I know you will be as angry and upset about this story as I was.
A 41-year old man in Missouri stuffed a 52 cent donut in his sweatshirt and pushed past a convenience store clerk who tried to stop him from leaving. The perpatrator has been charged with strong armed robbery using violence which carries a prison sentence of up to 15 years. Because of his lengthy criminal history he might get 30 years in prison.
I have always believed that the US stood for freedom and was a bastion of justice so I am shocked and saddened by this case. I thought I could sleep soundly knowing that south of the border junkies and criminals received fair judgements for their villainy but I was wrong.
This serial sleazeball has committed a string of violent donut-fueled crimes but he will be back on the streets to assault and rob more innocent citizens of their freedom and their sugar-coated pastries - which is a travesty of justice.
I appeal to the right thinking supporters of law and order in Missouri to rise up and demand that this monster be locked up for life. After all, what is the point of America's much admired "3 strikes and you're out" laws if they are ignored and not worth the parchment they are written on.
And don't think that the scourge of donut-freaks is limited to the US -- we should admit that glaze-eyed donut-junkies are a searious threat to peace and public order here in Canada. That is why my government will put millions of dollars into a new anti-donut enforcement policy. The party is over for the pastry-poppers, danish-fiends and cruellerheads that are making our streets a frosted living hell.
I also pledge that when our New Majority Government passes a Made in Canada "3 strikes" law that the integrity of such an important law will not not undermined by squeamish judges or morally ambiguous prosecutors.
God bless the New Majority Government of Canada.
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