Monday, October 8, 2007

Peter Pan makes Tinkerbell look tough

No wonder that Peter Pan called Denis Coderre's trip to Kandahar "a publicity stunt" -- because it's so fucking embarrassing, pardon my french, that Mr Potato Head hasn't managed to pull off the same stunt himself since he became Defense Minister. Chalk one up for my "no ministers in camouflage" policy -- what's the point of Peter Pan going to Afghanistan without some Ramboesque photo-ops with the troops to burnish his tough guy image.

What tough guy image you say? My point exactly.

Thank god we got Peter Pan out of Foreign Affairs where all his flip-flops and goof-ups were plastered all over the international media outside our spin zone. And Max has already made a much bigger splash at the UN in two months than fairy boy from Neverland did in 20.

In fact Max has also beat him to Afghanistan this weekend -- we needed some one tough and savvy to swoop in there and take the limelight off Crazy Coderre -- not actually that hard since he's spending all his time in the Kandahar canteen packing in the poutine. But needless to say the gutless wonder did not get the call.

Peter Pan is basically a walking embarrassment and national liability that we have to keep on our party balance sheet so that the rest of the government-handout-loving defeatist red tories in the Maritimes don't jump ship. He's also cloyingly clingy and faux-folksy, I'm running out of even slightly plausible excuses for why I can't go and visit him and pa on the potato farm - even being outright rude doesn't discourage the boy who never grew up.

The only positive headlines Peter Pan can generate is through his achy-breaky heartthrob status as arm-candy to the rich and famous. Although that is way overblown according to Sandra. She told me from day one that he and Belinda were doomed -- even as she was busy throwing fresh meat to the gossipy media feeding frenzy.

Sandra says that tough, successful women need strong men (she should know) and she claims that she could bust Peter Pan's balls with one hand tied behind her back and a really small pair of tweezers. Ouch. We had a really good laugh when the New York Times tried to link him up with Condi. As if. Even Laureen thinks he is too wimpy for words.

There were a few sickeningly coy photographs but at most Condi just needed a blond notch in her milehigh bedpost on Airforce 3. It would take her about ten minutes to figure out that he is a world class wuss and get tired of his puppy dog act. Then she would be like, "what was I thinking?" and kick him out with her thigh-high black stilleto boots.

But the thing that really bugs me about Peter Pan is his bleeding heart red underwear. When I took over his anemic PC party and turned it into a real red-blooded conservative one, he secretly believed that he would be leader within three years. He thought that he could wait for me to unify and rebuild the party, and then when I stumbled short of government he would ride in on his nice-guy white horse and trot to 24 Sussex.

Over my dead body. I would rather burn this party to the ground than see him as leader. He would turn it back into the namby-pamby, Liberal Lite, Politically Correct party.

Once we get our majority, it'll be time to take this dumb wounded animal behind the woodshed and put it out if its misery.

No comments: