The issue that would not die

This so-called controversy was settled days ago but the media morons keep bringing it back from the dead like so many Romero zombies.

Why would I write a letter asking for clemency for some dumbfuck hick from Alberta who went on a drug-fueled rampage in Montana and killed two young native Americans "for the thrill" or to find out "what it was like to kill." This monster is a prime candidate for a Darwinian final unselection.

Smith did the stupid violent crime so he deserves the end of his brutal subpar line. Where are the aboriginal leaders protesting against special treatment being given to a white racist who killed two intelligent and hope-filled first nations youth whose only crime was to pick up a white hitch-hiker.

Some bleeding heart killer-huggers have ranted and raved that the US Supreme Court has suspended executions by lethal injection while it determines if they are safe and effective. Well I think there should be a permanent moratorium because lethal injection is a coward's way out.

How can some oaf drifting off to sleep provide closure for a family whose loved one has been brutally murdered and raped? They need and they deserve the dramatic moment of justice -- the jolt of the electricity coursing through the veins, the woosh of the trap door opening and the snap of the neck, the coup de grace of the firing squad. I personally would not want to see Capital Punishment return to Canada without the appropriate drama and dignity of such solemn ritual.

Encountering these defining moments between life and death reminds us that we too are mortal. For the betterment of society and especially our young people these extreme unctions should once again become public events - they are powerful morality plays which not only deter crime but make us more complete human beings. And lets no forget they make great TV -- I believe that a national public network such the CBC would have a patriotic duty to broadcast them, certainly no less than the Olympics.

OK, I will write a letter to the Montana governor - asking that this Canadian citizen should be spared from suffering the indignity of lethal injection -- let his passing be celebrated by the praxis of old sparky or hang him high. I will also thank the governor for expunging this embarrassing Canadian scum from the earth since we are unable to clean up our own garbage at present.

God bless the Once and Future Hanging Government of Canada.

Between a rock and a hard place

I've tried to avoid the subject of undercover police at Montebello. But after seeing the way they have been dragged through the mud by the pathological anti-prosperity protest-freaks and pistol-whipped by the media, I can't keep silent any longer.

These everyday heroes were just doing their dangerous and important job - infiltrating criminal and violent organizations to prevent serious malfeasance - such as willfully damaging property and assaulting police officers with rocks. The gangs and riff-raff that call themselves protesters should be glad these brave men were there to prevent violence and preserve the peace.

The undercover officers also increased the size of their pathetic protests. In addition to the Sûreté du Québec, the RCMP tactical squad was undercover as a training exercise, undercover Vancouver Police officers and Blackwater contractors were there to practice roles for 2010 security, the US Secret Service and Minneapolis police went undercover to dry run for the 2008 GOP convention, Mexico had their undercover Federales there for crowd control training, and Chinese national undercover officers were also at Montebello to explore tactics for dealing with foreign protesters at the 2008 Olympics. All the undercover training was coordinated by Shin Bet which is the world leader in violent crowd control.

The so-called "union leaders" were police assets as well - participating in an insitu roleplay of how to handle the exposure of undercover officers participating in a demonstration. In fact, if you subtract all the undercover security, there were probably only twelve actual demonstrators. I know because in addition to being the summit host I was overseeing all conference security from our new $100 million portable hot room. The assets from all the various agencies were identified on the big situation board along with protester movements.

The Summit was about international security partnerships so the anarcho-freaks had to expect that we would practice what we were preaching. As usual the lazy crypto-socialist media got it all wrong - berating the undercover police for being amateurish and incompetent when in fact everything went perfectly according to plan.

Follow the beans

The media are an ass - aka idiot - they give me hives. I try to quarantine them, I try to re-educate them, I try to limit their influence on my new government of Canada but they always sink to new depths.

For example, at the closing of the Montebello summit I was trying to talk about economic rationalism using an everyday example anyone could relate to: jellybeans. But the sniveling socialist news hacks ridiculed and debased my comment with snarky headlines and dumber-than-dumbing-down articles.

Their derisive treatment of my jellybean treatise obscured the important point I was trying to make. Economics teaches us that jellybeans, lumber, pharmaceuticals, oil, water, nuclear power, and health care services are all the same - products that are most efficiently provided by the private sector and should be freely traded between countries without artificial barriers to competition, such as government red tape and heavy-handed regulation.

The moral is that we should all become rational economic actors who seek the lowest price that is always provided by free, unfettered markets.

Right now Canada is like an elitist Boutique with only a few trendy flavors of jellybeans. The snooty sales staff tell you what kinds of jellybeans are good for you and won't let you try any others. The jellybeans are horrendously overpriced because of the low turnover and the social program overhead of the fancy displays, fat-cat union salaries, subsidized artisan jellybean makers, and excessive bureaucracy.

But right across the street is the giant Bean-Mart which sells virtually indistinguishable jellybeans for a fraction of the cost. They have a huge selection of every imaginable color that you can freely choose from with friendly assistance. They keep their prices low with high volume sales, globalized manufacturing, efficient distribution and cheerful but not overpaid staff.

Where would you want to buy your jellybeans? Of course.

But the corrupt government cronies of Beantique have built an artificial barrier in the middle of the road and will only let you shop at Bean-Mart once a month after filling out a lot of forms. Even worse, their bureaucrats have created convoluted and absurd regulations about the required size, shape and sheen of legal jellybeans on their side of the road so Bean-Mart can't sell its perfectly good product there.

That's what the summit was about. But don't expect to read that in Canada's commie-freak-loving media.

PMSteve Unplugs

I am not Prime Minister Stephen Harper. He is a persona, an artifice created by party handlers, marketing wonks and image consultants. I am tired of kissing babies, flipping pancakes, posing as a celebrity hockey dad, smalltalking barbeques, mouthing warm and fuzzy holiday greetings, pretending to support Medicare (which makes me gag), and going through the motions of caring about people stupid enough to vote for other parties.

I miss the glory days of the Reform Party and the NCC - I could say what I believed, and walk all over the idiot reporters who didn't have a clue about economics (which is all of them by the way). I was able to inform Canadians they were content to be a second-rate socialist country and tell Conservative US Republicans they were a beacon of light to inspire me and the rest of the world. I could call for scrapping the Canada Health Act and fight for US-style private healthcare in Canada.

I am proud to have been Chief Policy Officer of Reform before I was 30 and the most effective president the NCC ever had. We pushed the Cretinites kicking and screaming into deficit reduction and tax breaks and today even the satanic NDP toe the tax-cut line. But now I'm not even allowed to mention Reform or NCC in my bio because it might scare off some crazy socialists.

Now my every word, facial expression, gesture, bodily elimination, is focus-grouped, image-massaged and push-polled by consultants, media gurus and spin doctors. My every public appearance and utterance is dissected, probed, analyzed and pronounced upon by the same drooling media hacks that I used to belittle with one brain cell.

I feel like Sir Humphrey Appleby in the Madness of King George - all the functionaries have an inane theory about my stools but miss the blue stream of obviousness. In the end I have to figure out how to seem to be Prime Minister anyway.

Not that it's all bad being PM - I get to hang with the real world leaders like George and Bill Gates while blowing-off sanctimonious celebrity do-gooders like Bono. I get to wear cool military flak jackets to review the troops - eat your heart out Conrad - and I get to torment the eco-freaks and communist academics who irrationally hate the oil industry and the military.

But I am tired of having to contort and squeeze myself into every message box, sound bite and news hole. Hence PM Steve Unplugged: just me - raw and unexpurgated.

No doubt some cynics will say it's just another sleazy Bulworth-esque marketing ploy to seem edgy and reach the cynical youth demographic using serious attitude and a hip-hopish handle. Meanwhile the marketing-nannies will say I'm committing political suicide by exposing myself unvarnished and uncut. Whatever.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper is history. Long live Headbanger PMSteve. Unplugged.