Promoting peace on the world stage

I've escaped the hellhole of Uganda where I single-handedly battled to stop a ragtag club of ex-colonials and tinpot dictators from screwing my pooch on Climate Change. As I was doing my little bit there to make the world safe for tarsands, I couldn't stop thinking of that shining place where world peace could break out this week -- Annapolis.

I'd much rather be on the real world stage -- with George and Condi -- instead of the motley collection of bemedalled buffoons pumping hot air in Kampala. So I was pondering what the New Government to Canada can do to help promote peace in the Middle East and I've come up with a brilliant plan...

I will give an honorary Canadian citizenship to that prince of peace in the middle east, former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. After all, few have done more to the cause of peace than Sharon, the mentor of current Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

I personally know that Arik is a man of peace even though I never met him because George has told me himself many times. General and then Prime Minister Sharon was a peacemaker for many reasons and many seasons...

Sharon became the patron saint of Israeli settlers when he doubled the number of illegal settlements in the West Bank and Gaza strip in the 1970s. This settler of peace said "Everybody has to move, run and grab as many (West Bank) hilltops as they can to enlarge the (Jewish) settlements because everything we take now will stay ours... Everything we don't grab will go to them."

Arik was a wall-builder of peace as prime minister in 2002 when he started the building of a 650 km long wall, 80% of which lies within the Palestinian West Bank. The wall slices Palestinians from their fields, schools and hospitals and dices their territory to fulfill Sharon's peaceable promise of turning Palestine into a "pastrami sandwich."

Sharon was also a bulldozer toward peace whose army flattened an entire neighborhood of more than 100 Palestinian houses in the Jenin refugee camp into a rubble pile the size of 16 football fields during 2002's "Operation Defensive Shield." What could be more peaceful than empty football fields?

Arik believed so passionate in peace that he was willing to commit massacres to advance its cause. He was personally responsible for the massacre of 69 Palestinian civilians in the West Bank town of Qibya in 1953 and for the 1982 massacre of more than 1000 Palestinian civilians in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps of Lebanon. What selfless man of peace could do more?

Of course some of the hardcore anti-semites and uber-peace-mongers in the opposition ranks will object to giving Sharon an honorary Canadian citizenship based on the fact that some obscure Belgian court once indicted him for war crimes. But that is a non-starter because George twisted a few arms to have Belgian laws changed and the charges were dropped. And what the hell does Belgium know about peace anyway.

But this motion will split all three pseudo-peace-freak opposition parties into warring factions. If they oppose Sharon's citizenship, they will royally piss off their pro-Israel supporters and if they support the government their pacifist-maniac supporters will stay home, either way they lose.

My pal Gerry Schwartz of AIPAC-North says it's a sure fire plan to pry some of those big urban seats from the cold dead hand of Quasimodo and the Moustache that Roared.

One of our big problems in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver is that the Jewish vote is even more liberal than the rest of the ethnic vote. But this motion will amputate the other parties from their urban supporters and pave the way to a New Majority Government.

The Su Ang Ki gambit was only the first step in a long term majaority strategy of promoting peace on the world stage. After Ariel Sharon my government will also be proposing honorary citizenship for President Pinochet for smiting the socialists and making Chile safe for Miltonian market economics, President Suharto for crushing the commies to unite Indonesia and East Timor in personal prosperity, as well as the Shah for his heroic efforts to keep Iran out of the murderous grip of the evil mullahs.

God bless the true peacemakers in the New Government of Canada.