Between a rock and a hard place

I've tried to avoid the subject of undercover police at Montebello. But after seeing the way they have been dragged through the mud by the pathological anti-prosperity protest-freaks and pistol-whipped by the media, I can't keep silent any longer.

These everyday heroes were just doing their dangerous and important job - infiltrating criminal and violent organizations to prevent serious malfeasance - such as willfully damaging property and assaulting police officers with rocks. The gangs and riff-raff that call themselves protesters should be glad these brave men were there to prevent violence and preserve the peace.

The undercover officers also increased the size of their pathetic protests. In addition to the Sûreté du Québec, the RCMP tactical squad was undercover as a training exercise, undercover Vancouver Police officers and Blackwater contractors were there to practice roles for 2010 security, the US Secret Service and Minneapolis police went undercover to dry run for the 2008 GOP convention, Mexico had their undercover Federales there for crowd control training, and Chinese national undercover officers were also at Montebello to explore tactics for dealing with foreign protesters at the 2008 Olympics. All the undercover training was coordinated by Shin Bet which is the world leader in violent crowd control.

The so-called "union leaders" were police assets as well - participating in an insitu roleplay of how to handle the exposure of undercover officers participating in a demonstration. In fact, if you subtract all the undercover security, there were probably only twelve actual demonstrators. I know because in addition to being the summit host I was overseeing all conference security from our new $100 million portable hot room. The assets from all the various agencies were identified on the big situation board along with protester movements.

The Summit was about international security partnerships so the anarcho-freaks had to expect that we would practice what we were preaching. As usual the lazy crypto-socialist media got it all wrong - berating the undercover police for being amateurish and incompetent when in fact everything went perfectly according to plan.

Follow the beans

The media are an ass - aka idiot - they give me hives. I try to quarantine them, I try to re-educate them, I try to limit their influence on my new government of Canada but they always sink to new depths.

For example, at the closing of the Montebello summit I was trying to talk about economic rationalism using an everyday example anyone could relate to: jellybeans. But the sniveling socialist news hacks ridiculed and debased my comment with snarky headlines and dumber-than-dumbing-down articles.

Their derisive treatment of my jellybean treatise obscured the important point I was trying to make. Economics teaches us that jellybeans, lumber, pharmaceuticals, oil, water, nuclear power, and health care services are all the same - products that are most efficiently provided by the private sector and should be freely traded between countries without artificial barriers to competition, such as government red tape and heavy-handed regulation.

The moral is that we should all become rational economic actors who seek the lowest price that is always provided by free, unfettered markets.

Right now Canada is like an elitist Boutique with only a few trendy flavors of jellybeans. The snooty sales staff tell you what kinds of jellybeans are good for you and won't let you try any others. The jellybeans are horrendously overpriced because of the low turnover and the social program overhead of the fancy displays, fat-cat union salaries, subsidized artisan jellybean makers, and excessive bureaucracy.

But right across the street is the giant Bean-Mart which sells virtually indistinguishable jellybeans for a fraction of the cost. They have a huge selection of every imaginable color that you can freely choose from with friendly assistance. They keep their prices low with high volume sales, globalized manufacturing, efficient distribution and cheerful but not overpaid staff.

Where would you want to buy your jellybeans? Of course.

But the corrupt government cronies of Beantique have built an artificial barrier in the middle of the road and will only let you shop at Bean-Mart once a month after filling out a lot of forms. Even worse, their bureaucrats have created convoluted and absurd regulations about the required size, shape and sheen of legal jellybeans on their side of the road so Bean-Mart can't sell its perfectly good product there.

That's what the summit was about. But don't expect to read that in Canada's commie-freak-loving media.

After dinner entertainment at Montebello

Felipe, George and I finished off our "working dinner" with $250 cigars (Cuban of course, George never misses a chance to "legally" sample the good ones) and $500 glasses of congac that Nicolas kindly had sent over. But the night was young and we wanted a little fun after the wives left us to get down to business. Fortunately, the Secret Service and RCMP had set up video monitors in the hotel so we could watch the protests if we want.

We want. What could be better entertainment that watching heavily armed riot police beating-up, pepper-spraying and arresting pro-terrorist-freaks, eco-freaks and anti-prosperity-freaks who are behaving like congenital idiots. We laughed our asses off seeing them penned in like cattle while believing they were changing the world.

And there was the bonus feature of Protest Girls Gone Wild. George had a thing for the super-butch protest-chicks with lots of tattoos and black leather jackets. Maybe they remind him of his wild and crazy time in the Air Guard when tequila was the only higher power in his life and he spend most nights passed out in tough Mexican border towns.

After a few brandys, I was hot for the hippy-dippy types with tie-died outfits and no bras. They're like the girls who completely dissed me in high school because I was a straight-laced nerd who wouldn't smoke weed. Oh, how they'd come crawling now that I'm the most powerful man in the country standing next to the most powerful man in the world.

Felipe was totally ogling the female cops. I guess he doesn't know they are all card-carrying lesbians - or maybe that's the attraction.

But seriously, do these anarcho-freaks really think they are going to affect government policy by prancing around the streets in clown outfits and gas masks? There's no big conspiracy, it's easy to get the ear of my government or any other one - just hire a lobbyist. It's not rocket science and it's not just for big evil capitalists.

Abramoff, one of the most powerful lobbyists in Washington was working for Indian bands for cripes sake. If a bunch of backward savages on reservations can figure out they need a top lobbyist surely the peace-freaks and eco-freaks can get it together. On second thought, after seeing how sad their protests were, they probably can't.

So George called last week

He's all hot and bothered and blurts out - I'm not comin' to that dang PPS meet'n'greet, Steve.

I ask him why, and he says - I freak you not - that his brain's gone and he can't come without his brain.

There's kind of a stunned but respectful silence on my side.

Rovey, you know, my big brain, is leaving - don't you follow the news up there Steve?

Oh Karl Rove, I say, but he's not leaving until the end of the month so he can come with you to the meeting next week, Sir.

No, no, says George - Rovey has way too much work to do before he leaves - in the shredded wheat department. Anyway, I still can't believe he's going. I mean Rummy, Wolfie, Bolty, Scooty, Harriet, Cardi, Ari, Kenny - they all left me high and dry, and Gonzy's on the ropes. Who's left - just Condi and big Dick. I can't just do this job all by myself, you know Steve.

So I say but Mr President we really need you in Quebec next week. The Security and Prosperity Partnership is everything we've always worked for and because it's National Security we don't have to put it to a vote or even say what's in it. We can't do it without you, I lied, trying to cheer him up.

And he's like, Quebec - that's where Ahmed Rassambo came from. You still got a passel of terrorists coming out of the woodwork up there don't you - like that Kotter kid in Gitmo. What if some sleeper cell gets me Steve - you'd feel bad then, huh?

I'm try to calm him down because he's getting a bit hysterical. No worries, Mr. President you'll be surrounded by hundreds of Seals and Green Berets who are up here on exchange programs or train and advise missions so they can wear Canadian Forces uniforms. And the protest-freaks will be miles away - you'll never even see them. Just ask the Vice President, we've been through all this.

He sighs. Well I guess I have to come Steve. But I was hoping to clear some really tough brush in Crawford next week. The ranch is going to h-e-double-hockey-sticks because I only can only get max two months holiday there a year since 9-11.