Hell hath no fury like a Harpie scorned

It's the worst kept secret in Ottawa that General Hellier envies me and desperately wants my job as Conservative Party Honcho and PM. Everyone in this great country is entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness but, Big Cheese of Defense Staff or not, treason is not an acceptable path to achieve your dreams.

Here am I, the PM who without fanfare has done more to build the prestige, power, and privilege of the Canadian Forces from the halls of Ottawa to the stores of mainstreet Canada. But instead of supporting me and thanking me for my valiant efforts, Canada's chief soldier has done everything in his power to undermine and usurp me.

But his latest outrage has crossed the line big time! How dare this Queen's Hussar in a tight-assed uniform undercut the credibility and imperil the viability of Sandra, my personal spokesmouth and right-hand man eater. His limp-wristed posturing and asinine antics threaten to scuttle my government's entire Afghan PR policy.

Hellier has always had a hate hard on for Sandra, maybe he just doesn't like women who can boss him around. But now this infantile infantry imbecile thinks he can outwit me, the strategic supreme commander of both the Conservative Party and Canada? What unbridled arrogance and fellatial folly for a man who doesn't know his sodomy from his gomorah.

How could this cereal-box star crossed dress-up general have allowed the military briefing of our sworn enemy, Liberal Leader Quasimodo, on the top secret change in Afghan detainee policy? I know that he purposely laid this backdoor landmine as some kind of perverted insurance policy. He realized that it was bound to blow up in the my face and leave Sandra twisting in the news breaking wind coming from the collective Canadian media sphincter.

The next thing you know, humped-up homey Hellier will invite some pansy media whore for a private briefing about my Government's new and improved Afghan Take no Prisoners Policy. We make sure our Afghan Army "partners" are always on hand to "detain" the raghead terrorists and then they drag them to the same local jails we used to frequent but are now barred from.

This torturific strategy is a water-boarding win-win: the evil scumbags get the vital intelligence we need excruciatingly extracted from them along with their fingernails and we get to keep our hands and noses squeaky clean. A stroke of brilliance but now Hellier is chafing and giving us the shaft because it was my idea and Sandra's, not his. General Hasbeen wants to stick with the old fashioned policy of handing the enemy non-combatants over to the US for a little Guantanamo therapy.

I always suspected that Hellier was playing both sides of the street -- pretending to want only me while snuggling up to Liberal deputy macho-man Iguana-face in case of electoral inversion. But now he has blown his cover and exposed himself for naught. I will not tolerate his type of johnny-come-lately loose lips that not only sink ships but give the enemy a ball licking to keep their career on ticking.

And if he thinks he can go all Tony Soprano on me and mine, fuggedaboudit. I've got enough dirty lingerie on this hairy ass to have him busted down to buck naked private -- enjoy the cold showers and forced hard marches at boot camp, bigus dickus.

God bless the New Whup-ass Government of Canada.

Manley yes, but I like it too

The Report of the Independent Panel on Canada’s Future Role in Afghanistan is a triumph. It is a Triumph of the Will of the New Government of Canada.

But more importantly, it is a Triumph of the Spirit of Canadian Bi-partisanship - a Liberal and Conservatives coming together to defeat a common enemy in time of war. Not the Taliban but another fanatical cult that is a greater threat to the Canadian military -- the pacifist cabal of Liberal leader Quasimodo, Bloc Cheesehead and the Moustache that Roared. When will these fanatics wake up to the fact that sometimes you just have to kill poor people to help them, it's the only humane thing to do.

The Manley Report, or Manly Report as I prefer, has 30 action-packed pages that read like a Hollywood movie treatment. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and then you'll realize it's a remake of Wag the Dog meets the Green Berets starring Stalone as the Manly lead.

And in the best blockbuster tradition, a sequel is built right into the plot-- see recommendation 1a: "Early appointment of a high-level civilian representative of the UN Secretary-General to ensure greater coherence in the civilian and military effort in Afghanistan." Don't fret GI Johnny, we've already forwarded your impressive resume with a glowing cover letter to Ban Ki-moon.

But we are going to really seriously study all the report's really serious recommendations: indefinite military mission, more troops, more military helicopters, more spy drones, more Canadian Forces coordination of CIDA development projects, more effective PR to promote the mission to Canadians, more control of the mission by the PM. Okay, we don't need to study them too hard because we wrote them.

Some terrorist-huggers and pacifistopaths are trying to make a big deal of how GI Johnny plagiarized his Chair's Forward to the report from an article he wrote in Policy Options last October. How absurd, how irrelevant can you get. Even closet wikipedophiles should know that the definition of plagiarism is stealing someone ELSE's work -- it is impossible to plagiarize yourself.

Secondly, these mind-numbing morons obviously have no idea how democratic governments work. The whole point of an "Independent Panel" on policy options is to produce a report with predetermined conclusions. What better way than to have an pre-existing article from the Panel Chair that serves an introduction to the required report.

GI Johhny provided the intro, we provided the recommendations and the Panel had the hard job of jetting around the world on their expense accounts to provide the comic relief in the middle part. Don't be too hard on them, after all they are Mulroney yes-people and they had to produce a report over the Christmas holidays while spending time with their families.

One of my favorite jokes in the report is how Canadian Forces should threaten to abandon Kandahar if our allies don't come up with a thousand more troops under our command to ensure victory in South Vietnamistan. Call it the Made-in-Canada Mini-Surge. George loses more than a thousand US soldiers if he coughs too hard, so I'm sure he and Gates can find plenty of volunteers from Falujah and the Triangle of Death to come and show the aw-shucks canucks how to run a real counter-insurgency, without the white gloves. Then there's always my Plan B for Blackwater.

And what is it with GI Johnny's eyes? It can't just be contacts -- brainwashed POW, robot, sleeper cellmate, alien or zombie-- only his hairdresser knows for sure.

God bless the indefinitely extended mission of the New Government of Canada.

I Hate the Corruption of Capitalist Christmas

There's something rotten about Christmas and I'm not talking about the interminable tree-lighting ceremonies, seasonal egg-nog hob-nobbing, abominably animated TV snowmen, secret santa stranger gifting or enforced pretending to have goodwill toward all men, no matter how brain-dead -- although those would be bad enough.

Sandra has pointed out to me that as painful as these seasonal personal appearances can be, they serve the higher purpose of helping me to seem like a down-to-earth, folksy, regular guy in preparation for the next election.

But at this time of year I'm constantly pissed that Christmas has been distorted and deformed from it's original meaning as celebration of mankind's salvation through the Virgin birth and sacrifice of God's only son -- a divine product which has succeeded spectacularly in the free market of faith and commerce.

Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with commercialism. I'm not one of those homespun hand-wringers who denounces Christmas consumerism, bemoans the demise of crafty-wafty handmade toys and then bombards the kids with a boatload of garish chinese plastic crap.

I enjoy the sight of conspicuous consumption in the stores, the sound of cash registers ring-a-ling-ing, the heartwarming aroma of overheated lights, fake snow and plastic trees in the mall -- all the happy tidings of seasonal profits. Christmas and capitalism go together perfectly like ham and cheese -- or like Christianity and capitalism. But unfortunately the joy of Christmas capitalism is just a veneer that hides a dark secret, a diseased heart.

What I hate is that fat evil man in the red underwear, the crypto-communist double-agent who has insinuated himself into the center of Christmas -- Socialist Santa. I know Santa is only a myth, but like most liberal myths he is a trojan horse with a rotten core that threatens to destroy society, and in this case Christmas, from within.

Think about it, Santa celebrates the classic socialist canard of equality of outcomes -- in his world all the nice children are entitled to the same net present value whether they are rich or poor. Socialist Santa makes no reference or allowance whatsoever for the child's material circumstances -- flying in the face of every law of economics. This undermines the very fabric of our socio-economic system which demands that the capitalist class deserve more privileges and rewards for the same effort.

Don't call me a Scrooge for exposing Santa at this time of year because Scrooge is even worse -- the Engels to Santa's Marx. Don't get me started on how Scrooge all but destroys his successful and efficient business model in the name of cheap sentimentality.

Similarly, Santa's insidious and sanctimonious naughty/nice paradigm has no basis in classical economics and can easily be manipulated into anti-capitalist propaganda. No doubt any young entrepreneur who harnesses the low-wage labour of his less-fortunate schoolmates to turn a tidy profit would be unfairly dumped into the Socialist Santa's undeserving 'naughty' category.

Nice guys finish last in business for a reason and we shouldn't be deluding our children with the fantasy that being nice by itself will gain them future material rewards. We should be teaching our future leaders about the sanctity of private property and free markets not filling their heads with the cottonwool of niceness.

An even more serious problem is Socialist Santa's Soft-on-crime attitude. My New Government of Canada is trying to make sure that youth offenders get more jail time so they can learn the difference between right and wrong because a coddled kid is a career criminal. But Soft-on-crime Santa's only punishment for young violent criminals is a lump of coal. Where's the justice and deterrence in that -- the juvenile delinquent will probably lob it through a school window and get sucked ever deeper into a cycle of crime and vandalism.

On the production side, Socialist Santa is virulently protectionist and anti-globalization. He uses one inefficient local factory to service his entire market. No global supply chain, no economies of scale, no rationalization of manufacture to free trade zones, no product assembly in minimal wage jurisdictions, no worker monitoring or wastage surveillance, no just-in-time inventory control.

His workshop must be run as some sort of socialist cooperative or communist collective because there is no management chain-of-command. The worker/inmates running the asylum are happy and jolly and obviously overpaid.

The pernicious message we are sending our children is that a fat old fart is able to run a successful global enterprise by breaking all the cherished laws of business and economics. Christmas should be a time of family values and capitalist celebration, not hijacked for partisan anti-free market propaganda.

It is no coincidence that most experts locate Socialist Santa's headquarters within the borders of Canada. Under 60 years of almost uninterrupted Liberal rule, this country has a sad history of being a second-rate socialist regime. This once-proud country had become a tawdry haven for communist dictators, socialist engineering experiments, anti-capitalist terrorists, and anti-American propagandists.

But my New Government of Canada will use all our resources to protect our true capitalist north. Our patrol planes and ships will root out all socialist threats, whether they be Soviet-style red armies or Socialist Santas.

Merry Capitalist Christmas from my New Year's Government of Canada.

Canada Grabs Gold at Bali!

In yo face Quasimodo! The Liberal unleader is quaking in his pointy frogophone boots because the results are in and Canada's Conservatives have cleaned-up big time at the Bali Climate Change competition. Canada tied for first in the Climate Action Network's final fossil medal count with the US, despite having only 1/10th the population of our southern kissin' cousins.

And Canada really deserved to take the whole cake because we had four first place Golden Dinosaur awards, more than any of the other 180 countries participating at Bali. Of course those of us who hail from Alberta are not surprised at Canada's proud showing because dinosaurs are in our blood -- both our oil and tourist industries are fueled by fossils.

Canada has held its head high again on the international stage in Bali and I've given those liberal losers a bloody nose. Sure some frogophone carpers and crapules have tried to belittle our stellar performance at Bali but I know Bairdy did a heckova job.

First and foremost he managed to keep the main Bali agreement text from degenerating into a cacophony of meaningless he said 25%, she said 40% targets. By tying Bali to specific numbers today we would be prejudging the negotiations of tomorrow with the statistics of yesterday. Now we have another two years to hammer the final accord into proper shape and incorporate the important advances in climate change science sponsored by the good corporate citizens in the petroleum industry.

Now admittedly some inconvenient targets did get slipped into the Kyoto group side agreement at the last minute but all is not lost. Most importantly, George doesn't care because the US is not part of Kyoto so the side agreement doesn't bind them to anything. But the kicker is that because we've declared Kyoto legally dead in Canada with Quasimodo's acquiescence (and because Bairdy had his fingers crossed behind his back) these tyrannical targets don't apply to Canada either. Game, set and match, Quasimodo!

I called Bairdy to thank him for all his hard work in Bali and was amazed that he'd been able to achieve all this success without even showing up at some of the key sessions. This guy is one lean mean negotiatin' machine and a wild party animal to boot.

Watch out world, Canada's on a roll -- and we're peaking just in time for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Let's all pray for snow and hope that they don't get canceled because of warm weather.

God bless the world beating New Government of Canada.

Commies need not apply

Some no-it-all nitwits and economic neanderthals are criticizing Jimbo's recent speech about foreign investment in Canada. They ludicrously claim that we are discouraging foreign investment or that we are "hollowing out" the Canadian economy.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the "For Sale" sign is emphatically and permanently up in Canada. We welcome and will do all we can to encourage foreign investment that strengthens Canada's family values and business fundamentalism such as the Coors takeover of Molson. On the other hand we need to ensure that our economy does not fall prey to a backdoor communism.

Canadian governments, including my own, have steadfastly and sometimes heroically moved to privatize assets and services over the last two decades, bringing the shining light of free enterprise to some dark and dank corners of our economy. The last thing we all want is for this beautiful and natural process to be undermined by communistic government-owned institutions from other less desirable parts of the world.

Such reverse-privatization would hurt ordinary tax-paying Canadians and make us all less free to embrace the capitalist brand of our choice.

To ensure that our economy continues to advance toward miltonian market freedom as God intended, My New Government of Canada is developing a National Privatization Strategy. In the new world of globalization and competition, Canada's piecemeal and haphazard privatization of yesteryear is no longer good enough.

Top notch corporate outsourcing services are not interested in a clinic here or a prison there anymore. We need a National Privatization Strategy to get all three levels of government cooperating to create multi-jurisdictional package deals. The potential economies of scale will make world class outsourcers like Sodehxo and Maximus sit up and take notice of Canada.

Canada has the raw materials to become a world leader in privatization. In fact, we have an embarrassing wealth of bureaucratic, inefficient, anachronistic government-purveyed services just crying out for the discipline of the market and the precision of the profit motive.

Healthcare is the most obvious example - Canada's anti-capitalist system has a sclerotic over-publicized Stalinist structure that's top-heavy with self-perpetuating paper shufflers and nest-feathering union functionaries who sabotage reform and change out of sheer inertia.

Canadian so-called medicare is a veritable herd of white elephants wandering aimlessly and stampeding everything in its path. The only way to restore a sustainable, natural balance is to cull the herd with the capitalist scalpel of the profit motive.

My government of Canada is ready to do it's part by outsourcing federal services from agriculture to zoology. But we have an even more important role to play in creating the National Privatization Strategy. That will enable cities across the country to cooperate in outsourcing their garbage or library services, provincial governments would be able to work together to negotiate the best deal for nationwide private health care delivery, federal and provincial jurisdictions could collaborate to rationalize and privatize prison services in concert.

We can all dare to dream of a day when bureaucrats and commissars are banned in public the way smoking is now. The government of Canada would consist solely of Parliament and the PMO - all services would be streamlined and contracted to cost effective, highly motivated, and professional corporate delivery providers.

God bless the New Privatized Government of Canada.

A clear and present crisis

I know this may shock some of you, but I now believe that climate change is a serious existential crisis. It threatens our very existence not next century or next decade but today and next year. Defeating this global threat or at least mitigating the damage will require a sustained and substantial effort on our part.

Don't get me wrong, I still think the immoral eco-terrorist emotional blackmail campaigns are dangerous and manipulative. But the undeniable fact is that there is a lot more at stake in this crisis than some cuddly polar bears or unpronounceable island pseudo-nations.

That's the reason Big Baird is going to Bali this week -- to fight the good fight for maintaining our conservative principles while tackling this menace -- well, that and to check out the white sand beaches, hot nightclubs and wild hippy chicks which he says are worth the trip anyway.

My New Government of Canada has a solemn duty, not only to protect our own jurisdiction but to prevent this scourge from engulfing the planet. The hellish flames of global warming have already scorched our cousins in Australia. I'm not talking about the drought-fed brush fires but the doubt-fed defeat of the honorable John Howard who had only recently invited us to to address his parliament.

The warning signs are clear and unmistakable, the human cause is known and irrefutable, and our response must be strong and indefatigable. If left unchecked, not only does this global menace put our future majority in mortal danger but it threatens the very existence of my New Government of Canada.

So all of you who, like me, were prudently skeptical that global warming was a threat to our way of life, I urge you now to reconsider. The science is in, and the polls show that this issue could lead to our defeat in the next election. For my New Conservative government of Canada, it is not hyperbole or alarmism to call it a dangerous existential threat.

There can be no doubt that, as I have always maintained, Kyoto is part of the problem not part of the solution. Despite all our efforts to undermine and discredit the Kyoto Mistake and our success of making Quasimodo an accomplice in the death of the accord with our Throne Speech, the Canadian public still supports it. In the face of our incessant repetition of talking points, they unfortunately don't realize that Kyoto would destroy their economy, slash their standard of living, raise their taxes, threaten their lifestyles and poison their puppies.

Fortunately, a brighter day is around the corner and we have a chance to shape the post-Kyoto future into a sunnier place in Bali this week. Our proposals have been compelling and reasonable so what right-thinking person could reject them?

My New Government has been very clear that any new climate change agreement must include all the big polluters and have bindingly aspirational greenhouse gas reduction targets. That is why we will pushing for any international treaty to require ratification not only by the 180 countries represented in Bali but also by their largest corporate polluters.

It is obvious that no international protocol could be effective without the participation of the big corporate greenhouse polluters, so the sooner we bring them into the process the better. I firmly believe that the exclusion of corporate input from Kyoto lead to its downfall and irrelevance.

In Canada, any post-Kyoto (love that phrase) accord would need to be ratified by such national icons as Suncor, Syncrude, Transalta, Inco, Alberta Power, Imperial Oil, Alcan, Stelco, Petro-Canada, Barrick, GM-Canada - or whoever their current parent companies may be. The power of the free market would then ensure that any national mandatorily aspirational emission targets were reasonable, achievable and credible.

God bless the New Corporate Government of Canada.

Promoting peace on the world stage

I've escaped the hellhole of Uganda where I single-handedly battled to stop a ragtag club of ex-colonials and tinpot dictators from screwing my pooch on Climate Change. As I was doing my little bit there to make the world safe for tarsands, I couldn't stop thinking of that shining place where world peace could break out this week -- Annapolis.

I'd much rather be on the real world stage -- with George and Condi -- instead of the motley collection of bemedalled buffoons pumping hot air in Kampala. So I was pondering what the New Government to Canada can do to help promote peace in the Middle East and I've come up with a brilliant plan...

I will give an honorary Canadian citizenship to that prince of peace in the middle east, former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. After all, few have done more to the cause of peace than Sharon, the mentor of current Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

I personally know that Arik is a man of peace even though I never met him because George has told me himself many times. General and then Prime Minister Sharon was a peacemaker for many reasons and many seasons...

Sharon became the patron saint of Israeli settlers when he doubled the number of illegal settlements in the West Bank and Gaza strip in the 1970s. This settler of peace said "Everybody has to move, run and grab as many (West Bank) hilltops as they can to enlarge the (Jewish) settlements because everything we take now will stay ours... Everything we don't grab will go to them."

Arik was a wall-builder of peace as prime minister in 2002 when he started the building of a 650 km long wall, 80% of which lies within the Palestinian West Bank. The wall slices Palestinians from their fields, schools and hospitals and dices their territory to fulfill Sharon's peaceable promise of turning Palestine into a "pastrami sandwich."

Sharon was also a bulldozer toward peace whose army flattened an entire neighborhood of more than 100 Palestinian houses in the Jenin refugee camp into a rubble pile the size of 16 football fields during 2002's "Operation Defensive Shield." What could be more peaceful than empty football fields?

Arik believed so passionate in peace that he was willing to commit massacres to advance its cause. He was personally responsible for the massacre of 69 Palestinian civilians in the West Bank town of Qibya in 1953 and for the 1982 massacre of more than 1000 Palestinian civilians in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps of Lebanon. What selfless man of peace could do more?

Of course some of the hardcore anti-semites and uber-peace-mongers in the opposition ranks will object to giving Sharon an honorary Canadian citizenship based on the fact that some obscure Belgian court once indicted him for war crimes. But that is a non-starter because George twisted a few arms to have Belgian laws changed and the charges were dropped. And what the hell does Belgium know about peace anyway.

But this motion will split all three pseudo-peace-freak opposition parties into warring factions. If they oppose Sharon's citizenship, they will royally piss off their pro-Israel supporters and if they support the government their pacifist-maniac supporters will stay home, either way they lose.

My pal Gerry Schwartz of AIPAC-North says it's a sure fire plan to pry some of those big urban seats from the cold dead hand of Quasimodo and the Moustache that Roared.

One of our big problems in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver is that the Jewish vote is even more liberal than the rest of the ethnic vote. But this motion will amputate the other parties from their urban supporters and pave the way to a New Majority Government.

The Su Ang Ki gambit was only the first step in a long term majaority strategy of promoting peace on the world stage. After Ariel Sharon my government will also be proposing honorary citizenship for President Pinochet for smiting the socialists and making Chile safe for Miltonian market economics, President Suharto for crushing the commies to unite Indonesia and East Timor in personal prosperity, as well as the Shah for his heroic efforts to keep Iran out of the murderous grip of the evil mullahs.

God bless the true peacemakers in the New Government of Canada.

The kids are alright

The UN commissars are totally out of control -- now they are trying to tell us how to raise our own children! These petty socialist bureaucrats waste all their time criticizing people and governments who live in the real world because they don't measure up to some ivory-tower crypto-communist fantasy of how the world should be if only they ran it.

Get a clue you morally bankrupt morons, if you ran the world we'd all be working in soviet-style collectivist work camps, with mandatory Maoist morning calisthenics and enforced singing of praises to our glorious Stalinist dictator. And we'd be huddling in canvas yurts and eating gruel because your collectivist central planning would have destroyed the economy and set our standard of living back 500 years.

But these pathetic global apparatchiks are more than happy to gorge themselves on truffles, champagne and foie gras at UN cocktail parties with one side of their mouth while out of the other side they denigrate and disparage the very free market capitalism whose surplus bounty fills their golden troughs.

Worst of all, these arrogant leeches, whose knowledge of economics wouldn't fill a small piss pot, have the gall and temerity to issue reports condemning my New Government for failing to protect Canada's most precious resource, our children.

Normally I wouldn't even bat an eye at such bureaucratic buffoonery because it's just par for the course at the UN and its freedom-hating anti-American cabals such as Unicef. But dumping their reeking rubbish report right on the heels my New Government's most important and most cherished child-protection initiative -- our youth criminalization bill -- is too cynical even for them.

Not only do these fat-cat paper shufflers criticize Canada's rates of child poverty, child mortality, child care and incarceration -- they actually have the audacity to claim that the solution is more bureaucrats and red tape regulations to control our priceless children.

My New Government's first and most solemn duty is to protect Canadian children from forced social engineering experiments conducted by busybody bureaucrats -- whether they be UN mandarins or Canadian civil service functionaries. These proxy Dr Frankensteins and Baron Munchausens want to tear our children from the bosom of their family and dump them into the gulags of collectivist daycare or state-run schools so they will be molded into good party members.

I, however, believe that parents know what is best for their children, not bean counters. That's why we make every policy effort to keep the kids at home with mom instead of shunted off to anachronistic state institutions.

And if overworked parents can't control the little hellion, our child crime plan will be there as a safety net. By making juvenile delinquents and youth criminals face up to their responsibility in society, they learn important life lessons about the real world. Coddling them and excusing their vile actions on account of age, whether it be graffitti or murder, only sets them up to fail. Processing the rowdy young troublemakers through the adult justice system will be an eye-opener that changes their whole perspective on adult hoods and their future of incarceration.

Let's face facts, artificially dredging children out of poverty with government handouts is not only a waste of honest tax payers money but it creates a culture of expectation and entitlement that predisposes the little tykes to tantrums of criminal behavior whenever things don't go their way. We are actually doing them a favor by leaving them in their natural state of poverty -- they get properly prepared for the low wage mcjobs and diminished horizons that will define their adult life.

God bless our New Government's dedication to Canadian children.

Let's we forget

This past Rememberance Day weekend was supposed to be a golden age of glorious photo-ops -- me looking sage and Prime Ministerial with venerable veterans and saluting soldiers. And since I'm solemnly doing my official duty no media or opposition grinches would dare sneer that I'm being partisan or political or puffed-up.

But instead of a beautiful dream team parade to downtown Majorityville it was a non-stop nightmare hellish death spiral I can't forget. I didn't even get to enjoy pmo night at TGIFs because I had to do the freaking press conference at 4:30 announcing a probe into the dirty laundry of the Advisor formerly known as PM.

Fortunately I only gave the stupid hacks 15 minutes notice so most of the news knuckledraggers were already completely hammered or counting the minutes until they could get home to their porn videos. They were totally dumbstruck and out maneuvered by our gambit. Sandra said we could comtrol the news agenda and keep the Sunday photo-ops on track with a pre-emptive strike -- like invading Iraq. Unfortunately the analogy was a little too apt and after the moment of shock and awe things continued to unravel.

I blame the Irish dickhead -- I mean what kind of shit-for-brains arrogant prick takes 300 Gs of cash in brown paper bags from a failed arms dealer and world class liar like Kraut Shyster? That may sound like a lot of spinach lasagna but why put your head in a noose and stand on a tippy chair for such chump change? The right honorable wanker could have easily pulled 10 times that from any number of corporate gigs that only required him to warm a chair and do a convincing job of drinking coffee without spilling any.

And when some fleabitten reporter or a Ritalin-addled cop come sniffing around, he pulls out the legal equivalent of a thermonuclear device in order to flatten a couple of buzzing flies that everyone knows feed on shit anyway. His over-the-top shrill denials and oh so wounded demeanor just telegraph to anyone with two brain cells to rub together that he's guilty as Karla Homolka. I only have myself to blame for jumping into bed with the old drag queen but I desperately needed his pandora key to the frogophone chastity belt.

I knew that the commie ragtag Globe was going to crucify the Irish chinwagger but I didn't think they were going to engulf me in the flames of those 7 month old letters from the Kraut which I swear I never saw.

I blame the lackeys -- you just can't get good ones now days, even in Ottawa which used to be the sycophant capital of the universe. I guess the politically correct term is civil servant -- although frig knows why. They don't say "yes massuh," they can't shine shoes worth shit and they can't tap dance -- hell they have no rhythm at all. And none of them are even civil -- silently sullen to haughtily hostile to rightout rude is the usual range.

I hate to sound like a broken record but it's the Liberals fault. Cretin and Martian slashed the lackey rolls by 40% back in the mid-90s causing morale and recruitment to plummet. All the top lackeys headed for greener pastures leaving us with the dregs of the dross.

You'd think any semi-literate highschool dropout would have a lightbulb go on upstairs when they see a ticking letterbomb addressed to the Prime Minister alleging bribery and malfeasance by one of his party's previous PMs -- "hey maybe I should bring this to someone's attention" would sprint to mind. But apparently not. Today's gormless lackey just files it under 'W' for Whatever and goes on their merry bungling bureaucratic way.

So I'm left holding the flaming bag of dog shit and I have to figure out how to put out the fire without soiling my clothes. Why should the sins of the buffonish father-figures and freakish fatherlanders be visited on their far superior progeny? A bloody eminence gris should behave like an elder statesmen not a cash-crazed clown cavorting with greased pigs and wallowing knee-deep in swinish sleaze. If I had my way they'd have both been pushing up poppies last weekend instead of wearing them.

God bless the newly and unfairly tainted government of Canada.

The issue that would not die

This so-called controversy was settled days ago but the media morons keep bringing it back from the dead like so many Romero zombies.

Why would I write a letter asking for clemency for some dumbfuck hick from Alberta who went on a drug-fueled rampage in Montana and killed two young native Americans "for the thrill" or to find out "what it was like to kill." This monster is a prime candidate for a Darwinian final unselection.

Smith did the stupid violent crime so he deserves the end of his brutal subpar line. Where are the aboriginal leaders protesting against special treatment being given to a white racist who killed two intelligent and hope-filled first nations youth whose only crime was to pick up a white hitch-hiker.

Some bleeding heart killer-huggers have ranted and raved that the US Supreme Court has suspended executions by lethal injection while it determines if they are safe and effective. Well I think there should be a permanent moratorium because lethal injection is a coward's way out.

How can some oaf drifting off to sleep provide closure for a family whose loved one has been brutally murdered and raped? They need and they deserve the dramatic moment of justice -- the jolt of the electricity coursing through the veins, the woosh of the trap door opening and the snap of the neck, the coup de grace of the firing squad. I personally would not want to see Capital Punishment return to Canada without the appropriate drama and dignity of such solemn ritual.

Encountering these defining moments between life and death reminds us that we too are mortal. For the betterment of society and especially our young people these extreme unctions should once again become public events - they are powerful morality plays which not only deter crime but make us more complete human beings. And lets no forget they make great TV -- I believe that a national public network such the CBC would have a patriotic duty to broadcast them, certainly no less than the Olympics.

OK, I will write a letter to the Montana governor - asking that this Canadian citizen should be spared from suffering the indignity of lethal injection -- let his passing be celebrated by the praxis of old sparky or hang him high. I will also thank the governor for expunging this embarrassing Canadian scum from the earth since we are unable to clean up our own garbage at present.

God bless the Once and Future Hanging Government of Canada.