I know I should be basking in the glory of my heart-warming speech a the high-level UN climate change conference in New York and the joy of joining the Awesome Polluters Partnership but some evil corporate clowns rained on my parade.
However another travesty has me tied up in knots right now -- some wacko-fringe commie-freak in Vancouver has written a God-forsaken article comparing my good friend Thomas D'Aquino to the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. How could such outrageous, blasphemous, slanderous, insane mutterings of a conspiracy theorist gone totally fucking bonkers get published? Only because it's Vancouver, land of the lunatic left fringe where I could only sneak in a Conservative MP by bald-faced bribery.
Hasn't Vancouver done enough already to destroy the reputation of this great country by being the birthplace of Greenpeace, terrorizing the US with their narco-freak BC Bud, and breeding criminal drug addicts by giving out free needles, free drugs and a government-subsidized shooting gallery? And instead of learning the lesson that coddling criminals creates more crime, they're whining and demanding more exemptions from the criminal code so they can give the pushers and crackheads an even freer ride.
Some people will say the pea-brained La-la-land pundit is only using ironic grandstanding to make a point and it's better to ignore him. I say he's our own little Ahmadinejad so let's clap him in leg shackles and see how he likes that irony. Its a free country but that does not include the freedom to spout hateful anti-capitalist propaganda.
Anyway, the point is that Thomas is a good Christian and a great Canadian who has done tireless service to this country for more than 20 years. To call him an Ayatollah is a grotesque and blasphemous slur. Tom is patriot and who loves Canada so much that he wants it to be part of the US. We're not losing a country, we're gaining a superpower, as he explained to me.
D'Aquino is righteously famous for his Sermon on the Montroyal which is credited with converting the apostate Mulroney to the one true religion of Miltonian Free Trade. Thomas has since become Canada's cherished Clergyman of Corporate Capitalism and an enthusiatic Rector of Economic Rationalisation but that doesn't give anyone the right to take his name in vain.
Thomas is a prophetic Preacher of Privatisation and the divine Deacon of Deindustrialisation so to compare him to the murderous mullahs of Tehran is an immoral crime against nature, akin to the other sinful sodomite lifestyle Vancouver is infamous for.
The beneficence that D'Aquino has bestowed on our country knows no bounds, he is the Dean of Downsizing, Reverend of Reverse capital flows, Tsar of Trickle-down, Friar of Free market fundamentalism, Thomas More of Tax Cuts, Prelate of Poor-bashing, Bishop of Budget cuts, Richelieu of Rich get richer, and most importantly, the esteemed Reverend of Reaganomics.
Thomas knows that all saints are persecuted in life before being worshiped in death so he bears the slings and arrows with a profound aquinimity. Not to doubt him, but I say why turn the other cheek when you can have an eye for an eye. So lets cut the scaberous writing hand off this viperous scribe that spews such vile filth.
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