build our need for advisers and trainers from there until we double our "military presence" in Kandahar without sending another single Vandoo for the frogophones to whine about.

Would it be expensive with all those $1500/day private contractors there? You bet, that's the beauty of the plan. We can gobble up billions of the surplus that the opposition keep demanding we spend on God-forsaken social programs.

There are so many advantages to this plan, you'll be surprised you didn't think of it yourself. When a civilian contractor gets killed there are no honor guards or flag draped coffins to worry about - in fact they are not even part of the official casualties. George loves this because the official US military death toll in Iraq would increase 30% if he had to include his private mercenaries.

We'll have tons of kick-ass, state-of-the-art, shock-and-awe military hardware at our disposal, without having to approve a penny of capital expense. Finally we'll have a real army, just like the big boys. Big Dick has been begging me to let Haliburton in on the deal but they don't have such nice shiny toys to rent us.

So you inbred sissies, even if we have to pull every ill-equipped, under-trained Canadian soldier out of Kandahar, we'll still have more than enough firepower to continue the combat roll there. The whole manly report will be beside the point. QED.

God bless the New Private Army of Canada.

Mining the harbors for democracy

I have hardly slept a wink for three nights. Sandra, Tom, Mark and I have been too excited and busy laying the anti-liberal minefield that is the New Throne Speech to even think about sleep. We worked proudly and feverishly with a sense of destiny - believing that we were patriots changing history and creating a New Majority in this country.

There are the small anti-personnel mines like cuts to the GST that Cretin promised but never delivered, then there is the bunker-busting, ship-scuttling ordinance such as Kyoto is dead and we're staying in Afghanistan until 2011. If Quasimodo and his cronies votes for our New Throne Speech then not only will he have killed his own pet dog but we will have blown his credibility and his party into tiny unrecognizable pieces.

Our only spiritual guides for the New Throne Speech were the infallible Bible and a case of Tequila Ley Extra Anejo that George sent me. Mark, the adviser formerly known as Dion's, was crucial in constructing the booby traps and double blinds that will confound Quasimodo and his troops and strand them in a Vietnamesque quagmire. As we struggled through the long nights I often thought of other great freedom fighters in history such as Oliver North and the Contras who made terrible sacrifices for the cause of democracy.

I hesitate to compare my meager efforts to such heroism but I began to feel we were part of something bigger -- the global fight against tyranny and oppression. I dared to hope that our New Throne Speech could become a defining moment, a turning point, in the rising tide against despotism in our country - like the mining of the totalitarian Sandinistas' harbors by the brave Nicaraguan freedom fighters put that benighted country on the road to salvation.

For most of the last century Canada has been a virtual one-party state with more than 20 Liberal regimes punctuated by occasional Liberal-lite PC governments. Yes, Canada is nominally democratic but even the Sandinistas held sham elections to mask their dictatorship.

The Liberal tyrants have used their power and privilege to enslave the Canadian public with innumerable social engineering abominations, such as socialized medicine, old age pension dependency, students loan sharking, national welfare addiction, and collectivist childcare.

The Liberal juntas have often colluded and conspired with the totalitarian socialist hordes to oppress Canadians and yoke them to the unfree welfare state. This is similar to the Sandinistas' secret plotting and connivance with communist dictatorships in Cuba and Stalinist Soviet Union to threaten the peace and stability of the Americas.

I am proud to think that our New Throne Speech has thrown down the gauntlet to evil and equality everywhere while providing a roadmap to freedom and democracy here at home.

God Bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Grit your teeth Quasimodo and eat your shit with a manly smile

Politics is usually a fun game but it's just too easy when your opponents are professional village idiots like Bloc Cheesehead, prancing neanderthals like the Moustache that Roared or especially dumbass deer caught in the headlights like Liberal Quasimodo. These three don't have enough brain cells between them to line the bottom of a bird cage. It's like tricking Wiley Coyote, knowing he'll walk into the trap every time takes the fun out of it.

The latest cliff they obligingly walked over with legs flailing is my tory-blue ribbon Manly Afghan commission. This thing kills about twelve birds with one stone: reminds people that the Liberals got us into Kandahar, pulls the red carpet out from under any Afghanistan debates for three months, provides me with teflon coating in case any more vandoos bite le biscuit, makes extending the mission seem non-partisan -- especially after its report supports my position for finishing the job, wink-wink, leaves Quasimodo droolingly slack-jawed, and, most importantly, locks and loads us for our next shot at majority.

Don't think I would have let this johnny on the spot without making sure he was onside with more combat troops. Let's call Manley a recovering Liberal after he chaired the US Council on Foreign Relations task force which recommended North American economic and social union as he was cheered on by his CFR buddies Wolfowitz, Cheney and Irving Kristol.

Even if he manly decides to doublecross me, the majority of the the panel are tried and true tory yes-men who can be counted on to vote their consciences as I dictate. And don't even get me started on hair-flipping Wallin, She's just so excited to be playing with the big boys that she'd vote to send Mansbridge to the electric chair if I hinted it was a good idea. Or at least the ex-Mrs-Mansbridge Mesley - she really has the hates for that neo-hip limousine-left poser.

And now Quasimodo's surrender-monkeys have sprung into action - they've already admitted defeat on the throne speech and now they're trying to smother the manly panel news by offering BIGGER corporate tax cuts, What The Fucking Fuck, pardon my french. Is Quasimodo really trying to outflank me on the right? -- he must have had too much laughing gas.

The pre-election panic is palpable everywhere - the Moustache that Roared has his leather pants on so tight that he's started parroting our line that Quasimodo is not a leader. The socialistas even copied our "what me a dumbshit?" picture of Quasimodo to use on their website.

Oh how the flaky have fallen - right into my trap for bid brains. The so-called opposition has commenced collective suicide on my command. Divide and Rule rulez!

God bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Keeping our streets safe from junkies

I know you will be as angry and upset about this story as I was.

A 41-year old man in Missouri stuffed a 52 cent donut in his sweatshirt and pushed past a convenience store clerk who tried to stop him from leaving. The perpatrator has been charged with strong armed robbery using violence which carries a prison sentence of up to 15 years. Because of his lengthy criminal history he might get 30 years in prison.

I have always believed that the US stood for freedom and was a bastion of justice so I am shocked and saddened by this case. I thought I could sleep soundly knowing that south of the border junkies and criminals received fair judgements for their villainy but I was wrong.

This serial sleazeball has committed a string of violent donut-fueled crimes but he will be back on the streets to assault and rob more innocent citizens of their freedom and their sugar-coated pastries - which is a travesty of justice.

I appeal to the right thinking supporters of law and order in Missouri to rise up and demand that this monster be locked up for life. After all, what is the point of America's much admired "3 strikes and you're out" laws if they are ignored and not worth the parchment they are written on.

And don't think that the scourge of donut-freaks is limited to the US -- we should admit that glaze-eyed donut-junkies are a searious threat to peace and public order here in Canada. That is why my government will put millions of dollars into a new anti-donut enforcement policy. The party is over for the pastry-poppers, danish-fiends and cruellerheads that are making our streets a frosted living hell.

I also pledge that when our New Majority Government passes a Made in Canada "3 strikes" law that the integrity of such an important law will not not undermined by squeamish judges or morally ambiguous prosecutors.

God bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Peter Pan makes Tinkerbell look tough

No wonder that Peter Pan called Denis Coderre's trip to Kandahar "a publicity stunt" -- because it's so fucking embarrassing, pardon my french, that Mr Potato Head hasn't managed to pull off the same stunt himself since he became Defense Minister. Chalk one up for my "no ministers in camouflage" policy -- what's the point of Peter Pan going to Afghanistan without some Ramboesque photo-ops with the troops to burnish his tough guy image.

What tough guy image you say? My point exactly.

Thank god we got Peter Pan out of Foreign Affairs where all his flip-flops and goof-ups were plastered all over the international media outside our spin zone. And Max has already made a much bigger splash at the UN in two months than fairy boy from Neverland did in 20.

In fact Max has also beat him to Afghanistan this weekend -- we needed some one tough and savvy to swoop in there and take the limelight off Crazy Coderre -- not actually that hard since he's spending all his time in the Kandahar canteen packing in the poutine. But needless to say the gutless wonder did not get the call.

Peter Pan is basically a walking embarrassment and national liability that we have to keep on our party balance sheet so that the rest of the government-handout-loving defeatist red tories in the Maritimes don't jump ship. He's also cloyingly clingy and faux-folksy, I'm running out of even slightly plausible excuses for why I can't go and visit him and pa on the potato farm - even being outright rude doesn't discourage the boy who never grew up.

The only positive headlines Peter Pan can generate is through his achy-breaky heartthrob status as arm-candy to the rich and famous. Although that is way overblown according to Sandra. She told me from day one that he and Belinda were doomed -- even as she was busy throwing fresh meat to the gossipy media feeding frenzy.

Sandra says that tough, successful women need strong men (she should know) and she claims that she could bust Peter Pan's balls with one hand tied behind her back and a really small pair of tweezers. Ouch. We had a really good laugh when the New York Times tried to link him up with Condi. As if. Even Laureen thinks he is too wimpy for words.

There were a few sickeningly coy photographs but at most Condi just needed a blond notch in her milehigh bedpost on Airforce 3. It would take her about ten minutes to figure out that he is a world class wuss and get tired of his puppy dog act. Then she would be like, "what was I thinking?" and kick him out with her thigh-high black stilleto boots.

But the thing that really bugs me about Peter Pan is his bleeding heart red underwear. When I took over his anemic PC party and turned it into a real red-blooded conservative one, he secretly believed that he would be leader within three years. He thought that he could wait for me to unify and rebuild the party, and then when I stumbled short of government he would ride in on his nice-guy white horse and trot to 24 Sussex.

Over my dead body. I would rather burn this party to the ground than see him as leader. He would turn it back into the namby-pamby, Liberal Lite, Politically Correct party.

Once we get our majority, it'll be time to take this dumb wounded animal behind the woodshed and put it out if its misery.

Capital punishment is harm reduction

I know some of you are disappointed by the anti-drug strategy we announced today in Winnipeg and especially the recent press-released six-month stay of execution for the Insane Injection Site - the government-run heroin shooting gallery in Vancouver.

But do not despair Reform faithful, this is only our Election Drug Strategy - we don't want to give the opposition a big stick they can use to scare off urban voters. At the same time Stock and I have been working hard on another plan - you could call it the New Majority Government of Canada Anti-Drug Strategy.

Call me cynical but I'm going to tell you straight - we need a majority to properly implement our principled agenda. Although we don't have a snowman's chance in la-la-land of winning a seat in loonie-left Vancouver, this issue could sabotage our big push for majority-making urban seats around Toronto and Montreal.

Before you accuse me of abandoning the moral high ground, let me give you a sneak peak at our evolving majority anti-drug plan. It is based on an improved four-pillar approach for dealing with drug fiends and pushers: Punishment, Incarceration, Intimidation and Excommunication.

The knee-jerk narco-freaks and the junkie-coddling medical bureaucracy will whine that we've abandoned harm reduction. But our entire strategy is harm reduction because what could possibly reduce the harm to our children and our property more than locking up the druggie criminals and keeping them off the streets.

I know what you are thinking - that execution is the only effective harm reduction measure for sicko drug dealers and the only safe injection site is a lethal injection room. We are studying execution as a fifth pillar through designating serious drug-dealing as terrorism and a capital crime - today's announcement or mandatory sentencing is just the first step down that road. We all know this approach has been very effective in countries such as Burma, China and even the US.

With the incarceration pillar falling into place, intimidation will become the focus of our anti-drug strategy. Intimidation is crucial for keeping our young people off drugs. We will get a morally benign ad agency to produce a powerful multi-media curriculum of narcotic horror stories that will put the fear of God into any punk who thinks illegal drugs are a joyride.

The youth intimidation campaign will also feature a made in Canada slogan - Just say NO to drugs or Just stay in JAIL! Anti-drug themed video games will stress that imprisoned biker gang members prefer youth drug offenders a sex slaves so don't get caught with a joint or you're biker bait in the joint.

This message will be reinforced by an innovative hi-tech youth intimidation-incarceration program called Bait the Spliff. Based on the successful Bait Car campaign we will be distributing bait joints in high profile locations like Queen Street poolhalls and Commercial Drive cafes.

These specially formulated doobies will include miniaturized GPS and video cameras as well as excreting indelible dyes to stain the fingers. The bait reefers will be electronically monitored by private security firms so as soon as the perp lights up, a broadcast-video-enabled SWAT team can be dispatched to shame and arrest the criminal - all on live television.

The wide-angle hidden cannabis-cam will record the dope fiend's horrified reaction to their arrest as well as documenting any criminal activity the scumbag uses to support his filthy habit. These videos will be invaluable for public intimidation campaigns in schools, nightly newscasts, and on You Tube.

The Excommunication pillar is where we treat drug addiction as a medical issue - helping addicts to escape their narcotic slavery. A new drug-free clause in the Canada Social Transfer will stipulate that no federal funds can be used for procuring illegal drugs. This means medical drug screening tests will become mandatory before people can receive drug-free welfare from provincial agencies.

The Excommunication pillar is best summed up by the recent Globe and Mail headline: Crack or Food - The Choice is Yours. Unless disadvantaged citizens make an effort to end their anti-social and destructive lifestyle, society should not enable and encourage their bad behavior. If you transgress so far outside the norms of society don't expect society to pick up the pieces - you will be excommunicated.

And I personally pledge to you that the day after we win a majority, not only will the criminal code exemption for Vancouver's government-subsidized crack house be yanked but we will send in Canadian Forces bulldozers to wipe that affront to moral decency off the map before it can cause any more harm to our community and our children.

God bless the New - soon to be Majority - Government of Canada.