A clear and present crisis

I know this may shock some of you, but I now believe that climate change is a serious existential crisis. It threatens our very existence not next century or next decade but today and next year. Defeating this global threat or at least mitigating the damage will require a sustained and substantial effort on our part.

Don't get me wrong, I still think the immoral eco-terrorist emotional blackmail campaigns are dangerous and manipulative. But the undeniable fact is that there is a lot more at stake in this crisis than some cuddly polar bears or unpronounceable island pseudo-nations.

That's the reason Big Baird is going to Bali this week -- to fight the good fight for maintaining our conservative principles while tackling this menace -- well, that and to check out the white sand beaches, hot nightclubs and wild hippy chicks which he says are worth the trip anyway.

My New Government of Canada has a solemn duty, not only to protect our own jurisdiction but to prevent this scourge from engulfing the planet. The hellish flames of global warming have already scorched our cousins in Australia. I'm not talking about the drought-fed brush fires but the doubt-fed defeat of the honorable John Howard who had only recently invited us to to address his parliament.

The warning signs are clear and unmistakable, the human cause is known and irrefutable, and our response must be strong and indefatigable. If left unchecked, not only does this global menace put our future majority in mortal danger but it threatens the very existence of my New Government of Canada.

So all of you who, like me, were prudently skeptical that global warming was a threat to our way of life, I urge you now to reconsider. The science is in, and the polls show that this issue could lead to our defeat in the next election. For my New Conservative government of Canada, it is not hyperbole or alarmism to call it a dangerous existential threat.

There can be no doubt that, as I have always maintained, Kyoto is part of the problem not part of the solution. Despite all our efforts to undermine and discredit the Kyoto Mistake and our success of making Quasimodo an accomplice in the death of the accord with our Throne Speech, the Canadian public still supports it. In the face of our incessant repetition of talking points, they unfortunately don't realize that Kyoto would destroy their economy, slash their standard of living, raise their taxes, threaten their lifestyles and poison their puppies.

Fortunately, a brighter day is around the corner and we have a chance to shape the post-Kyoto future into a sunnier place in Bali this week. Our proposals have been compelling and reasonable so what right-thinking person could reject them?

My New Government has been very clear that any new climate change agreement must include all the big polluters and have bindingly aspirational greenhouse gas reduction targets. That is why we will pushing for any international treaty to require ratification not only by the 180 countries represented in Bali but also by their largest corporate polluters.

It is obvious that no international protocol could be effective without the participation of the big corporate greenhouse polluters, so the sooner we bring them into the process the better. I firmly believe that the exclusion of corporate input from Kyoto lead to its downfall and irrelevance.

In Canada, any post-Kyoto (love that phrase) accord would need to be ratified by such national icons as Suncor, Syncrude, Transalta, Inco, Alberta Power, Imperial Oil, Alcan, Stelco, Petro-Canada, Barrick, GM-Canada - or whoever their current parent companies may be. The power of the free market would then ensure that any national mandatorily aspirational emission targets were reasonable, achievable and credible.

God bless the New Corporate Government of Canada.

Mining the harbors for democracy

I have hardly slept a wink for three nights. Sandra, Tom, Mark and I have been too excited and busy laying the anti-liberal minefield that is the New Throne Speech to even think about sleep. We worked proudly and feverishly with a sense of destiny - believing that we were patriots changing history and creating a New Majority in this country.

There are the small anti-personnel mines like cuts to the GST that Cretin promised but never delivered, then there is the bunker-busting, ship-scuttling ordinance such as Kyoto is dead and we're staying in Afghanistan until 2011. If Quasimodo and his cronies votes for our New Throne Speech then not only will he have killed his own pet dog but we will have blown his credibility and his party into tiny unrecognizable pieces.

Our only spiritual guides for the New Throne Speech were the infallible Bible and a case of Tequila Ley Extra Anejo that George sent me. Mark, the adviser formerly known as Dion's, was crucial in constructing the booby traps and double blinds that will confound Quasimodo and his troops and strand them in a Vietnamesque quagmire. As we struggled through the long nights I often thought of other great freedom fighters in history such as Oliver North and the Contras who made terrible sacrifices for the cause of democracy.

I hesitate to compare my meager efforts to such heroism but I began to feel we were part of something bigger -- the global fight against tyranny and oppression. I dared to hope that our New Throne Speech could become a defining moment, a turning point, in the rising tide against despotism in our country - like the mining of the totalitarian Sandinistas' harbors by the brave Nicaraguan freedom fighters put that benighted country on the road to salvation.

For most of the last century Canada has been a virtual one-party state with more than 20 Liberal regimes punctuated by occasional Liberal-lite PC governments. Yes, Canada is nominally democratic but even the Sandinistas held sham elections to mask their dictatorship.

The Liberal tyrants have used their power and privilege to enslave the Canadian public with innumerable social engineering abominations, such as socialized medicine, old age pension dependency, students loan sharking, national welfare addiction, and collectivist childcare.

The Liberal juntas have often colluded and conspired with the totalitarian socialist hordes to oppress Canadians and yoke them to the unfree welfare state. This is similar to the Sandinistas' secret plotting and connivance with communist dictatorships in Cuba and Stalinist Soviet Union to threaten the peace and stability of the Americas.

I am proud to think that our New Throne Speech has thrown down the gauntlet to evil and equality everywhere while providing a roadmap to freedom and democracy here at home.

God Bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Who let the dorks out?

It's not bad enough that the two dildos - Liberal Quasimodo and Bloc Cheezehead - are gunning for me on Afghanistan and enviro-freaks are crawling up my ass about funding cuts to Migratory birds. What can I say, if birds choose to migrate out of Canada they are not my problem.

Now some so-called corporate leaders who are supposed to be on my team are shooting me in the back over Kyoto. Just who are these business bozos on the National Roundtable on the Environment and Economy that give our fantastic new climate change plan a failing grade on nine out of nine programs.

The dumb-ass eco-terrorist loving journalists may call them the "federal government's own environmental advisory body" but I can assure you they have nothing to do with my New Government of Canada. They're a bunch of Liberal chair-warmers and know-nothing busybodies who wouldn't recognize a sound economic policy if it gave them a lapdance.

We appointed Dave McLaughlin as President (or would that be Knight) of the Roundtable last month to avert this disaster and herd the howling cats in a different direction. Dave had been a good yes-man at Finance after doing some backroom ballbusting for Bernard in New Brunswick and heavy arm-twisting for big pharma at Veritas.

But the Roundtable was too much of a certified clown show for Dave to turn it around fast enough. The Liberal bootlickers were determined to pay back their political masters who had given them the cushy gig - so they piss all over our innovative voluntary plan for dealing with the grave public relations issue of global warming. So, Big Baird had to bury the report in a late Friday afternoon press release after all the media had dozed off in their chairs or headed out early for the bars.

I couldn't go anywhere near that dog turd report because I'm about to do another turn on the global stage extolling our Made in Canada approach to climate change (okay, so the label inside says Made in USA but at least it's not Made in China). I can almost taste the warmth and applause coming from the room full of CEOs and world statesmen.

The last thing I need is a bunch of trust-fund-endowed, neo-hippy "management consultants" spouting off that my gold-plated global warming plan uses double-accounting of reductions and other shady methods. Puhleaze -- this coming from an expense-account-padding, double-dipping dork whose only business background is that your father made a lot of money in shopping malls or used cars. I have a fucking Masters in Economics specializing in Fredrich Hyek. Never heard of him? He won the Nobel prize for Economics and inspired Maggie and Ron to fight for freedom from government program tyranny, you Mercedees-driving country-club-capitalist moron.

What really sickens me about the whole putrid affair is that that some of the Roundtable goons and Judases going after us are actually senior executives of serious companies like Suncor, Alcan and Abitibi! They should be kissing my feet and blessing us for all the tax cuts and privatization fire sales they we've had dropped in their laps. Who was it that got you behind the ring of steel and into the driver seat at Montebello?

Where are the responsible corporate boards and shareholder activists? They should be forcing their executives to toe the line and support the New Conservative Government of Canada no matter what. They don't have the excuse anymore that the Liberals are in power so they have to grease their wheels. And lay off the drug-induced notion that Martin was some kind of economic guru - he only cut spending and taxes because my Reform Party was holding a gun to his head.

I think it should be a firing offense for any CEO to publicly or privately support the crypto-socialist Liberal party that wants to raise taxes and to disembowel the economy on the altar of Kyoto.

And any corporate executive who is mentally-challenged enough to donate to or vote for the commie-terrorist-loving NDP should be punished by public flogging. There is no excuse for such crimes against the economy.

God bless the New Government of Canada.