Hell hath no fury like a Harpie scorned

It's the worst kept secret in Ottawa that General Hellier envies me and desperately wants my job as Conservative Party Honcho and PM. Everyone in this great country is entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness but, Big Cheese of Defense Staff or not, treason is not an acceptable path to achieve your dreams.

Here am I, the PM who without fanfare has done more to build the prestige, power, and privilege of the Canadian Forces from the halls of Ottawa to the stores of mainstreet Canada. But instead of supporting me and thanking me for my valiant efforts, Canada's chief soldier has done everything in his power to undermine and usurp me.

But his latest outrage has crossed the line big time! How dare this Queen's Hussar in a tight-assed uniform undercut the credibility and imperil the viability of Sandra, my personal spokesmouth and right-hand man eater. His limp-wristed posturing and asinine antics threaten to scuttle my government's entire Afghan PR policy.

Hellier has always had a hate hard on for Sandra, maybe he just doesn't like women who can boss him around. But now this infantile infantry imbecile thinks he can outwit me, the strategic supreme commander of both the Conservative Party and Canada? What unbridled arrogance and fellatial folly for a man who doesn't know his sodomy from his gomorah.

How could this cereal-box star crossed dress-up general have allowed the military briefing of our sworn enemy, Liberal Leader Quasimodo, on the top secret change in Afghan detainee policy? I know that he purposely laid this backdoor landmine as some kind of perverted insurance policy. He realized that it was bound to blow up in the my face and leave Sandra twisting in the news breaking wind coming from the collective Canadian media sphincter.

The next thing you know, humped-up homey Hellier will invite some pansy media whore for a private briefing about my Government's new and improved Afghan Take no Prisoners Policy. We make sure our Afghan Army "partners" are always on hand to "detain" the raghead terrorists and then they drag them to the same local jails we used to frequent but are now barred from.

This torturific strategy is a water-boarding win-win: the evil scumbags get the vital intelligence we need excruciatingly extracted from them along with their fingernails and we get to keep our hands and noses squeaky clean. A stroke of brilliance but now Hellier is chafing and giving us the shaft because it was my idea and Sandra's, not his. General Hasbeen wants to stick with the old fashioned policy of handing the enemy non-combatants over to the US for a little Guantanamo therapy.

I always suspected that Hellier was playing both sides of the street -- pretending to want only me while snuggling up to Liberal deputy macho-man Iguana-face in case of electoral inversion. But now he has blown his cover and exposed himself for naught. I will not tolerate his type of johnny-come-lately loose lips that not only sink ships but give the enemy a ball licking to keep their career on ticking.

And if he thinks he can go all Tony Soprano on me and mine, fuggedaboudit. I've got enough dirty lingerie on this hairy ass to have him busted down to buck naked private -- enjoy the cold showers and forced hard marches at boot camp, bigus dickus.

God bless the New Whup-ass Government of Canada.

Manley yes, but I like it too

The Report of the Independent Panel on Canada’s Future Role in Afghanistan is a triumph. It is a Triumph of the Will of the New Government of Canada.

But more importantly, it is a Triumph of the Spirit of Canadian Bi-partisanship - a Liberal and Conservatives coming together to defeat a common enemy in time of war. Not the Taliban but another fanatical cult that is a greater threat to the Canadian military -- the pacifist cabal of Liberal leader Quasimodo, Bloc Cheesehead and the Moustache that Roared. When will these fanatics wake up to the fact that sometimes you just have to kill poor people to help them, it's the only humane thing to do.

The Manley Report, or Manly Report as I prefer, has 30 action-packed pages that read like a Hollywood movie treatment. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and then you'll realize it's a remake of Wag the Dog meets the Green Berets starring Stalone as the Manly lead.

And in the best blockbuster tradition, a sequel is built right into the plot-- see recommendation 1a: "Early appointment of a high-level civilian representative of the UN Secretary-General to ensure greater coherence in the civilian and military effort in Afghanistan." Don't fret GI Johnny, we've already forwarded your impressive resume with a glowing cover letter to Ban Ki-moon.

But we are going to really seriously study all the report's really serious recommendations: indefinite military mission, more troops, more military helicopters, more spy drones, more Canadian Forces coordination of CIDA development projects, more effective PR to promote the mission to Canadians, more control of the mission by the PM. Okay, we don't need to study them too hard because we wrote them.

Some terrorist-huggers and pacifistopaths are trying to make a big deal of how GI Johnny plagiarized his Chair's Forward to the report from an article he wrote in Policy Options last October. How absurd, how irrelevant can you get. Even closet wikipedophiles should know that the definition of plagiarism is stealing someone ELSE's work -- it is impossible to plagiarize yourself.

Secondly, these mind-numbing morons obviously have no idea how democratic governments work. The whole point of an "Independent Panel" on policy options is to produce a report with predetermined conclusions. What better way than to have an pre-existing article from the Panel Chair that serves an introduction to the required report.

GI Johhny provided the intro, we provided the recommendations and the Panel had the hard job of jetting around the world on their expense accounts to provide the comic relief in the middle part. Don't be too hard on them, after all they are Mulroney yes-people and they had to produce a report over the Christmas holidays while spending time with their families.

One of my favorite jokes in the report is how Canadian Forces should threaten to abandon Kandahar if our allies don't come up with a thousand more troops under our command to ensure victory in South Vietnamistan. Call it the Made-in-Canada Mini-Surge. George loses more than a thousand US soldiers if he coughs too hard, so I'm sure he and Gates can find plenty of volunteers from Falujah and the Triangle of Death to come and show the aw-shucks canucks how to run a real counter-insurgency, without the white gloves. Then there's always my Plan B for Blackwater.

And what is it with GI Johnny's eyes? It can't just be contacts -- brainwashed POW, robot, sleeper cellmate, alien or zombie-- only his hairdresser knows for sure.

God bless the indefinitely extended mission of the New Government of Canada.

Plan B is for Blackwater

My place has been party central as we celebrated our seismic shift towards inevitable majority government and the utter capitulation by Quasimodo over the Throne Speech. The Moustache that Roared even claims we already have a majority because Quasimodo is so weak-kneed. Well I guess every court needs its goofy jester. Does El Presidente like this fool? No - but he does not shoot the messenger who speaks the truth.

But with the most important election in Canadian Conservative history just around the corner not everything is smiles and kittens in our heartland. Some our core Reform support-our-troopers and patriotic Kandihawks are getting restless even though we've painted Quasimodo into a dunce-hatted dead-end corner on Afghanistan with the throne speech.

I've heard the rumblings of cry-baby concern that I've rolled the dice with the manly panel and they may come up lyin' brian snake-eyes and call for tail-between-the-legged cutting and running home to mommie. Some hardcore armchair generals are even muttering about bringing Hillier as party leader. So I want to kneecap these scurrilous scuttlebutsters before they get out of control.

First and foremost, never doubt the strategy of your blessed leader - have I ever lead my flock astray? No, I took you straight to the milk and honey of 24 Sussex - and the promised majority land is but a confidence vote away.

Second, the panel are all proud US flag waving, military cheerleading, PM-saluting, bully-boys (and girls) so the chances of them calling for ignominious retreat that will piss-off the Americans are nil to none. And just to make sure they're consciences stay on track we'll be giving them fat expense accounts and stage-managed, tear-jerking tours of the fine work our soldiers are doing to make Kandahar safe for the Afghan occupiers.

Third, and most importantly, is that we're not just standing still waiting for the manly panel's macho report, we have already activated Plan B - as in Blackwater.

Our good friends at Blackwater are already conducting special training for some of the Canadian forces heading to Afghanistan but that is only the beginning. We are negotiating for Blackwater to provide a wide range of "advisors," "logistics" and "training" on the ground in Camp Kandahar. God knows some of our candy-assed ex-peacenik soldiers need toughening up so they shoot first and ask questions later of the gang of suicide bombers known as Afghan "civilians."

And it turns out that we can get a pretty good deal per thousand "civilian contractors" since Blackwater's little contre-temps in Iraq means they have plenty of staff and blackhawk helicopters sitting idle.

First we'll rent some 'copters from them to help protect our valiant troops from roadside bombs - and to stop us from being a laughing stock in military circles. Of course these complex machines would require private Blackwater pilots and maintenance staff as well as trainers and advis\ers about how to best use them.

We can easily build our need for advisers and trainers from there until we double our "military presence" in Kandahar without sending another single Vandoo for the frogophones to whine about.

Would it be expensive with all those $1500/day private contractors there? You bet, that's the beauty of the plan. We can gobble up billions of the surplus that the opposition keep demanding we spend on God-forsaken social programs.

There are so many advantages to this plan, you'll be surprised you didn't think of it yourself. When a civilian contractor gets killed there are no honor guards or flag draped coffins to worry about - in fact they are not even part of the official casualties. George loves this because the official US military death toll in Iraq would increase 30% if he had to include his private mercenaries.

We'll have tons of kick-ass, state-of-the-art, shock-and-awe military hardware at our disposal, without having to approve a penny of capital expense. Finally we'll have a real army, just like the big boys. Big Dick has been begging me to let Haliburton in on the deal but they don't have such nice shiny toys to rent us.

So you inbred sissies, even if we have to pull every ill-equipped, under-trained Canadian soldier out of Kandahar, we'll still have more than enough firepower to continue the combat roll there. The whole manly report will be beside the point. QED.

God bless the New Private Army of Canada.

What I did on my summer vacation

Hands down my favorite moment of the summer was traveling up north to announce the new weaponized ice breakers and deep water military port.

I looked really presidential in my navy hat and wind-breaker when I announced billions in new military spending that even the peace-freaks in the opposition won't dare oppose. Thank god for Canada's Arctic - right off the bat that's $8 billion just for the patrol ships that's out of reach for money-grubbing social programs like child care and medicare.

The new ships have nice guns that will be really useful for photo-ops about protecting Canadian sovereignty. No media will dare mention they're not much use against Russian or American ships that have nuclear missiles and torpedoes.

Most importantly all the new ice breakers will have large helipads so I can fly in for a "mission accomplished" announcement as soon as the first one is built. And by then we'll have lots of freshly trained Arctic Rangers to cheer my speech.

What with global warming melting the Arctic ice and getting rid of the dangerous predators such as polar bears, there's going to be a big new northern gold and oil rush really soon. We'll be there to protect North American corporate interests from European and Russian encroachment.

And as soon as I get a majority government we can use the new northern infrastructure for George and Dick's missile defense shield.

So George called last week

He's all hot and bothered and blurts out - I'm not comin' to that dang PPS meet'n'greet, Steve.

I ask him why, and he says - I freak you not - that his brain's gone and he can't come without his brain.

There's kind of a stunned but respectful silence on my side.

Rovey, you know, my big brain, is leaving - don't you follow the news up there Steve?

Oh Karl Rove, I say, but he's not leaving until the end of the month so he can come with you to the meeting next week, Sir.

No, no, says George - Rovey has way too much work to do before he leaves - in the shredded wheat department. Anyway, I still can't believe he's going. I mean Rummy, Wolfie, Bolty, Scooty, Harriet, Cardi, Ari, Kenny - they all left me high and dry, and Gonzy's on the ropes. Who's left - just Condi and big Dick. I can't just do this job all by myself, you know Steve.

So I say but Mr President we really need you in Quebec next week. The Security and Prosperity Partnership is everything we've always worked for and because it's National Security we don't have to put it to a vote or even say what's in it. We can't do it without you, I lied, trying to cheer him up.

And he's like, Quebec - that's where Ahmed Rassambo came from. You still got a passel of terrorists coming out of the woodwork up there don't you - like that Kotter kid in Gitmo. What if some sleeper cell gets me Steve - you'd feel bad then, huh?

I'm try to calm him down because he's getting a bit hysterical. No worries, Mr. President you'll be surrounded by hundreds of Seals and Green Berets who are up here on exchange programs or train and advise missions so they can wear Canadian Forces uniforms. And the protest-freaks will be miles away - you'll never even see them. Just ask the Vice President, we've been through all this.

He sighs. Well I guess I have to come Steve. But I was hoping to clear some really tough brush in Crawford next week. The ranch is going to h-e-double-hockey-sticks because I only can only get max two months holiday there a year since 9-11.

The real reason Gordo had to go

The media called for Gord O'Connor's head on a spike because he gave a few fuzzy answers about Afghan prisoners who were over-enthusiastically interrogated after they left Canadian custody.

Huh? That's what outsourcing is all about. Do they want us to have to torture these ticking bombs ourselves or just let them go off and kill more Canadian kids in another convoy.

Anyway, when Gordo did finally get the one fingered salute from me, the media hacks were spraining their arms from patting themselves on the back so hard because their crack investigative reporting had gotten him fired.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I thought Gordo was doing such a great job on the Afghan file that I was willing to let him share in the glory of the Canadian Arctic militarization bonanza.

Then came the stab in the back - I saw that photo of him in desert camo, standing in front of a military plane no less. We had an agreement that I am the only one allowed to wear fatigues, flak jackets and especially camouflage outfits for photo ops. He may be an ex-general but that's my shtick and I just couldn't let a betrayal like that go unchallenged.

Fortunately, Peter Pan was so keen to prove he could do the tough job on Afghanistan that he signed off on the no camouflage policy without blinking. And Gordo gets the golden parachute into Revenue where he can do all the photo ops he wants with piles of $100 bills.