Canada Grabs Gold at Bali!

In yo face Quasimodo! The Liberal unleader is quaking in his pointy frogophone boots because the results are in and Canada's Conservatives have cleaned-up big time at the Bali Climate Change competition. Canada tied for first in the Climate Action Network's final fossil medal count with the US, despite having only 1/10th the population of our southern kissin' cousins.

And Canada really deserved to take the whole cake because we had four first place Golden Dinosaur awards, more than any of the other 180 countries participating at Bali. Of course those of us who hail from Alberta are not surprised at Canada's proud showing because dinosaurs are in our blood -- both our oil and tourist industries are fueled by fossils.

Canada has held its head high again on the international stage in Bali and I've given those liberal losers a bloody nose. Sure some frogophone carpers and crapules have tried to belittle our stellar performance at Bali but I know Bairdy did a heckova job.

First and foremost he managed to keep the main Bali agreement text from degenerating into a cacophony of meaningless he said 25%, she said 40% targets. By tying Bali to specific numbers today we would be prejudging the negotiations of tomorrow with the statistics of yesterday. Now we have another two years to hammer the final accord into proper shape and incorporate the important advances in climate change science sponsored by the good corporate citizens in the petroleum industry.

Now admittedly some inconvenient targets did get slipped into the Kyoto group side agreement at the last minute but all is not lost. Most importantly, George doesn't care because the US is not part of Kyoto so the side agreement doesn't bind them to anything. But the kicker is that because we've declared Kyoto legally dead in Canada with Quasimodo's acquiescence (and because Bairdy had his fingers crossed behind his back) these tyrannical targets don't apply to Canada either. Game, set and match, Quasimodo!

I called Bairdy to thank him for all his hard work in Bali and was amazed that he'd been able to achieve all this success without even showing up at some of the key sessions. This guy is one lean mean negotiatin' machine and a wild party animal to boot.

Watch out world, Canada's on a roll -- and we're peaking just in time for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Let's all pray for snow and hope that they don't get canceled because of warm weather.

God bless the world beating New Government of Canada.

Promoting peace on the world stage

I've escaped the hellhole of Uganda where I single-handedly battled to stop a ragtag club of ex-colonials and tinpot dictators from screwing my pooch on Climate Change. As I was doing my little bit there to make the world safe for tarsands, I couldn't stop thinking of that shining place where world peace could break out this week -- Annapolis.

I'd much rather be on the real world stage -- with George and Condi -- instead of the motley collection of bemedalled buffoons pumping hot air in Kampala. So I was pondering what the New Government to Canada can do to help promote peace in the Middle East and I've come up with a brilliant plan...

I will give an honorary Canadian citizenship to that prince of peace in the middle east, former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. After all, few have done more to the cause of peace than Sharon, the mentor of current Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

I personally know that Arik is a man of peace even though I never met him because George has told me himself many times. General and then Prime Minister Sharon was a peacemaker for many reasons and many seasons...

Sharon became the patron saint of Israeli settlers when he doubled the number of illegal settlements in the West Bank and Gaza strip in the 1970s. This settler of peace said "Everybody has to move, run and grab as many (West Bank) hilltops as they can to enlarge the (Jewish) settlements because everything we take now will stay ours... Everything we don't grab will go to them."

Arik was a wall-builder of peace as prime minister in 2002 when he started the building of a 650 km long wall, 80% of which lies within the Palestinian West Bank. The wall slices Palestinians from their fields, schools and hospitals and dices their territory to fulfill Sharon's peaceable promise of turning Palestine into a "pastrami sandwich."

Sharon was also a bulldozer toward peace whose army flattened an entire neighborhood of more than 100 Palestinian houses in the Jenin refugee camp into a rubble pile the size of 16 football fields during 2002's "Operation Defensive Shield." What could be more peaceful than empty football fields?

Arik believed so passionate in peace that he was willing to commit massacres to advance its cause. He was personally responsible for the massacre of 69 Palestinian civilians in the West Bank town of Qibya in 1953 and for the 1982 massacre of more than 1000 Palestinian civilians in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps of Lebanon. What selfless man of peace could do more?

Of course some of the hardcore anti-semites and uber-peace-mongers in the opposition ranks will object to giving Sharon an honorary Canadian citizenship based on the fact that some obscure Belgian court once indicted him for war crimes. But that is a non-starter because George twisted a few arms to have Belgian laws changed and the charges were dropped. And what the hell does Belgium know about peace anyway.

But this motion will split all three pseudo-peace-freak opposition parties into warring factions. If they oppose Sharon's citizenship, they will royally piss off their pro-Israel supporters and if they support the government their pacifist-maniac supporters will stay home, either way they lose.

My pal Gerry Schwartz of AIPAC-North says it's a sure fire plan to pry some of those big urban seats from the cold dead hand of Quasimodo and the Moustache that Roared.

One of our big problems in Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver is that the Jewish vote is even more liberal than the rest of the ethnic vote. But this motion will amputate the other parties from their urban supporters and pave the way to a New Majority Government.

The Su Ang Ki gambit was only the first step in a long term majaority strategy of promoting peace on the world stage. After Ariel Sharon my government will also be proposing honorary citizenship for President Pinochet for smiting the socialists and making Chile safe for Miltonian market economics, President Suharto for crushing the commies to unite Indonesia and East Timor in personal prosperity, as well as the Shah for his heroic efforts to keep Iran out of the murderous grip of the evil mullahs.

God bless the true peacemakers in the New Government of Canada.

Call me Mr. President

President George W. Bush, President George H. Bush, President William Jefferson Clinton, President Gerald Ford, and Me - what do we all have in common?

We are all members of an elite club - not just leaders of the free world but honorary leaders of the Presidents Cup - that most prestigious international golf tournament. The burden of history rested on my broad shoulders as I officially opened the competition at the Royal Montreal Golf Club on Wednesday. I thought of all the great Presidents who had gone before me and it brought tears to my eyes.

It is a life-long dream come true to be a member of the elect Presidents club. My name will be forever linked with those other Commanders-in-Chief and etched in history as the first ever Canadian head of state to host the Presidents Cup. Not the Prime Ministers Cup or the First Ministers Cup or even the President's Cup. That's Presidents plural Cup, and now I am one of them.

I came home wearing my Presidents Cup hat and I've been walking on air and feeling extremely presidential ever since. Sandra asked me if I'd cut my hair, Laureen thought I'd lost some weight and Ben wondered if I was taller. It was just the Presidential posture, the Chief Executive aura.

In fact, that is what this country really needs - a President. Being the first minister among many degrades the head of state. You sound like just another civil servant not the supreme executive authority who deals with life and death issues every day. Liberal Quasimodo may be happy as a first minister herding his sheep by consensus but I want to lead, I was born to lead. And that's what el Presidente Steve will do.

A big, big day

First I had to take George aside and explain to him what country we were in and what conference we were at, then I had to personally broker the APEC climate change deal and for an encore I threw down the gauntlet on Iraq oops I mean Afghanistan. But all that didn't stop me from a driveby Liberal Quasimodo bodyslam when I nailed his lip service to global warming.

I wish George would just bite the bullet and make Dick president. As much as I admire the guy, it gets embarrassing to have to keep asking the leader of the free world questions knowing that he always responds "What do you think, Dick?" And then the veep answers "Well, I think what the President is trying to say is... blah, blah, blah."

Dick and I get along well, we could really get things done between us. We're both policy nerds, had real jobs in the oil patch and know the importance of military and energy policies that put industry in the driver's seat. I'll have to invite him lame duck hunting some time soon.

The greenhouse gas deal was a bit of a sweat - you've got the six largest emitters sitting around the table with some island nation leaders that could end up swimming to work while conference sponsors Chevron and GM are looking over your shoulder.

People were throwing around numbers, percentages, dates and targets like there was no tomorrow. So, I say, dudes we all aspire to save the planet for future generations of corporate profits so let's call the climate goals aspirational. And if we make all the targets voluntary, countries may actually reduce emissions more because they are not locked in to a specific number.

After my intervention everyone realized we could take concrete steps to do nothing and get some applause from the peanut gallery while keeping industry on board. They were like, hey sign me up. So Canada is once again a force to be reckoned with on the world stage - we can get people to agree to do nothing about an important issue like no one else.

But my favorite moment was kicking sand in the face of the anti-war wimps back home by refusing to hold a vote on Afghanistan I might lose. Pardon my French, but what's the fucking point of a democratically elected parliament if it won't vote the way I want it to. So lets just ignore the parliamentary buffoons and finish the job.

And then there's the hat, I love my new roo skin hat... don't want to take it off. Helps me get over that Viet Cong thingy.

All in all yesterday was a big, big step... toward majority government.

After dinner entertainment at Montebello

Felipe, George and I finished off our "working dinner" with $250 cigars (Cuban of course, George never misses a chance to "legally" sample the good ones) and $500 glasses of congac that Nicolas kindly had sent over. But the night was young and we wanted a little fun after the wives left us to get down to business. Fortunately, the Secret Service and RCMP had set up video monitors in the hotel so we could watch the protests if we want.

We want. What could be better entertainment that watching heavily armed riot police beating-up, pepper-spraying and arresting pro-terrorist-freaks, eco-freaks and anti-prosperity-freaks who are behaving like congenital idiots. We laughed our asses off seeing them penned in like cattle while believing they were changing the world.

And there was the bonus feature of Protest Girls Gone Wild. George had a thing for the super-butch protest-chicks with lots of tattoos and black leather jackets. Maybe they remind him of his wild and crazy time in the Air Guard when tequila was the only higher power in his life and he spend most nights passed out in tough Mexican border towns.

After a few brandys, I was hot for the hippy-dippy types with tie-died outfits and no bras. They're like the girls who completely dissed me in high school because I was a straight-laced nerd who wouldn't smoke weed. Oh, how they'd come crawling now that I'm the most powerful man in the country standing next to the most powerful man in the world.

Felipe was totally ogling the female cops. I guess he doesn't know they are all card-carrying lesbians - or maybe that's the attraction.

But seriously, do these anarcho-freaks really think they are going to affect government policy by prancing around the streets in clown outfits and gas masks? There's no big conspiracy, it's easy to get the ear of my government or any other one - just hire a lobbyist. It's not rocket science and it's not just for big evil capitalists.

Abramoff, one of the most powerful lobbyists in Washington was working for Indian bands for cripes sake. If a bunch of backward savages on reservations can figure out they need a top lobbyist surely the peace-freaks and eco-freaks can get it together. On second thought, after seeing how sad their protests were, they probably can't.

So George called last week

He's all hot and bothered and blurts out - I'm not comin' to that dang PPS meet'n'greet, Steve.

I ask him why, and he says - I freak you not - that his brain's gone and he can't come without his brain.

There's kind of a stunned but respectful silence on my side.

Rovey, you know, my big brain, is leaving - don't you follow the news up there Steve?

Oh Karl Rove, I say, but he's not leaving until the end of the month so he can come with you to the meeting next week, Sir.

No, no, says George - Rovey has way too much work to do before he leaves - in the shredded wheat department. Anyway, I still can't believe he's going. I mean Rummy, Wolfie, Bolty, Scooty, Harriet, Cardi, Ari, Kenny - they all left me high and dry, and Gonzy's on the ropes. Who's left - just Condi and big Dick. I can't just do this job all by myself, you know Steve.

So I say but Mr President we really need you in Quebec next week. The Security and Prosperity Partnership is everything we've always worked for and because it's National Security we don't have to put it to a vote or even say what's in it. We can't do it without you, I lied, trying to cheer him up.

And he's like, Quebec - that's where Ahmed Rassambo came from. You still got a passel of terrorists coming out of the woodwork up there don't you - like that Kotter kid in Gitmo. What if some sleeper cell gets me Steve - you'd feel bad then, huh?

I'm try to calm him down because he's getting a bit hysterical. No worries, Mr. President you'll be surrounded by hundreds of Seals and Green Berets who are up here on exchange programs or train and advise missions so they can wear Canadian Forces uniforms. And the protest-freaks will be miles away - you'll never even see them. Just ask the Vice President, we've been through all this.

He sighs. Well I guess I have to come Steve. But I was hoping to clear some really tough brush in Crawford next week. The ranch is going to h-e-double-hockey-sticks because I only can only get max two months holiday there a year since 9-11.