Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Manley yes, but I like it too

The Report of the Independent Panel on Canada’s Future Role in Afghanistan is a triumph. It is a Triumph of the Will of the New Government of Canada.

But more importantly, it is a Triumph of the Spirit of Canadian Bi-partisanship - a Liberal and Conservatives coming together to defeat a common enemy in time of war. Not the Taliban but another fanatical cult that is a greater threat to the Canadian military -- the pacifist cabal of Liberal leader Quasimodo, Bloc Cheesehead and the Moustache that Roared. When will these fanatics wake up to the fact that sometimes you just have to kill poor people to help them, it's the only humane thing to do.

The Manley Report, or Manly Report as I prefer, has 30 action-packed pages that read like a Hollywood movie treatment. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and then you'll realize it's a remake of Wag the Dog meets the Green Berets starring Stalone as the Manly lead.

And in the best blockbuster tradition, a sequel is built right into the plot-- see recommendation 1a: "Early appointment of a high-level civilian representative of the UN Secretary-General to ensure greater coherence in the civilian and military effort in Afghanistan." Don't fret GI Johnny, we've already forwarded your impressive resume with a glowing cover letter to Ban Ki-moon.

But we are going to really seriously study all the report's really serious recommendations: indefinite military mission, more troops, more military helicopters, more spy drones, more Canadian Forces coordination of CIDA development projects, more effective PR to promote the mission to Canadians, more control of the mission by the PM. Okay, we don't need to study them too hard because we wrote them.

Some terrorist-huggers and pacifistopaths are trying to make a big deal of how GI Johnny plagiarized his Chair's Forward to the report from an article he wrote in Policy Options last October. How absurd, how irrelevant can you get. Even closet wikipedophiles should know that the definition of plagiarism is stealing someone ELSE's work -- it is impossible to plagiarize yourself.

Secondly, these mind-numbing morons obviously have no idea how democratic governments work. The whole point of an "Independent Panel" on policy options is to produce a report with predetermined conclusions. What better way than to have an pre-existing article from the Panel Chair that serves an introduction to the required report.

GI Johhny provided the intro, we provided the recommendations and the Panel had the hard job of jetting around the world on their expense accounts to provide the comic relief in the middle part. Don't be too hard on them, after all they are Mulroney yes-people and they had to produce a report over the Christmas holidays while spending time with their families.

One of my favorite jokes in the report is how Canadian Forces should threaten to abandon Kandahar if our allies don't come up with a thousand more troops under our command to ensure victory in South Vietnamistan. Call it the Made-in-Canada Mini-Surge. George loses more than a thousand US soldiers if he coughs too hard, so I'm sure he and Gates can find plenty of volunteers from Falujah and the Triangle of Death to come and show the aw-shucks canucks how to run a real counter-insurgency, without the white gloves. Then there's always my Plan B for Blackwater.

And what is it with GI Johnny's eyes? It can't just be contacts -- brainwashed POW, robot, sleeper cellmate, alien or zombie-- only his hairdresser knows for sure.

God bless the indefinitely extended mission of the New Government of Canada.

No comments: