Fetching Rover for the big game

Some of the faithful are getting restless and questioning my bold strategy - woe betide them. These smarty-pants, self-declared pundits worry that I might provoke a fall election by proroguing Parliament and putting a new throne speech to a vote. These wimps think we should hang on to minority government power as long as possible by not giving any excuse for the opposition to force an election.

Hello, you scaredy-cats, who won the byelection and almost stole a second seat from Bloc Cheezehead? Why should we be satisfied with milque-toast, minority half-power when we are clearly on the march to majority house-cleaning big time, you whiny bed-wetters? The opposition wants a piece of me this fall? I say bring 'em on!

And don't think we've been resting on our well-deserved byelection laurels. We've been burning up the phone lines and getting ready to go the mattresses. The only thing missing is a campaign capo to lead the cannon fodder into battle. Tom is a great friend of mine and a trusted adviser but now that the majority brass ring is within our grasp we need to step it up to a different level.

That's why Tom, Ken and I have been working hard to get Rover up to Ottawa in time for the fall election. After all it's been three weeks since Karl's last day in Washington, so I think he has probably spent more than enough time with his family. God knows Karl must already be getting itchy about retirement if he spends his free time singing and dancing.

That's the one good thing about the White House imploding and George taking gardening leave from his agenda, there's a glut of untapped conservative GOP talent that we might be able to lure into the northern league. Peter Pan is already in discussions with Gonzo about some legal work to help us stickhandle the raghead detainees around the Geneva Convention.

Of course the Canadian league is a tough sell when the 2008 game is heating up down south - but a lot of heavy hitters are realizing it may be better to sit out the next Superbowl. Rover is the ultimate key, if we can lure him up the neo-con dream team will follow. Ken even offered Karl a cushy side gig at Hill and Knowlton where he could bat for one of his favorite teams - big pharma.

So keep the faith and dare to dream about majority power and all it entails - missile defense, ending gay marriage, and all the social programs you can kill.

God bless the New Government of Canada.

Outremont Outrage!

I think Liberal leader Quasimodo might have managed the impossible - he's made me feel sorry for him. How can he and his advisors be so inept that they could lose Outremont which has voted Liberal for 70 years.

I was actually rooting for him on Monday because if there's one thing I hate more than a smug, pointy-headed, frogophone politician who massacres the English language, squeeks like a girl and is wishy washy to the bone -- it's ANY socialist politician. When the Devilspawn leftoid NDPeeps won Outremont after all I've done for Quebec, I lost my fucking lunch, pardon my French.

This riding is full of wealthy, well-educated people who make out like bandits from my tax cuts (and the ones I forced on Paul Martin), I've one-upped the distinct society by calling the Quebecois a Nation (of losers). And yet they are still flirting with the foaming-at-the-mouth socialists - it's an outrage! The Moustache that Roared will be prancing around Ottawa in leather pants like one of the Village People, proclaiming a breakthrough and that the red army is on the march.

I just don't get frogophones - the politicians and voters will cut off their big gaulish noses despite their faces that pinch like a sphincter when they talk. They think they're so bloody superior and to prove they're more European than Anglo-Saxon they'll create a huge white-elephant welfare state they don't even want - like their collectivist nanny-state daycare.

I don't mind Quebec separatists, after all they inspired my call defacto Alberta separation if we can't get rid of the Canada Health Act and Canada Pension Plan on the national level. What really gets my goat is that so many of PQ-nises are card-carrying commie-freaks in separatist clothing like Leveque and Parizeau. What douche-bags would want to leave Canada to become a province of the Soviet Union or Cuba for freaks sake?

I do hate the whiners and snivelers who blame everything on English or Ottawa and hold the country for ransom. All my political life I fought the Chamberlainesque appeasers like Brian, and even Preston, who caved in to the extortion. Then Mulroney convinced me that the only road to 24 Sussex goes through Quebec. So I had to hold my nose and become an appeaser myself but I feel kind of dirty - like I need to shower off some Batiste parade pigeon shit.

Working with Jean and then Mario, I've finally managed to pry the frogophones from the cold dead hand of the crypto-communist PQ on the provincial level, but now they're jumping into bed with the socialists federally. Since the Outremounters were so ungrateful and stupid that they voted totalitarian-left on Monday, all bets are off. I will have to put some of that old Reform stick about and teach them a lesson in hardball politics.

Fealty towers

I had my Basil Fawlty moment this week when I went to Victoriaville. I was ready to do another barn-burning speech about Canada being back on the world stage because of its military victories in Afghanistan. But then the Vandoos were hit with a roadside bomb and the opposition smelled blood so Sandra said "don't mention the war." I replied, "Que?" but she she didn't get the joke.

Now Bloc Cheezehead and Liberal Quasimodo trying to tag team me in a desperate attempt to make the war relevant to the Quebec byelections. They clamoring for an "emergency" debate in Parliament about a decision that is more than a year off. These are two of the dimmest bulbs in parliament - don't ask me how they got to be "leaders."

Flanagan calls them the double dildo - they screw the country from both the federalist and separatist sides at once. I think Cheezehead - I mean tête-fromaj - takes the cake. Even his provincial party don't want him - he'd rather sit here in Ottawa carping and complaining, knowing he'll never have any real power but drawing a juicy salary and a fat pension from the country he loves to hate.

Their attempt to drag the dead soldiers into the byelections is pathetic grandstanding and soon the Mustache the Roared will be sticking his bald head into the breach as well. Even more pathetic is that their "Quebec lives are worth more" gambit will probably work.

The sad truth is that frogophones always stick together, especially when there's a chance of blackmailing the rest of the country. That's why I had to create the Reform Party for frigs sake.

Yes it's tragic that two Quebecois soldiers were killed but Albertans don't whine and turn tail when dozens of their province-mates gave the utlimate sacrifice - they just grit their teeth and put "Support Our Troops" ribbons on their SUVs.

After all, that's what soldiers are paid for - to die for the glory of their country, their emperor, or their commander-in-chief. To make their leader a player on the world stage. The opposition want the Quebec soldiers to get out of combat and start giving candy to kids and helping veiled old ladies cross the street. Where's the guts and the glory in that? Humanitarian mission = who cares. If you force our combat-hardened troops to become namby-pamby peacekeepers again they'll become demoralized, morale will plummet and the Canadian military will end up in the toilet.