Mining the harbors for democracy

I have hardly slept a wink for three nights. Sandra, Tom, Mark and I have been too excited and busy laying the anti-liberal minefield that is the New Throne Speech to even think about sleep. We worked proudly and feverishly with a sense of destiny - believing that we were patriots changing history and creating a New Majority in this country.

There are the small anti-personnel mines like cuts to the GST that Cretin promised but never delivered, then there is the bunker-busting, ship-scuttling ordinance such as Kyoto is dead and we're staying in Afghanistan until 2011. If Quasimodo and his cronies votes for our New Throne Speech then not only will he have killed his own pet dog but we will have blown his credibility and his party into tiny unrecognizable pieces.

Our only spiritual guides for the New Throne Speech were the infallible Bible and a case of Tequila Ley Extra Anejo that George sent me. Mark, the adviser formerly known as Dion's, was crucial in constructing the booby traps and double blinds that will confound Quasimodo and his troops and strand them in a Vietnamesque quagmire. As we struggled through the long nights I often thought of other great freedom fighters in history such as Oliver North and the Contras who made terrible sacrifices for the cause of democracy.

I hesitate to compare my meager efforts to such heroism but I began to feel we were part of something bigger -- the global fight against tyranny and oppression. I dared to hope that our New Throne Speech could become a defining moment, a turning point, in the rising tide against despotism in our country - like the mining of the totalitarian Sandinistas' harbors by the brave Nicaraguan freedom fighters put that benighted country on the road to salvation.

For most of the last century Canada has been a virtual one-party state with more than 20 Liberal regimes punctuated by occasional Liberal-lite PC governments. Yes, Canada is nominally democratic but even the Sandinistas held sham elections to mask their dictatorship.

The Liberal tyrants have used their power and privilege to enslave the Canadian public with innumerable social engineering abominations, such as socialized medicine, old age pension dependency, students loan sharking, national welfare addiction, and collectivist childcare.

The Liberal juntas have often colluded and conspired with the totalitarian socialist hordes to oppress Canadians and yoke them to the unfree welfare state. This is similar to the Sandinistas' secret plotting and connivance with communist dictatorships in Cuba and Stalinist Soviet Union to threaten the peace and stability of the Americas.

I am proud to think that our New Throne Speech has thrown down the gauntlet to evil and equality everywhere while providing a roadmap to freedom and democracy here at home.

God Bless the New Majority Government of Canada.

Fetching Rover for the big game

Some of the faithful are getting restless and questioning my bold strategy - woe betide them. These smarty-pants, self-declared pundits worry that I might provoke a fall election by proroguing Parliament and putting a new throne speech to a vote. These wimps think we should hang on to minority government power as long as possible by not giving any excuse for the opposition to force an election.

Hello, you scaredy-cats, who won the byelection and almost stole a second seat from Bloc Cheezehead? Why should we be satisfied with milque-toast, minority half-power when we are clearly on the march to majority house-cleaning big time, you whiny bed-wetters? The opposition wants a piece of me this fall? I say bring 'em on!

And don't think we've been resting on our well-deserved byelection laurels. We've been burning up the phone lines and getting ready to go the mattresses. The only thing missing is a campaign capo to lead the cannon fodder into battle. Tom is a great friend of mine and a trusted adviser but now that the majority brass ring is within our grasp we need to step it up to a different level.

That's why Tom, Ken and I have been working hard to get Rover up to Ottawa in time for the fall election. After all it's been three weeks since Karl's last day in Washington, so I think he has probably spent more than enough time with his family. God knows Karl must already be getting itchy about retirement if he spends his free time singing and dancing.

That's the one good thing about the White House imploding and George taking gardening leave from his agenda, there's a glut of untapped conservative GOP talent that we might be able to lure into the northern league. Peter Pan is already in discussions with Gonzo about some legal work to help us stickhandle the raghead detainees around the Geneva Convention.

Of course the Canadian league is a tough sell when the 2008 game is heating up down south - but a lot of heavy hitters are realizing it may be better to sit out the next Superbowl. Rover is the ultimate key, if we can lure him up the neo-con dream team will follow. Ken even offered Karl a cushy side gig at Hill and Knowlton where he could bat for one of his favorite teams - big pharma.

So keep the faith and dare to dream about majority power and all it entails - missile defense, ending gay marriage, and all the social programs you can kill.

God bless the New Government of Canada.