It's the worst kept secret in Ottawa that General Hellier envies me and desperately wants my job as Conservative Party Honcho and PM. Everyone in this great country is entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness but, Big Cheese of Defense Staff or not, treason is not an acceptable path to achieve your dreams.
Here am I, the PM who without fanfare has done more to build the prestige, power, and privilege of the Canadian Forces from the halls of Ottawa to the stores of mainstreet Canada. But instead of supporting me and thanking me for my valiant efforts, Canada's chief soldier has done everything in his power to undermine and usurp me.
But his latest outrage has crossed the line big time! How dare this Queen's Hussar in a tight-assed uniform undercut the credibility and imperil the viability of Sandra, my personal spokesmouth and right-hand man eater. His limp-wristed posturing and asinine antics threaten to scuttle my government's entire Afghan PR policy.
Hellier has always had a hate hard on for Sandra, maybe he just doesn't like women who can boss him around. But now this infantile infantry imbecile thinks he can outwit me, the strategic supreme commander of both the Conservative Party and Canada? What unbridled arrogance and fellatial folly for a man who doesn't know his sodomy from his gomorah.
How could this cereal-box star crossed dress-up general have allowed the military briefing of our sworn enemy, Liberal Leader Quasimodo, on the top secret change in Afghan detainee policy? I know that he purposely laid this backdoor landmine as some kind of perverted insurance policy. He realized that it was bound to blow up in the my face and leave Sandra twisting in the news breaking wind coming from the collective Canadian media sphincter.
The next thing you know, humped-up homey Hellier will invite some pansy media whore for a private briefing about my Government's new and improved Afghan Take no Prisoners Policy. We make sure our Afghan Army "partners" are always on hand to "detain" the raghead terrorists and then they drag them to the same local jails we used to frequent but are now barred from.
This torturific strategy is a water-boarding win-win: the evil scumbags get the vital intelligence we need excruciatingly extracted from them along with their fingernails and we get to keep our hands and noses squeaky clean. A stroke of brilliance but now Hellier is chafing and giving us the shaft because it was my idea and Sandra's, not his. General Hasbeen wants to stick with the old fashioned policy of handing the enemy non-combatants over to the US for a little Guantanamo therapy.
I always suspected that Hellier was playing both sides of the street -- pretending to want only me while snuggling up to Liberal deputy macho-man Iguana-face in case of electoral inversion. But now he has blown his cover and exposed himself for naught. I will not tolerate his type of johnny-come-lately loose lips that not only sink ships but give the enemy a ball licking to keep their career on ticking.
And if he thinks he can go all Tony Soprano on me and mine, fuggedaboudit. I've got enough dirty lingerie on this hairy ass to have him busted down to buck naked private -- enjoy the cold showers and forced hard marches at boot camp, bigus dickus.
God bless the New Whup-ass Government of Canada.
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