Keeping our streets safe from junkies

I know you will be as angry and upset about this story as I was.

A 41-year old man in Missouri stuffed a 52 cent donut in his sweatshirt and pushed past a convenience store clerk who tried to stop him from leaving. The perpatrator has been charged with strong armed robbery using violence which carries a prison sentence of up to 15 years. Because of his lengthy criminal history he might get 30 years in prison.

I have always believed that the US stood for freedom and was a bastion of justice so I am shocked and saddened by this case. I thought I could sleep soundly knowing that south of the border junkies and criminals received fair judgements for their villainy but I was wrong.

This serial sleazeball has committed a string of violent donut-fueled crimes but he will be back on the streets to assault and rob more innocent citizens of their freedom and their sugar-coated pastries - which is a travesty of justice.

I appeal to the right thinking supporters of law and order in Missouri to rise up and demand that this monster be locked up for life. After all, what is the point of America's much admired "3 strikes and you're out" laws if they are ignored and not worth the parchment they are written on.

And don't think that the scourge of donut-freaks is limited to the US -- we should admit that glaze-eyed donut-junkies are a searious threat to peace and public order here in Canada. That is why my government will put millions of dollars into a new anti-donut enforcement policy. The party is over for the pastry-poppers, danish-fiends and cruellerheads that are making our streets a frosted living hell.

I also pledge that when our New Majority Government passes a Made in Canada "3 strikes" law that the integrity of such an important law will not not undermined by squeamish judges or morally ambiguous prosecutors.

God bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Capital punishment is harm reduction

I know some of you are disappointed by the anti-drug strategy we announced today in Winnipeg and especially the recent press-released six-month stay of execution for the Insane Injection Site - the government-run heroin shooting gallery in Vancouver.

But do not despair Reform faithful, this is only our Election Drug Strategy - we don't want to give the opposition a big stick they can use to scare off urban voters. At the same time Stock and I have been working hard on another plan - you could call it the New Majority Government of Canada Anti-Drug Strategy.

Call me cynical but I'm going to tell you straight - we need a majority to properly implement our principled agenda. Although we don't have a snowman's chance in la-la-land of winning a seat in loonie-left Vancouver, this issue could sabotage our big push for majority-making urban seats around Toronto and Montreal.

Before you accuse me of abandoning the moral high ground, let me give you a sneak peak at our evolving majority anti-drug plan. It is based on an improved four-pillar approach for dealing with drug fiends and pushers: Punishment, Incarceration, Intimidation and Excommunication.

The knee-jerk narco-freaks and the junkie-coddling medical bureaucracy will whine that we've abandoned harm reduction. But our entire strategy is harm reduction because what could possibly reduce the harm to our children and our property more than locking up the druggie criminals and keeping them off the streets.

I know what you are thinking - that execution is the only effective harm reduction measure for sicko drug dealers and the only safe injection site is a lethal injection room. We are studying execution as a fifth pillar through designating serious drug-dealing as terrorism and a capital crime - today's announcement or mandatory sentencing is just the first step down that road. We all know this approach has been very effective in countries such as Burma, China and even the US.

With the incarceration pillar falling into place, intimidation will become the focus of our anti-drug strategy. Intimidation is crucial for keeping our young people off drugs. We will get a morally benign ad agency to produce a powerful multi-media curriculum of narcotic horror stories that will put the fear of God into any punk who thinks illegal drugs are a joyride.

The youth intimidation campaign will also feature a made in Canada slogan - Just say NO to drugs or Just stay in JAIL! Anti-drug themed video games will stress that imprisoned biker gang members prefer youth drug offenders a sex slaves so don't get caught with a joint or you're biker bait in the joint.

This message will be reinforced by an innovative hi-tech youth intimidation-incarceration program called Bait the Spliff. Based on the successful Bait Car campaign we will be distributing bait joints in high profile locations like Queen Street poolhalls and Commercial Drive cafes.

These specially formulated doobies will include miniaturized GPS and video cameras as well as excreting indelible dyes to stain the fingers. The bait reefers will be electronically monitored by private security firms so as soon as the perp lights up, a broadcast-video-enabled SWAT team can be dispatched to shame and arrest the criminal - all on live television.

The wide-angle hidden cannabis-cam will record the dope fiend's horrified reaction to their arrest as well as documenting any criminal activity the scumbag uses to support his filthy habit. These videos will be invaluable for public intimidation campaigns in schools, nightly newscasts, and on You Tube.

The Excommunication pillar is where we treat drug addiction as a medical issue - helping addicts to escape their narcotic slavery. A new drug-free clause in the Canada Social Transfer will stipulate that no federal funds can be used for procuring illegal drugs. This means medical drug screening tests will become mandatory before people can receive drug-free welfare from provincial agencies.

The Excommunication pillar is best summed up by the recent Globe and Mail headline: Crack or Food - The Choice is Yours. Unless disadvantaged citizens make an effort to end their anti-social and destructive lifestyle, society should not enable and encourage their bad behavior. If you transgress so far outside the norms of society don't expect society to pick up the pieces - you will be excommunicated.

And I personally pledge to you that the day after we win a majority, not only will the criminal code exemption for Vancouver's government-subsidized crack house be yanked but we will send in Canadian Forces bulldozers to wipe that affront to moral decency off the map before it can cause any more harm to our community and our children.

God bless the New - soon to be Majority - Government of Canada.

Where does this Vancouver garbage come from?

I know I should be basking in the glory of my heart-warming speech a the high-level UN climate change conference in New York and the joy of joining the Awesome Polluters Partnership but some evil corporate clowns rained on my parade.

However another travesty has me tied up in knots right now -- some wacko-fringe commie-freak in Vancouver has written a God-forsaken article comparing my good friend Thomas D'Aquino to the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. How could such outrageous, blasphemous, slanderous, insane mutterings of a conspiracy theorist gone totally fucking bonkers get published? Only because it's Vancouver, land of the lunatic left fringe where I could only sneak in a Conservative MP by bald-faced bribery.

Hasn't Vancouver done enough already to destroy the reputation of this great country by being the birthplace of Greenpeace, terrorizing the US with their narco-freak BC Bud, and breeding criminal drug addicts by giving out free needles, free drugs and a government-subsidized shooting gallery? And instead of learning the lesson that coddling criminals creates more crime, they're whining and demanding more exemptions from the criminal code so they can give the pushers and crackheads an even freer ride.

Some people will say the pea-brained La-la-land pundit is only using ironic grandstanding to make a point and it's better to ignore him. I say he's our own little Ahmadinejad so let's clap him in leg shackles and see how he likes that irony. Its a free country but that does not include the freedom to spout hateful anti-capitalist propaganda.

Anyway, the point is that Thomas is a good Christian and a great Canadian who has done tireless service to this country for more than 20 years. To call him an Ayatollah is a grotesque and blasphemous slur. Tom is patriot and who loves Canada so much that he wants it to be part of the US. We're not losing a country, we're gaining a superpower, as he explained to me.

D'Aquino is righteously famous for his Sermon on the Montroyal which is credited with converting the apostate Mulroney to the one true religion of Miltonian Free Trade. Thomas has since become Canada's cherished Clergyman of Corporate Capitalism and an enthusiatic Rector of Economic Rationalisation but that doesn't give anyone the right to take his name in vain.

Thomas is a prophetic Preacher of Privatisation and the divine Deacon of Deindustrialisation so to compare him to the murderous mullahs of Tehran is an immoral crime against nature, akin to the other sinful sodomite lifestyle Vancouver is infamous for.

The beneficence that D'Aquino has bestowed on our country knows no bounds, he is the Dean of Downsizing, Reverend of Reverse capital flows, Tsar of Trickle-down, Friar of Free market fundamentalism, Thomas More of Tax Cuts, Prelate of Poor-bashing, Bishop of Budget cuts, Richelieu of Rich get richer, and most importantly, the esteemed Reverend of Reaganomics.

Thomas knows that all saints are persecuted in life before being worshiped in death so he bears the slings and arrows with a profound aquinimity. Not to doubt him, but I say why turn the other cheek when you can have an eye for an eye. So lets cut the scaberous writing hand off this viperous scribe that spews such vile filth.